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Crush on a straight girl / accepting my sexuality

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Elph, Nov 9, 2018.

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  1. Elph

    Elph
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    Hahaha you're "I've been there! Like yesterday" made me laugh! I didn't even know how having a crush felt like, until I understood that I had some in my life!

    But I'm just wondering.. how can they know as I didn't realise it for so long?? For now, I think that I'm not brave enough to ask these questions :frowning2: But I appreciate your help so much!!! I guess that the people I want to tell first are my best friends, I know that they would be totally supportive and nothing would change but I'm scared, I don't know why! And I don't even know how to bring up the subject...

    Aww that's so sweet! Well, I'm French actually haha! I just love learning languages and English is my favorite!! Sometimes I think in English hahaha! You should keep on learning French, it's a beautiful language :wink:
     
    #21 Elph, Nov 15, 2018
  2. beenthrdonetht

    beenthrdonetht
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    Zut alors! Linguistic intelligence is the highest kind (in my not-so-humble opinion). I knew a Hungarian guy who said he learned English just to read Shakespeare. Blank verse (ten-syllables, iambic pentameter) is a taste one has to acquire, like tasting wine.

    I will be in Paris for Xmas so I will get my chance to keep learning.

    Amicalement, moi
     
    #22 beenthrdonetht, Nov 15, 2018
  3. Elph

    Elph
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    Wow Shakespeare is another level! I don't know if mine is good enough to read the plays!
    Paris is such a beautiful city, especially during Christmas time, but I wouldn't want to leave there, it's too crowded haha, I hope that you will enjoy your stay!
     
    #23 Elph, Nov 15, 2018
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  4. Devil Dave

    Devil Dave
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    It is quite natural to admire people from afar even if we don't have a chance with them.

    When I think back to the crushes I used to have on straight guys, I think of it as being my mind's way of preparing me for the possibility of relationships with other men.

    It also felt kind of "safe" to have fantasies about people I could not be with, because these attractions were a secret that I didn't tell anybody about. Nobody knew I was attracted to these guys, therefore nobody could tell me "you need to give up the idea of being his boyfriend because it ain't gonna happen."

    But when you are out of the closet, you will eventually want to stop fantasizing and having one-sided attractions, and start having real experiences with people. I managed this by being up front with all my friends and colleagues. They know that I like men and they are fine with it. If I see a hot guy and say to one of my friends "that guy's got a nice ass" they look and say "yeah he does" or "you little pervert!" and laugh it off and that's it. I get it off my chest and carry on with my life instead of letting it build up into a secret crush on a straight man.

    So, eventually you will find your own way of overcoming this crush on a straight girl.
     
    #24 Devil Dave, Nov 15, 2018
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  5. Jamie92203

    Jamie92203
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    I have this friend from my old town I used to live in and I told her I might like her and that was a few weeks before her birthday party and she didn't invite me ad I felt so bad. I still do because ever since we been friends we went to each others parties until I was 14
     
    #25 Jamie92203, Nov 15, 2018
  6. Elph

    Elph
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    I didn't think of seeing straight crushes like that but now that you mention it, it kind of makes sense! I envy you for saying your thoughts out loud, it must be the greatest feeling ever! I eventually want to be out of the closet soon but I don't how to do it.. I understand that I love girls, saying it to people is gonna be harder :frowning2:
     
    #26 Elph, Nov 16, 2018
  7. Elph

    Elph
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    Oh wow.. I'm so sorry :frowning2: Did she talk to you after you told her that you might like her?
     
    #27 Elph, Nov 16, 2018
  8. Elph

    Elph
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    So guys, today I've been in the same room with my crush and I couldn't stop staring at her from time to time, and we talked together! She's so nice and the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, I was acting so weird, I was super excited and talkative and all smiles but when she went back home with her friends, I suddenly felt empty and sad.. My friends saw that I wasn't in a good mood and I just said that I was tired (which is also true hahaha). I don't know what to do, I started to talk to her on social media 3 days ago and I was the happiest! I have to write her again on Sunday because she's waiting for me to give her my opinion about a movie she saw this week (I will watch it on Sunday, that's why). I know that it's not good because my crush won't go away if I talk to her but she makes me happy and writing to her as well... I can't say it to anyone and its probably the worst because I'm having all these thoughts and feelings that I keep to myself, I'm feeling sad :frowning2:
     
    #28 Elph, Nov 16, 2018
  9. beenthrdonetht

    beenthrdonetht
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    Oh this is all good news really but frustrating too! It's good that she is waiting for you to connect, imagine what's going through her mind, looking forward with anticipation to hearing from you. But that's all in the context of flirting, which is just what you are not doing (although you probably want to). Or are you? Well that's exactly the problem.

    You actually have already taken the right first steps, by telling us about your feelings. Maybe you can now say something to your (other) friends like "I'm finally having a crush but you'll never guess, it's so unexpected." It would be a step to letting out some of the pressure -- you don't want to be a balloon forever! Plus, she (I mean She) might have some clue anyway.

    I guess the real issue right now is how to phrase your movie review. Get some personal chit-chat into it. I'm sure I don't have to advise a young lady on how to do that. Of course you're nervous. But electronic messages are great because you can prepare them and say things just the way you want.
     
    #29 beenthrdonetht, Nov 16, 2018
  10. Elph

    Elph
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    The thing is, I don't think that she is waiting for me to tell her about the movie with excitement, I guess it's a random conversation for her! And she was just being nice to ask me about my opinion...
    If I tell about her to my friends, it will be the same as coming out to them or? I will see them on Sunday actually (my best friends) as I go to the movie with one of them and then we meet all together.. maybe I have to find some courage to tell them about it.. it's scary omg :frowning2:
     
    #30 Elph, Nov 16, 2018
  11. beenthrdonetht

    beenthrdonetht
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    You paint the picture so clearly I feel like it's me... because it has been, at other times. I guess the best you can do for now is think about something else. Get involved in a complicated puzzle or problem or book or something. Then your "smarter" brain can think about it without being bothered by your "overly-focused" brain. (This is not literal of course, I'm not a neurologist, but maybe you can see what I mean.)
     
    #31 beenthrdonetht, Nov 16, 2018
  12. Elph

    Elph
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    Aww yes I see what you mean! I will try to stay focus on something else, like listening to music or reading... Why is having a crush so magical and painful at the same time?? I'm already excited to be on Sunday just to be able to write her, it sucks :frowning2:
     
    #32 Elph, Nov 16, 2018
  13. Nic2552

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    If I was in your shoes, I would feel her out, ask her questions to see where she stands sexuality wise and to see if she likes you too.
    Have a gathering and invite friends then that's when you ask her to come. Get to know her that way.

    And when it comes to your sexuality , date guys to see how it makes you feel, you don't have to put a label on yourself because you don't know , but you won't know unless you explore yourself, it's good to explore and experiment in order to figure out who you are as a person. Btw Keep us updated



     
    #33 Nic2552, Nov 16, 2018
  14. Elph

    Elph
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    That's really hard to do because we just started to talk to each other 4 days ago as I answered her Instagram story haha! But I asked her if she wanted to go to the Christmas market with her friends, my friends and I in December, she said yes! We just see each other from time to time at university and that's all :frowning2: So it would be weird if I would ask her questions about her sexuality or?

    About my sexuality, I don't see myself being with guys.. I had some "dates" which turned out to be horrible haha! My first one, we went at the cinema and I remember that I was crossing my arms during the whole movie as I was scared that he would held my hands! The second one was a ###### date! Actually he was really friendly and nice but when we had our date at a coffee bar, I only considered him as a friend.. Later I found out that he dated a girl and I wasn't even sad, it didn't bother me at all! And the more recent one was last year, it was maybe the most painful one (it wasn't even a real date haha)! I met a guy in my student dormitory and we talked a lot with him and his boys friends! The day after, he invited me to watch a movie with his friends as well and when I came in, he was of course alone. I was praying that he wouldn't do anything but he tried to kiss me several times, to hug me and he wanted to have sex. I said that I didn't want to but he forced me and I just ran away omg (so we didn't do anything). I went back home crying the whole night... I didn't understand why all my attempts with guys were failure and why I wasn't interested in any guys even though I had several moments to try something. I never had crushes on guys in my entire life and it won't happen I guess. I don't see myself dating guys, kissing them or more...
     
    #34 Elph, Nov 17, 2018
  15. beenthrdonetht

    beenthrdonetht
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    *Sigh* yes it is.
     
    #35 beenthrdonetht, Nov 17, 2018
  16. Nic2552

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    How did you guys meet ? You have to be smooth with finding out details about her sexuality. When you guys do hang out , just ask her general question like do you have a bf or gf because nowadays you don't know anyone sexuality... jokingly ..

    When it comes to sexuality, you do sound like you know what you are. You are definitely not attracted to guys. It will take time but you will eventually come to terms with yourself. Once you do you will feel free. Just say it to yourself in the mirror. Once I said it out loud I am gay, I felt so good




     
    #36 Nic2552, Nov 17, 2018
  17. Elph

    Elph
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    We met at university, she's doing her first year of master's degree and it's my second (and last one)! We met because my friends and I were organising a special day for the new students (so they can get to know each other before classes start) and she was there. I talked to her but not that much, we really talked like yesterday as we had a special day for both years of Master. So actually we are not even friends, we just say "hi" when we meet at university...

    I really want to feel ok with my sexuality because it hurts me to keep this part of me from my closest ones.. I feel like I'm having a huge secret and I would like to talk about crushes, love etc with them.. Today I cried a lot as I felt lonely with all my feelings even if this platform is amazing and you guys are too, you really help me to be myself and I couldn't thank you enough for that! But sometimes it's really overwhelming and I wish I could spill it out to my best friends :frowning2:
     
    #37 Elph, Nov 17, 2018
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  18. Devil Dave

    Devil Dave
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    maybe try meeting some new friends? That's not to say you should stop seeing your old friends, but if you want to reveal a part of your life that you haven't shared with anyone before, it can be good to share it with new people who don't have any history with you. When I first came out, i did have friends who i knew were totally accepting of gay people, but I didn't come out to them straight away. I first came out to a guy I met at uni who was openly gay and we started dating (it didn't last long) but letting my older friends know that I had started seeing a guy on my own terms worked out just fine. They didn't get upset at me for not coming out to them first, they respected me for figuring it out in my own way.
     
    #38 Devil Dave, Nov 18, 2018
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  19. Elph

    Elph
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    The thing is that I'm so busy with university as it is my last year that I don't have the time to meet new people.. Yesterday I talked with my crush by message and we were exchanging about the movie we saw! She's actually so funny and I was smiling so hard while reading a simple message oh my god... She is visiting a city next Saturday with her friends and she asked me if I wanted to come (also with my friends)!! I hope I won't have too much homework so that I can say yes! But as we were talking about the movie, she only mentioned how the men were sexy and that she had a crush on one of them, I was so sad.

    You said that you didn't come out to your friends first and I imagine doing the same thing.. it's maybe easier to come out to someone who doesn't know much about you and it made me think of someone! My crush has a girl friend, who is in the same student dormitory as me, I also know her a little bit, we talk sometimes at Uni. And she followed me on social media, I saw that she follows Hayley Kiyoko and that she loves her music omg.. So she's either an ally, either part of the community! I got so excited when I saw this!
     
    #39 Elph, Nov 19, 2018
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  20. Devil Dave

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    Yeah you want to wait until any important events are out of the way before coming out. It can have quite a big emotional impact on you, whatever people's reactions are, so you don't want it be a distraction when you have important events such a graduation or a wedding or a funeral or starting a new job or a recent child birth in the family etc. Things like that are what friends and family or yourself need to focus on and adjust to at the time, and coming out is something yourself and people you are close to will need to adjust to as well, so you'll want to avoid adding an extra major event to your life and the lives of those close to you. Best to do it during a time when there's not much going on and things are just as "normal" as they can be.
     
    #40 Devil Dave, Nov 19, 2018
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