Internalized Homophobia and How to Cope?

I love Dobby who is your favorite character

 

Ya that's fine

 

You have absolutely nothing to apologize for.

So I didn’t read the thread because it seems like an off-topic conversation and I’m sorry if I’m just repeating stuff that other people have said, but I wanted to share my five cents anyway because internalized homophobia can be a really big barrier to overcome and since almost all of us face it, there’s no need to go through it all alone!

Firstly, I think what is essential in coping with internalized homophobia is to not hate yourself for it. This is not something that makes you homophobic, nor is it something abnormal to experience, nor is it a massive character flaw. I mean, definitely not the latter! If so, literally all of us would be super awful people, but really, unless you externalize the homophobia and take it out on others, internalized homophobia does not make you a bad person. It just makes you someone going through a process.

Internalized homophobia very much derives from the fact that homosexuality is still seen as something other than the norm. Even when our families and friends are accepting, our exposure to LGBT issues is relatively limited, and without reminders that there is absolutely nothing weird or gross or whatever about homosexuality, the only thing we can fall back on is the negative images we dosee. That is not even that being gay is disgusting per se, but depictions of gay people as being unhappy, of LGBT people are struggling, and even people inside the community saying they wish they had been born straight or that it’s so hard to be gay because there are fewer gay people who will like you or whatever --- those are the things we do hear. How often has the world told you “if you like women, that is 100% okay” without you specifically asking for it? Being LGBT means that even when people are totally cool with it, it’s something you’ll always have to state for them to know. They have assumptions and we have to constantly defy those, we have to respond to “do you have a boyfriend yet?” with “no, and I never will because I’m gay”. I mean, even when we know everyone is going to be accepting, coming out is STILL extremely stressful. It’s not a fun thing to do we look forward to like other milestones, like graduating or birthdays or whatever things you’re looking forward to reaching. Society is not (yet?) designed for us, so being comfortable with yourself is a lot of extra work that straight, cis people never have to put in. And that’s exhausting, it’s unfair, and life would be so much easier if we didn’t have to do that all the time!

Even if there is just a tiny bit of discomfort with your identity, society’s homophobia will get to you. Even if that discomfort is not with your identity itself, but with the work you have to put into it. The ‘life would be easier if’ or ‘why don’t straight people have to go through it?’ is already enough for external homophobia to latch onto. It just needs that 0.000001% of you that is annoyed for its message to be internalized. Being angry with yourself for that is just going to make it stronger, because it will have more to hold onto. For me at least, internalized homophobia is strongest when I’m not happy with myself. If I’m feeling lonely or insecure about the way or look or if I go back to questioning my sexuality because I’ve never actually dated anyone… internalized homophobia pops up and bites away at me.

We all go through some sort of internalized homophobia. For some people it’s what causes repression, for other people it’s very subtle, yet other people externalize those thoughts and become homophobic towards others, etc. While internalized homophobia and external homophobia have similar thought patterns, they are not necessarily connected. For example, internalized homophobia can very well manifest not because you have an issue with homosexuality, but because you’re afraid of being different, afraid of stepping away from the standard path, afraid of having to go through things no one SHOULD have to go through like facing your parents and fearing their response (EVEN if we rationally know they’ll be accepting!). We can love everyone within the LGBT community dearly and still struggle with ourselves. At the same time, you can also be completely okay with who you are but still be homophobic externally, which often takes the shape in people attacking specific subgroups within the LGBT community, ie gay men discrediting the lesbian experience or white LGBT people telling queer people of colour their experience isn’t real. Yes, both external homophobia and internalized homophobia are connected, but they are not the same. Just like self-hatred and hatred of others similar to you isn’t the same. Like if you hate that you’re a perfectionist but don’t mind when others are at all? You can hate yourself for something that you actually love in others… that self-hatred is still an issue to work on for sure (for your own well-being), but to say it makes you a bad person? When you treat others respectfully and don’t hate them for it? I wouldn’t say so.

Hating yourself for experiencing internalized homophobia will only make matters worse. It’s OK to go through this. If anything, it’s a sign that you’re advancing in your process of self-acceptance – it’s like the homophobia feels threatened by your self-acceptance and lashes out in a desperate attempt to keep you away from loving who you are.

You’re not a bad person. Don’t apologize for going through what’s unfortunately a very normal part of the process of self-discovery. You will get through this, with time and patience and if you allow yourself to experience these feelings (without confirming them, but acknowledging that they exist, reminding yourself that these thoughts don’t reflect who you are, and letting them pass by again). And you’re not alone! Pretty much all of us have been there, are there, or will go through it eventually. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that these thoughts do not represent you. You’re not your internalized homophobia. You’re you. On your way to unlearn some of the stuff that society has taught you all your life. And for now, those things are lashing back – but eventually they’ll lose their power. Don’t apologize to anyone for this. Apologize to yourself for being so hard on yourself instead, because this is not your fault.

 

What kind of thoghts are they? That it's disgusting that two women can have sex? When the shock decreases when you get used to these thoughts, your negative feelings should also decrease.

 

Hey there,

First off, I’m so sorry you feel that way.

I hated myself for many years. I never thought people could accept and love someone like me and who I was. I hid behind a straight relationship and trying to be the way I thought my family wanted.

This was exhausting, of course. But I still couldn’t wrap my head around how anyone could accept me when I so hated myself. I hated who I was and that I couldn’t change it. But then I found a group at the LGBT center locally and everyone was accepting of who I was, and what I was. This helped me a lot in the process of liking myself. Not still there yet, but self hatred stems from being around people who tell you that you are wrong as a human.

My advice is to try to reach out to a center or a group like this, if possible. Wouldn’t hurt to speak to a counselor either

 

i used to feel like a "pervert" when i was checking out girls while all my friends were talking about boys..
i was saying to myself why i'm not a normal girl with a boyfriend?
but after some time i started thinking that i'm different and i'm not the typical girl that people expected me to be..
i found amazing gay women on social media and that helped me feel better about myself
and now i think i'm okay and proud even

 

Me too. But tbh not only this made me feel like a pervert. I matured early and while my female friends had "crushes", I thought about butts all the time... not a too graceful thing to think about. The girls lynched me even when I talked about boys and noticed their bodies.

 

It makes me sad that you've had to struggle with this for so long. All of us are victims of societies views, phobias and taboos. When did it become okay for other people to decide who we are, who we can love or not love? There has always been pressure from the world around us to fit into their view of normal and in the beginning, I fell for it too. I remember, when I first came out to myself, seeing the words "love is love" and how it made me realize that it didn't matter who we fell in love with. Love is one of most powerful and magikal emotions humans can feel. Why limit it to just one sex?

 

Twelfth Night! Great play. Gender bending. Girls kissing. (Depending on how it is cast.) I saw a superb performance out in the woods in Malibu (prob burned down now, sad). Malvolio was so funny, and now I understand the joke behind "Some are born to greatness, some achieve it, and some have it thrust upon them."

 

internal homophobia takes a long long time to get over. im sorry, and i hope its improved for you. gently undoing those thoughts takes time and effort. can you talk to a professional?

 

We are taught by society that's things are black and white, you are either pro gay or you are homophobic,that one's either good or evil, one politician good, one bad.....but it's all a kir,most things have many shades of Gray for instance some may not care about anyone elses relationship but their own, its not uncommon to feel less than or to tell ourselves it's not okay for ourselves to be happy,bec because society also tells us we're not enough, if we're not fanous if we don't have the big house or bug family or....try ti think why subconsciously you are telling yourself it's not okay for you to be happy

 

All a lie, not sure how kir got there

 

Wise words... even including "kir". I was puzzling about that too, but it's just an off-by-one error(s) on the (inconvenient) conventional keyboard.

I wonder if that word would work in Scrabble.