I have been lurking on this site since I joined a few months ago, mostly in this section of the forum, hoping for some magical insight or kernel of truth to help me figure myself out. Truthfully, I am feeling as lost and confused as I was when I first started questioning my gender identity. I am AMAB, but I have never been that attached to being masculine. It's familiar and it's what has been expected of me, so I just kind of rolled with it. I'm 31 and for the longest time, I did not want to question anything about myself because it seemed too scary and life-changing. I finally came out to myself as bisexual a couple of years ago and that led to more questions about myself, including my gender identity. I really get hit hard when I see other people in their transitions, especially people my age. I get anxious, thinking I'm missing something big about myself and I am running out of time to address it. I have been all over the map in my head, trying to figure out where I am: cis, transfem, nonbinary, bigender, genderfluid, and so on. I don't know how to trust any of my thoughts or feelings. I don't know if I am just trying to chalk up my depression, anxiety, and body image issues up to something else. I'm already getting help for the depression and anxiety, but the therapists I have seen don't really specialize in LGBT issues. I should probably see a gender therapist. Unfortunately, it's probably going to have to wait because I am between jobs and the insurance I am on now doesn't let me go see any of the therapists in my area who specialize in that. Sorry for the rambling post. I know I am really the only person who can answer my question. I guess I am just putting this out there in case someone has had a similar experience.
-> I am AMAB, but I have never been that attached to being masculine. I am also AMAB, but never had any reason to question my gender. I "prefer" sex with guys, but am capable of performing with a female, as is sometimes expected. I have also had a fantasy of dating a guy who identifies as a woman, but has not yet transitioned. In that scenario, outwardly I'd be dating a woman, and between the sheets, I'd know better what to do with 'him'. I guess I think that might be more socially acceptable, not that it matters what others think. Just one of my more kinky fantasies. -> I finally came out to myself as bisexual a couple of years ago I'm not convinced that labels do us any favors. I prefer to identify as 'human and capable'. I don't identify as bi because I don't find myself sexually attracted to women. It is what it is. I know what raises the flag. -> I don't know how to trust any of my thoughts or feelings. I don't know if I am just trying to chalk up my -> depression, anxiety, and body image issues up to something else. It sounds like you just need a friend, not a partner in bed, just a friend. It can be hard to open up to others about inner desires. Most people don't want to hear it. I'm pretty open minded, and will admit I may not have the same feelings. I will not tell you that your feelings are wrong, mostly because they are *your* feelings, not mine. They have to be fine for you, you just need to share them with somebody who won't be critical about them.
The way you expressed that: "I have never been attached to being masculine", really rings true for me. I wasn't into sports, I was into fantasy play. Especially the sort that featured barely clothed men with muscular, ripped bodies (think WWF wrestling or HeMan). I liked riding my bike, and just hanging out with usually one male friend at a time, engaged in some sort of role play. I liked swimming with my male friends, I remember a huge crush I had on one boy when I was 10, didn't realize it was a crush at the time, but it was. That friendship ended when his older brother and friend, both three years older, beat me up in front of his house one day. I loved going places with again, usually one male friend, that was always my preference, once we had driver's licenses and access to cars. I liked to try to look like a tough guy, a real lady's man, which I could sort of pull off because I was pretty good at getting girl's attentions. One friend in particular, had access to his parents brand new Mustang, we used to go cruising for chicks when we were 16, I never cared that we never really got any. I used to lie about having had been with girls before, he was so in awe, usually we just drove around, me trying to look cool which, as I reflect back, meant to me look pretty, I was obsessed with my perfect hair, that kind of thing. I guess I was happy being his date. I fucked that friendship up, and to this day really regret that. Stupid me, he was a really good guy. So if other guys talked about fixing up cars or such, I pretended to look interested, but had no clue at all what they were talking about, I just wanted to go out and do stuff with one male friend. As soon as the group setting came about, I stopped fitting in. I would usually just admire how hot the girls looked, their pretty makeup and flattering clothes, I would crush on them all because a) I was a horny teenager and b) I think I was always really envious of how girls got to look and the attention they commanded from the boys. All the while I had my own secret past of already quite a few sexual experiences with other boys my age, by the time I started high school. I can think of at least 8 different boys I hung out with over periods of time, just one on one, and of those 8, three that I had overt sexual play of some kind with. Never once did I really want to do anything stereotypically male. I got picked on as a "fag" early on high school for the pretty way I dressed, then I guess after switching schools figured it better to try to look tough (my dad even said as much). I totally know what you're getting at. The more I really think back, the more I see that I do actually have memories of things back then, they aren't forgotten, maybe they've been repressed?
Ugh, I'm so sorry about your insurance situation. In your whole exposition about not being all that attached to masculinity, and you did it only because it was expected, is a very big and very common trans mood. I learned to hate masculine performance by 16. By 29 (my current age) I realized I was hella trans the entire time, but basically nobody saw it. I didn't see it, my parents and friends didn't see it. I don't know how things are in your area, but you can medically transition without a therapist. What you'll want to search to find out is "informed consent clinics." With warmth, Adrienne
I'm so sorry to hear about that soured friendship. I was never beaten up, but I do know what it is like to have people who I thought were friends turn on me and try to make life miserable. One of them was a crush, though I didn't realize it at the time, either. It's one of the worst feelings in the world. I know what you mean about not really being interested in doing anything stereotypically male. I was never athletic and I would just nod and barely pretend to be interested when the conversation turned to sports and stuff like that. When I was in high school, I didn't really try to look tough as much as I tried to dress in really subdued clothes and kept to myself because it felt like any attention was bad attention. I know what you mean about forgotten to repressed memories. I have been looking back on my life more in the past few weeks than I have in the past few years and recalling lots of things that I just haven't thought about for a decade or two. Recognizing bouts of depression and dissociation for the first time has raised more questions than it answered. Those memories are just making a gender therapist seem like more and more of a necessity. Thank you for the support. I looked into it and there don't appear to be any informed consent clinics in Indiana. The closest ones are a 3-hour drive for me. I am not even sure I should transition at this point, too many unanswered questions for me to commit to something permanent. It's good information to have, though. Hearing both your perspectives gave me a lot to think about.
