When are compliments not welcome?

Wow, that is a dichotomy. I guess you just roll with it. It feels nice and friendly, and also kind of disappointing. I don't think either of them were being catty. Some people are so incredibly hurtful to TG folks when they are outed, it is obscenely inhumane. It's good that you inspire sincere compliments from those who see you for who you are-- a beautiful, courageous woman trying her best to be seen for who she knows she is.
Best to you with your upcoming hormone procedures and everything in between.

I really like this talk, if you have time to watch, you might too.

 

But, you are beautiful, just the way you are. You really are. TG is worthy of praise. I know it's nice to blend in, but stay strong, because those compliments are sincere praise.

 

I'd be conflicted too. I guess they are thinking they are doing a good thing, but it would be much better if they said 'I really like your hair', 'I really like your top,' 'your make-up looks great,' those are confidence boosts. Saying you look passable, even if meant in a positive way, is bound to be a bit of a knock-back. I think the way you're feeling is very understandable.

 

Really good point. If you look back at other movements in society that remove bigotry, I think people have it in order of: awareness, acceptance, and then comes tactfulness. It's hopefully meant as a step in the right direction, but also kind of sh*tty.

 

The first lady was rude, the second man I feel was simply a bit clueless, I think he actually wanted to say something that would boost your self-esteem but probably hadn't really interacted with a trans person before and thought he was saying something nice by saying you would easily pass as a woman (as he assumed that was your goal) I don't think that he got that you actually want to be seen and treated as a woman.


I am curious about why you aren't a feminist though ? Surely, as a woman women's rights/equal rights should be of interest to you?

 

I'm not a feminist, but am a strong advocate for equal rights -- for everyone. I don't feel that women need to be singled out.

Regarding compliments, I live in a very LGBT aware community, so that may influence what people say, but I get lots of compliments, and they all just end with the compliment -- nothing like "Gee you're pretty, considering," or any of that stuff, And I don't pass most of the time. I can, but rarely go to the effort. I'm completely accepted, just the way I am, and I'm treated like a lady, whatever people think. That's good enough for me.

 

THANK YOU!

Then you are a feminist, that's what feminism is about. Feminism isn't about women being above men or more important than men (that's called hembrism), feminism is about equality for all irrelevant of gender.

Nobody is asking you to be "like that" you just have to look at history to see why (some) men may in fact be responsible for a lot of what you may gauge as "our own failings", feminism isn't about blaming men though, it's about rectifying the gap between men and women and often, (certain) men and minorities and it does involve some "blame putting" as a problem needs to be acknowledged before it can be rectified.

Then sorry but you are part of the problem, the fact that you think being talked over and having to put up with sexism is equivalent to being (seen as) a woman is quite insulting actually. We (cis-women) dream of being treated fairly and with respect and everytime you knowingly pass as a woman and actually support sexism and men being disrespectful to you as you perceive they would to any women (just because you enjoy being seen for who you are) you are making it harder for us.

I am a massive intersectional feminist and support 100% trans people so when a trans woman declares she isn't a feminist it seems a bit like an insult, kind of like she wants (what she perceives) as the advantages of living as a woman and wanting other women's support in doing so while not being willing to provide this support back. I understand each have personal reasons and I respect that but I genuinely fail to understand it.


I think it's important to keep in mind that while you are a woman, you weren't born one, and I don't mean that as an insult, I mean that while you were always a woman mentally you probably were made to grow up as your assigned sex for a chunk of your life, you were therefore perceived as your assigned sex for a determined chunk of your life and due to the body you were born with there are plenty of physical and physiological experiences you will never get to experience, it's not a bad thing but it means that your experience will never be fully on par with the one of a cis woman, as a woman you will have experienced I am sure lots of similar experiences and as a trans person plenty of struggles but growing up with a female body and perceived by society as a girl/woman from birth also brings its own kind of struggles that you might not be fully able to relate to or understand which might be the reason why feminism might seem a littlelike we are blaming men.

I appreciate that you enjoy a lot of what we (cis-women) gauge as sexism etc...as you see it as a validation of your identity and I respect that but it's different when micro-agressions from men are constant and never-ending and that's what we , (cis-women) have to deal with and what we (feminists) are fighting against.

 

I knew I was a feminist since I was about 12 maybe but it's only because I believe that all people are equal not matter what they identify as.

 

I thought that was humanism.

Also, there is more than one variety of feminist, the most obnoxious of which is the TERFS, or Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminists. If they are feminists, they taint the entire pool. If feminists want my respect, they need to clean up their own ranks and exorcise the TERFs

 

I'd just like to say thank you for being one of the only women I've ever seen who looks at feminism rationally and sees the problems with its supposed 'mission for equality' instead of just blindly supporting it like most do. I've been in a few arguments about it here before and it's nice to finally see someone else acknowledge the issues.

It was also interesting to see how you were immediately turned on for not blindly supporting it, with things like it being 'insulting' for you to not support it just because feminists like transgender people being mentioned, like you somehow automatically owe them your undying support just for being a woman and anything less is considered traitorous and part of the problem.

 

Personally speaking, without more context, I think this was just an innocent compliment. I mean, I don't compliment random strangers often, but with people I'm friends with (guy or girl), if they are dressed nice or look exceptionally good I know I'll say without hesitation "You look really nice today!" Just simply trying to be nice and give a compliment.

This one I see as different because the guy could have literally said "You look nice" and left it at that and it would've been a simple compliment. By adding in the "very passable" it's more of a back-handed compliment. "Oh, you look nice, but I can also tell you're trans by looking at you." If your conversation with him was going well, then I don't think it was meant as mean, he could have just screwed up in his language and it came out as mean.

By being against feminism because of TERFs is like being against Islam because of Islamic terrorists or Christianity because of the KKK. I'm not saying you have to be a feminist, that's all your own choice to make, I just don't believe in vilifying a whole group due to the actions of a few. TERFs are shitty, completely agree...but that's not every feminist.

 

Hey Chierro,

I tend to compliment anyone I think looks nice, especially women because I worry that their men never tell them. I don't even think about who they are, if I think they look good, I just say so, and never say a word about anything else.

With regard to your comment on feminists, Donald Trump is not every Republicain either, but I feel it's the duty of the Republican party as a whole to exorcise him and his minions from the party. Feminists need to police their ranks as well. When a TERF speaks as a feminist, they are representing the entire group, whether the entire group agrees with them or not. The "other" feminists need to speak out and drive such people from their ranks, or they are giving tacit approval to their message.

 

There can't be more than one variety of feminism, there is a definition to feminism and everyone who strays away from it isn't a feminist, there are extremists in every aspect of life, terrorists who use a religion to kill people do not belong to the religion they feel they represent as they have strayed away from original teachings. It's the same with feminazis and terf.

I also don't think we should "earn your respect" as a) why should we?
and b) if you are a trans woman who openly "lack respect" for (most) other women who look out for equality and their rights then I would personally struggle to respect you and accept you as one of us. I would still fight for your rights as a trans woman to have access to what you need throughout your journey, but yes.
Feminism also doesn't stop in modern world countries, plenty of countries don't have basic human rights for women. I think it's not on feminists to eradicate extremists identifying as feminists, it's on you to be the activist you want to be and the world to have.