Hello everyone, I wanted to introduce myself. I’ve been devouring posts in this forum over the last few days, and I appreciate all of you who have shared your experiences. Without going overboard with story details, I’ve known since I was a small child that I was different. I always was more drawn to girl toys than boy toys, always had an easier time making friends with girls and with adults than other boys. I grew up in a small town, southern U.S., evangelical household. My dad is a Sunday school teacher in such a church to this day. I would spend hours every week, crying and begging god to make me straight so that I wouldn’t go to hell. It was a miserable upbringing filled with much self hatred, though my parents were never abusive and loved me very much. Starting in elementary school, I was relentlessly bullied for being somewhat effeminate and overweight. I quickly learned that I had to hide who I was to get ahead in my school and small town. So I did my best to fit in with the “normal” guys, lost weight, tried to talk deeper, tried to copy their mannerisms, and I fully buried my SSA. It worked. I started fitting in with some of the “cool” kids and my parents were proud of me. I viewed college as a chance to fully shed my past. I set out to prove everyone wrong who had ever called me gay or fat. I got into shape, and started dating a very attractive, blonde, former cheerleader, girl—the “American Dream” type relationship. We had a fairly active sex life, though I was always picturing a male. Since I was having sex with a woman, though, I didn’t see it as weird for whatever reason. Four years later, we married when I was in grad school. We have been married for 12.5 years now. As the years have gone on, I started experiencing debilitating depression and anxiety. It got so bad in 2016–2017 that I wrote a suicide note and was preparing to take my own life. Luckily for me, my wife, seeing how depressed I was, but not knowing why, made a doctors appointment for me, and I started to see a therapist and a psychiatrist. Working with them, I’ve finally been able to admit to myself that I’m gay. The depression and anxiety are the results of years of hiding and pretending. I’ve pretended so long and tried to be someone I’m not for so many years that I don’t even know who I really am. I’m the guy who has always done what was expected by everyone else: went to church that voiced beliefs I don’t share, made good grades, married the cute blonde, went to grad school, landed a great job, has the perfect family and house with a white picket fence (literally we have a white picket fence!). The problem: it’s all a lie. I’m gay. And I want to live openly as a gay man. I want to exist without having to feel guarded ALL THE TIME. Since I’ve admitted it to myself, I feel like a pressure relief valve has opened. I’m so ready to take the next step and tell her, but I’m waiting until after the holidays. I’ve come out to two friends of mine who are gay. Both were surprised but very supportive. Between them and my therapist, I’m building my support network. I’m telling my brother next, who I suspect will also be supportive. I feel guilty that I’ve wasted her time, but I know our child wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t gone down this path with her. I do love her, but it’s as a best friend and not romantically. I’m hoping that we can remain friends and coparent going forward. Our child is the most important thing to either of us. I especially feel guilty when she mentions doing things in the future that I know probably won’t happen after everything changes in January. Anyway, I will update this forum as I progress through this process. Sorry for the long post! Justin
-> I don’t even know who I really am. I would suggest you explore this before you blow up the house. Compromise might be part of your path out. -> I’m the guy who has always done what was expected by everyone else: Me too - see where that got you? -> The problem: it’s all a lie. All of it is not a lie, only the sex part. Don't write off all your accomplishments over this. -> And I want to live openly as a gay man. Nobody knows how this will play out, is there a possibility that your wife will be accepting? Is divorce the only way out as you see it? -> I feel guilty that I’ve wasted her time I'm not sure I agree with this either. You are self deprecating over nothing. You have a family and certainly some accomplishments over the past 12 years that you should not be ignoring. Grow with the change, don't throw out your life over it. -> I do love her, but it’s as a best friend and not romantically So maybe this is where your mutual relationship needs to go? -> I especially feel guilty ... Go back and re-read your original post - I hear "I'm guilty" all through it. I see your life as at a crossroads. Your wife will need to decide whether to follow you on your journey, or dump you. It sounds like you are committing to changing your direction. I guess the only question is who will be by your side when you do.
Justin..... Hello and a very big welcome to empty closets! So much of what you have shared is my life. I traveled essentially the same path as you have except that I didn't write a suicide note the night I was ready to take my own life. Looking back, I know that my family would have been at a loss to understand had I gone through with it. I am here now because the wonderful people here on empty closets helped me that night. The depression and self-hate had been getting worse and worse...I felt completely trapped...I couldn't go on and I couldn't come out. I am so glad that you have found help...I too found a therapist who has helped me turn my world around. My solution is different than yours, but that's not a problem...we all are different in our sameness! I do hope that you and your wife can work out something that will free both of you and allow you to co-parent your child. Please remember that you are a part of our wonderful LGBTQ Family and we do care...we care a lot. Keep us updated on how this unfolds...we want to be a support for you. .....David
Hi Justin I'm no expert on any of this, I have just left my wife after 20 years, my advice would be to follow what you feel in your heart, that's what I did..... Sending you a big hug, there are many amazing people here, who will support and advise you the best they can, xxx
@Razorbacks welcome, I'm glad you're here. I can't tell you how much I can relate to the religious upbringing and the "begging god to make me straight." When you're raised that way and it's all you know, its very hard to shake. It took me several years to discard my religious worldview and several more years to work through my own internalized homophobia. It was torturous and I wouldn't wish those feelings on anyone. I also tried to commit suicide this summer. I'm really glad you're okay, and seeing a therapist. I agree with @Lone Wolfe that you have a lot of guilt to work through. Look to the future, don't write off the past or let the regret take over. We're always here to talk!
Welcome to EC @Razorbacks ! I totally get how you feel it's all a lie. You get so good at knowing what is expected of you to seem their 'normal', you lose a lot of yourself in the process. It's not just the living with the person the expect you to be with or the sex, it's you - how you act naturally, what you say, even what you think and feel - all of it changes just to be someone you are not. I agree with some of what others have said about your guilt. You need to deal with that and become more comfortable with the real you before opening up to your wife. Why? Because until you get past the guilt and gain the self-confidence you need to accept you, it would and will be so easy to give in when your spouse tries to reign you back in to the norm. Either way it is going to be a difficult road and know we are here whenever you need to vent.
Justin you are embarking on journey that without doubt will have significant ups and downs. You will need to negotiate some rapids ahead before you arrive at the real you. You, your wife and child(ren) will be better off in the end if you are a happily adjusted person. If this means leaving the marriage so be it. You both deserve to be with the person that can satisfy your emotional and sexual needs. This doesn’t mean you cease being a parent, in the end you just might end up an even better parent. I can tell you from actual experience living life honestly and openly as a gay man is worth the journey ahead. Good luck but above all else keep moving towards to the real you!
Justin, I've got an idea - the following is total imagination, but relates to your situation. Lights fade on - Justin - Honey, I need to talk to you about something important. Wife - (sits down at kitchen table, pushes a cup of coffee towards Justin) Go ahead darling, what's on your mind? Justin - I've come to the realization that I'm sexually attracted to men, and I don't know how it will affect our marriage. Wife - Oh geeze Justin, is that all? I thought it was something important. Look, I knew that about you when we first got married. I could see where your eyes went. I guess I always knew this would eventually come up, so I'm glad you finally came to grips with it. It doesn't bother me at all. I need you to be a father to your children, and I want you to be my emotional support when I need it. Other than that, if you need to sleep around some I guess that's ok with me. Justin - (picks up chin from floor) Lights fade out -
Justin, you seems like a very kind person. There is noting wrong with you, the world is wrong.The society is at fault.They hate people who are different. We should be allowed to be happy and be with someone who we truly love. After the divorce you can still remain bestfriend with your ex-wife.
Justin, I’m 59 but there are a lot of similarities. I feel that all the other posts in this tread are dead on. Don’t feel that you need to have the rest of your life all mapped out. I’ve told my wife over 5 years ago and we are still together with no plans to divorce. Just take things slowly. And by the way, if you’d like to talk SEC football, I’m really into that too!
