35-year-old guy here. It has been a while since I've posted here. I have been coming out gradually since 2014 although now I'd say I'm pretty much quite out. Not shouting it from the rooftops and not fully out at work though I'm surprised that more of my senior colleagues don't know that I'm in a fairly serious relationship with someone in our collective professional sphere. I have been dating my current boyfriend for about 8 months now. I dated quite a bit before that but this guy seemed quite special from the start. The seriousness of my relationship with him prompted me to come out to my sister in May and my parents in July (he did the same with his family in July). Everything with my parents could not have gone better. My parents and sister were visiting me in October, so he met everyone then. Everything with that could not have gone better. He was an absolute gentleman just by being himself and he instantly felt, to me and to I think everyone else, part of the family. He's slated to visit his home in Ireland for about a month starting in December to sort out visa renewals, etc. He hasn't seen his parents since January. He wants me to visit for a few days around the new year to see his home, meet his family, etc. And I am completely anxiety-ridden over it. I'm not quite sure why. I visited Ireland a few years ago with my family and loved it. I think there are a few reasons for it. A minor anxiety-inducer is the money associated with the plane ticket. Expensive but not insurmountable. I have always been single and I have always had days around Christmas and New Year's to laze around my childhood home and spend time with my parents. Selfishly, I'm scared of sacrificing some of those days (I know, live a little). I'm nervous to meet his parents and family in this immersive fashion (will this be non-stop stressful 'on' time?). Lastly, the trip will likely force me to be a little more out at work as it will be difficult to take a transcontinental flight and hide the truth as to why. When I started dating him I told myself that I knew I'd need to leave my comfort zone a bit if this was going to work. I've been doing that, sometimes it's scary,but generally it's been going well. All this is surprisingly psyching me out a bit. It's a big step in the relationship and I've questioned whether I'm ready for this step. It would be easier to wait until the summer to take a visit there and spend some time elsewhere in Europe as well (on a bit of a time crunch this trip), but I know he is eager for me to meet his parents. And understandably so. My parents meeting him was hugely helpful in alleviating their anxieties about the mystery man in their only son's life (first time I've ever introduced them to someone I've dated; it'd be the same for him). Probably I'm blowing this whole thing out of proportion. I just needed to vent about it a bit. I could talk to him about it (I feel bad not talking to him about it already), but he's so sweet he'd just tell me to wait until the summer to visit. And I think I need to push the envelope of my comfort zone a bit here as well. Any thoughts? Is this normal? Am I a commitphobe? Is this a red flag? Thanks all for making this such a welcoming and supportive forum.
Hi! I don't think it's abnormal at all to be nervous. It's a big step, and affects other parts of your life too. It doesn't make you a commitphobe for sure. I think that's awesome that it worked out so well with your family. Are you nervous about how his family feels about the same-sex relationship, or is it more general nerves about meeting your SO's family?
Normal? Absolutely! The way I see it, it's like you've already hit the jackpot, and now you're going for double-or-nothing. That's a gross oversimplification, and not very accurate. But from your description, so far things are going great. But there's a risk in meeting your boyfriend's family. How much do you know about your boyfriend's family? Do they know that your boyfriend is gay? Do they know about you? Do you have any indications of how accepting of you they will be? My suggestion would be the same as to anyone facing an important but uncertain situation - get as much information as you can, and think about how you will respond with various outcomes. Don't be naive, but be sure to play through your mind where everything goes as well as it did with your family. Good luck, and best wishes! =Sevn
In your post you list all the reasons to be anxious about the visit/meeting parents, but none of the reasons it would be good for you. Perhaps there is a strong case for you to make a deliberate list of why you should do it - for you, your partner, your relationship etc. Taking the time to seriously consider what you have to gain rather than lose may help with perspective. Worth noting that the only 'red flag' for me was when you mentioned red flags at the end of your post. If you are questioning the relationship more than the trip to Ireland, perhaps it would be better to resolve those concerns first.
I think it's just normal nervous jitters on your part. This is the first time you've really been seriously "involved" with someone, and to add to the mix, it's a same sex relationship. That alone adds more possible "drama" to the mix. Let me ask you this, how did your parents take it when your boyfriend came out to them? If it went well and they are accepting, then you don't have that "extra" issue to worry about. I think your boyfriend is very proud of you and the relationship you've built, so he is excited to show you off to his family. I personally think you really need to do this, go and meet his family. Relax and push yourself out of your comfort zone. I think once you are there, you'll have a great time. And after all, when we "love" someone, we do things "for them" that we might not normally do. With that in mind, when you make someone else truly happy, it "overflows" and comes back to you, giving you a warm/fuzzy feeling, so it's a win/win. I think if you go on this trip and meet his family, it will be one of those things that afterwards... you'll be so glad/thankful you did!
Correction from post above: Let me ask you this, how did "HIS" parents take it when your boyfriend came out to them?
