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I’m new- married for 10 years and finally questioning my sexuality.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Dkrs1287, Aug 7, 2018.

  1. weary

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    People can be in denial and fully believe they are in love with the opposite gender. There are also those who feel romantically for one gender and sexually for another. Just because this is your view of how things are or should be does not mean it is correct for all.
     
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  2. Lgbtqpride

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    If you can fall in love with both male and female, you are bisexual. I do not find anyone that had fall in love with the same gender consider themselves straight man.
     
  3. Landgirl

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    This sounds exactly like me! I had a series of friends who were more important to me than my husband emotionally, and I was devastated when each in turn moved away/reinvigorated their own marriage/became unavailable for whatever reason any more. I never initiated sex, but whenever it rarely happened, I was able to experience pleasure in a purely physical way, because after being together for over 30 years, he knew what I liked. We went together to a marriage therapist, but nothing we tried improved matters. I was led to believe I had a very low sex drive.

    I resisted leaving because I was scared, we have one son who is on the autism spectrum, and I couldn't bring myself to hurt a good man. But then a work colleague died at the age of 55, and it made me think "What if I don't have 25 years left, what if I only have 5? What would I most regret on my deathbed?" The obvious answer was to experiment with another woman, so that I could find out for definite, rather than end my marriage to experiment and then discover I was wrong. But I felt being unfaithful was something I just couldn't do.

    In the end, after much discussion with my therapist, and also with my husband, we separated. 15 months later, I met my new partner, and she and I have been together now for 21 months. We are as different as chalk and cheese, in terms of our background, education, temperament, job and hobbies, and I sometimes find myself wondering if there is enough there to keep us connected for ever, but there was instant sexual chemistry between us, and I have never wanted to make love to anyone so intensely. We have a fantastic sex life, and it was a revelation to me to discover that I do indeed have a very high sex drive, it just wasn't apparent whilst I was with the wrong person.

    So yes, it is perfectly possible to repress these feelings for so long (I was married at 23, only separated at 55!), and my advice would be to seek out a sympathetic therapist, be completely open about everything you have said here, and take it from there.
     
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  4. Landgirl

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    Likewise!
     
  5. Peterpangirl

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    It is about more than what you want to do in the bedroom though. It is also about who you want to be closest to you, and could see by your side in old age.
     
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  6. LaneyM

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    @Landgirl thanks for sharing your story! How is your relationship with your ex-husband now?
     
  7. Brandy Bee

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    So much of many of your stories sound exactly like me.
    I always feel like I'm playing a role: regular neighborhood dad; sporty dad with the other parents of my kids' sports teammates; at work guy, husband on the block trying to do stuff the other husbands do, etc etc.
    The other husbands generally don't bother with me for very long. I just don't fit in, unless I'm doing a very specific task that simply requires me to work away without much typical conversation. I'd rather decorate for a holiday, choose paint color or artwork, clean over try to build. Those are my strengths, for a variety of reasons.
    I think my wife, who has been very supportive up so far it seems, is starting to feel like the reality of my gender and sexuality is eroding too much of what she envisioned for her married life.
    It's been her template, honestly, and it's been pretty good, although a lot of things don't get done that should, perhaps because we don't seem to mesh like many married couples. We're too tired, or on different schedules, or she's giving me space by taking the kids out of the house for activities or to let me be alone (I very much need alone time, not just to express my femininity, but also just to not be around people living lives that I don't seem to be a part of).
    The context of my engagement to her in fact came about because I literally was feeling pressured to move the relationship forward. Friends on my side, as well as my at the time, live in girlfriend, would tease me often about putting a ring on her finger. After all, we'd been together a total of 10 years, lived together for 5 or 6, she had her career underway, mine was just getting started after leaving the world of wage labouring: it's time to decide, she wants a ring on her hand just like ours!
    So I did. I quietly resented the huge cost of the thing, but felt I had to keep up with what her friends had from their men. We had a good wedding, I mean the venue was cool, she did a great job getting us a fantastic time for the money we spent, everything went perfectly!
    Now, I had two best men at my wedding. I felt like I couldn't choose one, the other meant so much to me too. The thing is, the one who was from outside my usual world was a friend who came out to me and confessed his love for me when he was 18, I was 14. At that time, I had repressed my gay sexual desire, and I simply wasn't ready for that, although we were very close. I used to go to his house for lunch at school many days, where we would hang out, cuddle in his bed (clothed, I did it because I did like him, but doing this, while not unwelcome, made me nervous), and after a while he would masturbate in his room with me there, again clothed, sometimes sitting right beside him. He didn't turn me on sexually then, but I didn't mind him doing that at all, either. I did watch closely, after all!
    We did eventually become intimate, on a few occasions over the years, while I was with my future wife. We have had great sex even in the last year.
    The other best man was a real buddy to me. We met late in high school and instantly hit it off. We became very close, he has some very gay mannerisms at times, I loved him and still love him. We were never sexually intimate until after I was married, he identifies as straight and always had girlfriends, but would complain to me that he didn't really care for sex with them because he almost never had an orgasm, or he got bored, or such.
    One night when we were both about 35 or so, with his other friends still partying upstairs, we went to bed at about 1am. I was simply going to sleep in his bed to crash for the night, we were both pretty tired and there was nowhere else in the house for me to crash. We got into bed, U remember he made a comment, a welcome one I think, about my teal boyshorts. He knew I wore feminine underwear, he didn't care.
    Well, we ended up having sex. It was mutually initiated, he made a comment about being horny and our legs were already touching, so I reached over and started massaging his penis through his flannel pajamas. It just went from there, but while I had same sex experience, he said he didn't, and simply rejected my attempt to kiss him.
    We started having sex sporadically, and often went on weekends away, just he and I, away from his usual circle of tight knit, cottage going type friends. I loved going away just he and I, but I guess I didn't handle it well because he was so insistent about half the time, that our having sex was a mistake, or that he wasn't gay or bi, but he was always very comely to me. He would say: "what do you want to do now?", I came to know that was his passive way of getting me to try to initiate fooling around.
    I wanted to be with him. He became very close with a new neighbor one year, and this guy was so good at the buddy buddy guy stuff: fixing and riding snowmobiles, home reno, drinking and acting like fools as fellas do, and while B was friendly to me, he was totally straight and I was insanely jealous.
    But A was always taking pictures of B. Like , he would document everything they did because he was into doing media sorts of projects, was in a band, etc, but there were literally hundreds of pictures of him and B hanging out on weekends I wished I was spending with A instead. I could seldom get away, wife and baby at home, and neither of them were married or had kids.
    This was also when I was starting to really experiment with feminine clothing styles in public, I was regularly wearing a bit of makeup, would express myself by dancing at A's house when I could.
    Then A stopped talking to me or returning my texts.
    Months later, we reconnected, then it happened again. We had sex, he initiated it but then became mad at me, blaming me for our having sex, etc. For the record, the sex was always really good. He had no trouble at all bottoming for me, he asked for it, he enjoyed it, he had no trouble reaching orgasm with me.
    I guess it was the third time he distanced himself from me that was the last, now about two or three years ago. I desperately want to reconnect, but I'm now scared of bringing up that pain again.
    Sorry I digressed so much. .
    But I recall feeling on my perfect wedding day, not excitement, but apprehension. I didn't regret it exactly, but neither did it really seem to fit.
    But you gotta do life, right?
     
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  8. UMedusa

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    What a journey! (I like the new avatar, btw) :slight_smile:
    You're right, you gotta do life. I love that you are willing to break from convention, but not allow that to box you out from the life you want to experience. "Playing the role" is exactly what a hetero marriage can feel like when it ain't quite right. That can get dissatisfying, empty and discouraging, depending on how the gig goes. It can be frustrating if you are living somewhat vicariously through your spouse as well.

    I hope the friend you want to reach out to again has been able to make peace with himself and is receptive if you two meet up again. It sounds like you had a great relationship on one level, but conflicts outwardly, on a social level, that made it sour. Sometimes, that's just the way it ends. Only time can tell.
     
  9. Brandy Bee

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    Thanks for the compliment regarding my avatar!
    Yes, I think he broke contact with me because it was increasingly obvious that I didn't fit in with his larger social group. He was safe and an open way to experiment with being more public in terms of my feminine gender expression, until I guess others probably started asking WTF was up with Brandon, when I was really just expressing myself as Brandy.
    As for my marriage, I think I have to find a good counselor to help me figure if or how to bridge the gap where personal self expression ends, and just being a dad begins. I keep trying to push my needs to the side, forget about them and just do my dad job, but it's getting so tiring always feeling like I've sold my own happiness for someone else's life's template, and I worry so much that my unhappiness is somehow really negatively affecting my kids, no matter how much I try to put on the brave, happy face. I love my kids so much, but when does my life, my happiness get a chance to grow too?
    I probably sound so selfish, I'm not sure if I'm coming across completely accurately, but this is how I feel in this very moment.
     
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  10. UMedusa

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    It's OK to sound selfish, it's an honest output of emotion and getting that into words can do a lot of good.

    Raising kids and coming out/transitioning within a marriage, etc., those are all pretty heavy things. Seeing a counselor is a great idea. Obviously find someone that is experienced with LGBTQ+ social struggles for best results. Counselors shouldn't tell you what to do, but they can help you articulate for yourself how you feel about the life you have and the path in front of you. If you are worried about being selfish, or not authentic enough for yourself or your kids, they can help you see where the lines are, so you can take an educated lead role in your life, versus always playing the role you think you're supposed to be in for the people you love.

    There are other good resources besides counseling as well. You get to make yourself. One thing that all of this has taught us-- we gravitate to certain things organically, and the opinions of others have muddied the waters more often than not. When you find someone you want to emulate, pay attention to that. Is it selfish to put energy into what inspires you to be alive?
     
  11. silverhalo

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    I a man also wondering if he pushed you away because you represent the gay part of him that he is generally trying to hide. Just like he was generally trying to get you to initiate the fooling around and then it would seem, in his mind at least he could blame you for it.
     
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  12. weary

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    @Dkrs1287 we haven't heard back from you. How are you feeling?
     
  13. Brandy Bee

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    That is *exactly* what I thought, many times.
    I tried talking to him about that couple times, he insisted was wasn't gay, bi, or anything but straight and would always become very defensive about it. He once or twice flat out denied that we had been intimate at all, as though I literally wasn't in a position to bear witness to the contrary, against the irrefutable evidence that I was the very person he was intimate with!
    There's so many reasons I don't want to contact him again: still angry he treated me that way, scared I'll be ignored again, scared that even if we did reconnect, it would be in the context of complete denial of our history, or scared that maybe now, he's found a partner, maybe he's married; hell, I don't know. Knowing him as well as I did though, I am most certain that the last option didn't occur: if anything, he's living with another man as "roommates" (which he actually did with Ben, once Ben, who lived right next door, had had it with his own live in girlfriend (for reasons I can't speak to--I don't know), he immediately was welcomed to move in)
    You know what? It was nice to put this out there, to write it out, but now that I'm thinking about it, I need to just stand by my past decisions to do contact him again. After all, he dumped me, if he had any real interest, he'd have called me by now.
    If only my current boyfriend wasn't so darn busy working all the time! I admire his drive, but he's so unavailable on so many levels that I wish we were taking the time to nurture. Like, I see him once every three months or so!
     
  14. Lgbtqpride

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    He is demisexual.
     
  15. silverhalo

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    I often think it's good to get things out and write them down or discuss them with someone else, in your own head things can become a bit mixed and confusing (or at least that is the case in my head).
    He obviously wasn't ready to deal with his sexuality and I'm not saying that justifies his actions towards you of course it doesn't.
    Have you spoken to your current boyfriend about how you are feeling?
     
  16. Brandy Bee

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    Interesting thought, but no there's way to much other history with this person that rules that out.
    Besides, I really don't get too hung up on specific identities: whether someone is bi today, and feels gay tomorrow; what's the difference? To me, rigid adherence to a label of any kind has in my observation, never really served anyone well, these definitions are great for internet media fluff pieces, but unless embedded in the definition is a solution to the difficulty one experiences in managing their life and finding happiness, the definitions seem to inform a conformity of another kind, else a person's lifestyle be subject to a criticism of inauthenticity by others.
     
  17. Brandy Bee

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    Well no, not exactly. I haven't seen him since this all started piling up recently. I'm going to see him tomorrow night, he keeps his distance too; I think he just doesn't want to get too involved, although he really seems to like spending time together.
    I'm moved on from A. I put it all down here, I guess I just wanted to see it all down and sort through it in writing to myself. I certainly appreciate all of the helpful feedback and understanding I'm getting on EC!
    Tomorrow will be nice. We're going to dinner and then I'll see if he still has holiday shopping to do: I'd love to browse the local merchants with him, it's very romantic for me.
     
  18. silverhalo

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    That's cool. I hope you have a great time.
     
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  19. Brandy Bee

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    Thanks, we did! Had an excellent shrimp curry at an old haunt, we shared an app (nachos...I know, so romantic, right? :wink:
    A few drinks back at his place, then a whole lotta hard-core necking! I mean, we made out like a couple of teenagers at the drive in for like, two or three hours! I don't often kiss and tell (I do), but it was steamy!
    It was very late by this point, and I'd had some drinks, so no driving: he shared his bed. . more kissing and other stuff, then we fell asleep, bodies entwined until my alarm went off early this morning.
    *feeling blissful*
     
  20. Landgirl

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    It's not good. If it wasn't for our son, my ex-husband would be happier writing me out of his life completely and pretending I didn't exist. However, we need to maintain contact to discuss arrangements for our son and his wellbeing, but he ensures this is kept to an absolute minimum. There are also some aspects of his character that were previously well hidden, but are now coming to the fore, which have made me realise that my marriage wasn't only unsatisfactory because I am gay, and I am happier now for a great many reasons.
     
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