How do you know when your married

Hi my question is, does your husband know how and what your feeling? If he does then what does he think ? I know it's a difficult subject to bring up and talk about, but to not may just develop into a more tense situation. I know for me i knew the women i was with loved me and until i said something, she assumed we'd be together forever. & As much as i didn't want to hurt her, to continue living as if everything was fine. Would have only made future more difficult.
Good luck

 

Only you can decide what is best for you and your situation. Some on here have been able to have open marriages, some divorce and continue on their journey, some closet and stay in the marriage, some have affairs while married...

I don't think there is any right answer. There will be pain and hurt in all of them. I chose to be honest and talk to my husband and it has not worked out well. I came out to him almost 2yrs ago and separated a little over 6mo ago. I had to reaffirm to him last week that we are separated because he wanted to act like we were still together. I guess it finally hit home with him and this past week has been hell. I won't go into here, but you can read my post on Need Advice if you want. It hasn't been good and if I had to do it over again I don't know what I would do.

 

Lol i got a very similar response, the women i was living with. Even went as far to say she'd be willing to be in a three some. I do give her a lot of credit, when i first told her that i was having feeling that questioning my sexuality. She was willing to let me be with a man sexually. But the first time a guy i had meet, stopped by. It was a different story, it was at that point i knew. That the time had come for me to move out.
Can i ask are you or could you maybe see a LBGT therapist, that's what i ended up have to do. With their help, i moved this past may. & I am totally loving my new life, the freedom it's great.. Lol

 

Hi @LaurenG -
Yes, I can relate, asking myself if I'm just making this all up in order to make my life more interesting. I've often thought I just like to make out with a guy, just to see how I felt. But I don't want to mess up my marriage and family. There is a line that should not be crossed.

You're one step ahead of a lot of us, having already talked with your husband. My guess is that he's uncomfortable with the subject, which is why he jokes about a threesome. Is there a possibility of talking more with your husband to get him to understand? Counseling seems like a really good idea. Meanwhile, keep posting here and exploring your thoughts and feelings -- it can be amazingly helpful.

 

When we come out the husband or wife may say they are up for a threesome....sadly as time moves on this doesn't happen in most cases....it could be they think this is the answer to saving the relationship. It destroyed my marriage coming out bi/gay and I live alone, third day in!!! But in the end we find our true selves....and have piece in our hearts, take your time and be careful
Rade X

 

Yeah that's what it was with the women i was living with, that if she agreed to a three some. That we'd stay together, but let me have the gay sex. I had to explain (and i think maybe) if it was just about the sex then maybe. But for me it wasn't, and i got the anger the whole line. But in time and with a lot of open and honest talking, she came to see and accept. That our relationship was over, but we've tried staying friends.

 

Oh my, I've agonized over this very thought soooo much. What if I just have a self-destructive streak? What if I just can't be happy with anyone and am doomed to ruin one relationship after another? It's horrible

 

Hi, I am in the same boat as you. I'm weighing my options as to whether I can continue to get by in a good but sexually unfulfilling marriage. I agree with some of the others that therapy may be a good option for you. Mine does not specialize in LGBT but she is empathetic and helpful all the same.

 

It sounds like there are a couple of issues here. In addition to questioning your sexuality, you say that sex with your husband has been an issue since Day 1. I don't what the issue is, but I assume it has to do with him. Is it something he could/would correct if you mentioned it (assuming you haven't already)?

I've read many stories from people saying they are in a sexless (or sexually unfulfilling) marriage who then begin looking into same-sex interactions. I'm not saying that unsatisfying sex with your husband "turned" you bi/gay. You probably had those tendencies for a while and they are now coming to the surface as you deal with the sexual issues with your husband.

If you haven't already talked to your husband about the sexual issues and impressed upon him the importance of it to you, I appears that would be the first step. If he is unwilling (or unable) to correct those issues, then perhaps a therapist would help.

Leaving an otherwise good marriage is not a step to be taken lightly. All I can do is wish you good luck.

 

Do you actively enjoy touching him? Is it or has it ever been a sensual experience for you? Do you feel comfortable looking into his eyes when making love or have you always found those more intimate moments hard and favoured less intimate sex acts? Are you actually comfortable with the concept of making love with as well as having sex with....? Who do you daydream about? Whose smile and quirks stay in your mind's eye?

 

Hi @LaurenG -
I've often wondered the same thing - If my marriage were not so rocky, would my desires be different? After thinking about it for a good long while, I've concluded that it doesn't matter. What does matter is that with everything in my life as it is, I do feel the yearning for same-sex intimacy. I have the choice of acknowledging that and figuring out how to include it in my life, or trying to avoid it.

 

Hi Lauren. I'm not sure if that was addressed to me or not. Since it came right after my comment, I assume it was.

I am not saying that at all. To the contrary, I said "I'm not saying that unsatisfying sex with your husband "turned" you bi/gay. You probably had those tendencies for a while and they are now coming to the surface as you deal with the sexual issues with your husband."

I hope this clarifies things.

 

It's hard to get clarification and really figure things out while married. As for ruining a good marriage... well, there's sacrifice in any monogamous relationship. If you don't want to ruin a good marriage, then don't. If, however, your sexuality is keeping you from having a good marriage, then perhaps reconsider.

 

I think there are two questions that need to be answered.

Firstly, can I put up with unfulfilling sex or no sex for the rest of my life, and if so, is my spouse also ok with that?

And secondly (preferably after working through the issue with a sympathetic therapist), "can I put up with acting contrary to my natural identity for the rest of my life, and what would that involve?

 

You make a good point about including my husband's feelings in the decision-making process, as some others on here have also suggested to me. I often think I can live without the sex, but I think of the combined sexual and emotional intimacy I could have with a woman and it kills me. My husband and I just don't have that.

We somehow ended up on this topic the other day and he asked me if I'm feeling unfulfilled. I dodged the question and just said that it's hard for me to feel like I'm an invisible member of this community and have no way to express that side of myself, apart from changing the way I dress a little. He seems to think that if it's not mainly about the sex it's not really an issue. But he's trying to talk about it at least.

 

Hi LaneyM-
That's happened to me too, where I dodge the question. It's been when my wife asks a question that is the perfect opportunity for me to say what's really on my mind, but I'm so caught by surprise that I take the easy way out. Others have posted here about similar things happening with them.

I think that's one of the big benefits of being here on Empty Closets. By thinking and writing about what I really want, and about what I'm figuring out about myself, and by getting the feedback and encouragement from other people, when those unexpected opportunities pop up I'm now more ready and willing to say what I really want to say. I hope it will work that way for you too.

Hugs!
=Sevn

 

Thanks for the response! I hope so too. I did finally tell him yesterday that I joined this forum, and I told him they also have support sites for the straight member of an m-om couple that he could check out. I just want him to realize that this is all real and the reason for so much of my mental health struggles, and that I'm trying my best to process and work through it all.