Hello everyone! I am a 21 year old male and i consider myself bisexual and have done so for about 3-4 years... Lately i have questioned my sexuality alot though and i hope you guys Can help. So... I feel sexual attraction towards both genders... it is very complicated though because it is Way more frequent that i see a woman that i find attractive since my taste for women is very wide (women my own age and milfs)...On the other hand... my attraction to guys is very narrow since i have a very specific type, however when i see a guy that fits my type i am more attracted to him than any woman basically... since my attraction to guys is so limited i almost always watch straight porn and find great pleasure in that... when i masturbate without porn its the other Way around since my imagination allows me to picture that perfect guy... in other words; i mostly fantasize about those type of guys, i do ocassionally masturbate while fantasizing about a woman too though... Its very much a question of quantitative vs qualitative... I more OFTEN(quantitative) find women attractive (my taste in women is broader), but the rare occasion i find my male type i am MORE(qualitative) attracted than to any woman. Lastly... Romantically i would say my ideal partner would be that special and in my case very rare guy...Emotionally that feels like the absolute ideal of love for me... However i could also see myself in a relationship with a woman and i also have had a crush on a Girl before... it would be emotionally satisfying for me im sure but it would not be as strong as a relationship with that special guy... Am i bisexual or just gay? Would a gay man have any interest at all in women?
I feel like most of what you’re saying in fact proves you’re not gay, some bisexuals are romantically attracted to one gender and not the other or vice versa with being sexually attracted but it seems both are possible for you with them so it makes me believe that you’re still bisexual. I am the same way (but opposite genders) where if I were to find my exact type in a girl I’m strongly attracted her more than the wide variety of men I’m usually into but I still can’t say I really have an ideal gender to marry. It’s so hard to call out the sort of person you will fall in love with in actuality!
You sound like you MIGHT be bisexual. The signals are sometimes hard to read when we are younger because society puts so much emphasis on having opposite sex attractions. I would say to just keep an open mind. It really doesn't matter how you define yourself. Explore and be open and honest. That's about all you can do.
Oops..hit send. I'm bisexual and can relate to what you are referring to regarding having such a strong attraction for such a limited number of men, yet finding a lot more women attractive. I've been that way my whole life. I used to consider myself straight....except for THAT guy. There is one type of guy who, completely, lights my fire. Sadly, all the ones I've met are straight. Had that come along when I was young, I could have seen myself in a relationship with him. In a way, it's a gift that you can feel this way for both men and women even though it is complicated. Enjoy the experiences of finding what you need/desire.
I don't know how bisexuals see this. I almost think that they are more particular in who and what they like. They have a type among men and a type among women that gets them heated up. Yes? No? Most bisexuals wouldn't talk about their hetero side, however big or small it is, on EC because members can talk about that anywhere. This is a site to cut loose about things we want to talk about but might not be able to. Even if people are fully out, I don't know how appropriate it would be to be standing around with a straight acquaintance or colleague and discuss the eye candy of the same gender you just saw and what you'd want to do with them. Right?
Thanks for the reply! What makes you say i MIGHT be bisexual and not just you ARE bisexual.. what is the cause of your doubt? Also... i feel as though the only option i have is to focus on guys during my 20’s since i ONLY find guys this age attractive... i have no attraction to men in Theis late 20’s and up...and then when i get to my 30’s find a woman and maybe have kids etc.. however i fear that i at say 35 Will be in a relationship with a woman and enjoy it sexually but really wanting a Young guy... it troubles me alot that i only find Young guys attractive and nordover the most attractive of all... there is sort of a time limit to my true desires since i wont be in my 20’s forever... Any advice? Should i just enjoy my 20’s and then hope i Will find a woman later in life who Will fulfill my desires?
I am curious as well. I mean, you're undeniably bi to me. Everything you said indicates that. You should pick your label though, we can't decide that for you.
Obviously I'm not Nick and can't speak for why he said what he did, but I can say that I would say the same thing. You definitely MIGHT be bisexual. But the fact of the matter is the way you describe your relations with the two sexes seems so completely typical of the way so many gay guys I know would have described it at your age or maybe a bit younger that I would want to reserve judgement... or more importantly would encourage you to do so. The fact is the way you describe women (and I mean it's only a few sentences) seems so general and so sort of societally mandated--you're attracted to men, you find women attractive, there's a certain kind of guy that revs your engines... but women (or at least a good portion of them) are fine too. My fantasy is to be with a particular kind of guy but I'm sure being with a woman would be "emotionally satisfying". Finally the whole I'm just going to focus on guys now because they are who I really find attractive and then some time in the future I'll settle down with a nice woman just seems like some pretty heavy second order justification of not being gay. What you wrote really does look like your ego (or even your superego) wrote the description of women and your id wrote the description of men. Sexuality is an id thing. On the other hand I really don't know you and the idea that I would decide who you are based on about three paragraphs of prose is sort of silly... Clearly what you actually feel should be given a lot more weight than what anyone else, including me, thinks.
The reason I say you MIGHT be bisexual is that there is so much pressure on us to conform to a heteronormative lifestyle. So, for me at least, I had to try and really be sure that I wasn't gay and just couldn't accept it when I was your age. I didn't have much experience with women and almost none with men. So, it was all in my head and based on fantasy. I sense you are in a similar situation. So, you have an opportunity to explore your sexuality with an open mind. Go for it! This sounds creepy. But, I liked the same thing when I was your age. Only guys my age. I sorta left that attraction and got married. Now, that my wife is cool with me exploring, unfortunately, my tastes haven't changed. I am attracted to the younger guys. Fortunately, some of those guys are into older men, so I had a chance, late in life, to explore what I missed out on. If you are bisexual, the right person, of either sex, may come along and change your whole strategy. And, that's cool. But, I wish I would have explored a bit more when I was your age.
Wow, thanks for such a detailed response, i really appreciate it. I understand your point, and it makes alot of sense with the whole id/ego thing. The “problem” is just that i cant see myself being gay when i have absolutely ZERO attraction to men aged about 25+... how could i ever justify being gay when i basically throw all men with classic masculine features out the window? I only find feminine looking guys attractive, and moreover i find Them to be the most attractive of all. Also...how could i be gay when i feel sexual attraction towards women? I mean...It seems weird to me to Call myself gay when i watch straight porn(with my focus on only the women) on a Daily basis...if that was gay then the very definitions of gay and bi/straight is kinda ruined. Yes my highest attraction is for these feminine guys, both sexually and romanntically....But I have sexual attraction to women of all ages(not children and elderly people obviously), it might not be as strong an attraction compared to my attraction to those special guys, but it sure is waaay more frequent...
I wouldn't really worry about the whole lack of attraction to men over 25. When I was your age I wasn't attracted to older men either. You grow, you change--hopefully, if you play your cards right, you get older yourself. Frankly, I'm not attracted to men under 30 now--they just seem sort of... lacking. But they sure as hell worked for me when I was one of them. If you have genuine attraction to women than, yeah, you're bi. But there's so much pressure to feel that that a lot of guys convince themselves they feel it. When I was your age I'd actually been with more women than most of my straight male counterparts. Once I really opened up to the possibility of being gay it all melted away, haven't had a feeling like that for a woman (I mean I can still tell when women are attractive--where would the fashion world be if gay men couldn't tell that, but no actual attraction) in well over 25 years. For me all those feelings were a biproduct of the fact that it feels great to feel normal and to me bi felt more normal than gay. But I eventually learned that, at least for me, being me felt even better than being normal--and the feelings I had for women went away. It works that way for a surprising number of gay men. But then again, like I said, you might be bi...
Ty again for the detailed answer. I get what you are saying about trying to fit in, in a society that considers being straight the "right" thing. And surely that sense of feeling "normal" in terms of sexuality is a great feeling. However, when i watch porn for example, this whole "trying to fit in" thing doesnt bother me, since i know that im anonymous online and can watch whatever porn i like without the fear of judgement... Then how come i watch mostly straight porn? The only reason i can find is that it actually arouses me sexually... since the factor of judgement isnt present here, why wouldnt i just watch all gay porn? probably because i also find straight porn (the women in it) arousing... Also you say you have been with women... Where you sexually aroused? or was it some other "force" that enabled you to actually succesfully have sex with women (if it were a sucess)? And i would love to know from a gay man, how you feel about my porn example... do you differ from me? or do you not find women in porn attractive, hence you being gay and me bi(maybe)?
Just wanted to pop in and say trying to compare your exact experience to someone else rarely yields up much help. There are so many nuances of sexuality and what being "attracted" means that it's basically futile to come up with one all encompassing definition. While one person considers themselves gay, another might consider themselves bi and that's because for a lot of people these definitions are not exact and have a lot of shades of meaning in them, and so people might use multiple labels or none. It's all so arbitrary. I don't even identify with my label perfectly. Lesbian for me is a cultural identity rather than a sexual identity for me. I am attracted to women. I also am attracted to men. So I am actually a bisexual who identifies as a lesbian sometimes. It's very complicated. And in the end it's just words. I don't care what people call me, I just don't want to be called straight because that is not accurate AND represents a "culture" I don't identity with anymore.
I consider myself gay, although I started out straight, convinced myself I was bi, then realised I was neither of those things. None of it really upset me because it was a gradual transition. Things don't always become clear when you want them to. As far as I know, there is no rule which says you must declare that you are anything in terms of sexuality. So when you wake up you can say "what am I today? " and be just that. Personally I would never want to be straight. It's kinda dull.
I agree. I am cool with identifying as gay/bi but not straight. Straight to me now means something more than just a sexuality. It seems to indicate subscribing to an entire culture that I don't fit in with and never really did even when I was straight.
I guess what I would say is that the urge to fit in isn't entirely or even primarily about what other people think. It's about what you think. It's entirely possible that you watch straight porn because you're hot for the women, but it's not entirely true that no one is watching and judging you. You are. And if having other people think you are normal feels good, believing it yourself feels all the better. I've been out and active in the gay community for decades at this point. I've known a lot of gay men and most of them have some experience with women before they came out. I think there's this notion that gay men just know from the get go and hide it from other people. There are guys who know from the beginning--my husband, for instance, is one of those guys who emerged from the womb and thought "whew, never doing that again". But, in my experience, that's really quite rare. I think there's this notion that gay guys know they aren't interested in women, twirl their mustaches evilly, and date them anyway. There may be a few guys who do that, but in my experience that's exceedingly rare. What's much more common is that people convince themselves that they feel things that they really don't. The fact of the matter is that sex feels good, on a basic physical level, stripped of all attraction it just feels good--if this wasn't true people wouldn't masturbate. You combine that with the feeling of normalcy I've already discussed and it's a pretty heady cocktail. Not only does my whole body tingle, but I'm not a degenerate, I'm not going to die alone. Yeah, that's a pretty good feeling, and particularly if you've never actually had sex with someone you were genuinely attracted to it's pretty easy to think that's the feeling, that that's what everybody's singing about, but it's not... and sometimes the only way to know that is to experience the other. The fact of the matter is that I was a pretty great boyfriend, in the bedroom and out, when I was dating women. I had another friend describe that time of his life by saying "of course I was a great boyfriend, it was all about her needs, I knew mine weren't going to be met." That's not exactly how it felt to me. It was all about her needs, but it was more like it felt like I didn't have any needs--and given how problematic the needs I had were, that was a pretty great feeling too. On the other hand, I do think there was a part of me that knew--for instance, I never for even a moment considered marrying a woman... As to porn I can't really say--I'm not much of a porn guy. But I think I've already described why that doesn't seem like quite the evidence to me that it does to you. In the final analysis be who you want to be, do what you want to do. If you really want to learn something from my story, learn that obsessing over who you are based on what you feel only distorts what you feel. Try not to worry about it--wake up each morning and be who you want to be and do what you want to do.
To the OP. We can't define your sexuality for you. So many people worry about where they are on this pendulum. The way I see it is, whether you're a .5 on the Kinsey scale or a 5.5 on the Kinsey scale, you're bisexual. People are just sexual. People don't say it much anymore but there was a popular saying - "If it feels good, do it." That's a good saying, provided what you're doing is legal and doesn't affect someone else negatively. Moderation is also important.
I SO struggle with this! For context, I've only been actively exploring my sexuality for 10 months. On the one hand, I resist choosing a label because that boxes me in and limits the possibilities. After all, it's a problem that I chose the wrong label for most of my life. But on the other hand, clarity about my sexuality would make my path forward so much more clear! Right now, if I have to make a statement, I would describe myself as clearly bisexual, toward the straight end of the spectrum. I said that confidently in our last marriage counseling session, and our counselor responded with something like, "um ... you need to get into counseling with an LBGT counselor to figure out who you really are". Apparently I was not so convincing as I thought I was. Comes to mind the sorting hat at Hogwarts, that would quickly figure out and tell the students who they really are. Wouldn't that be nice! After countless hours of contemplation, I've found it helpful to think in terms of what I'm NOT. It's totally clear that I'm not totally straight -- there's too much evidence and too many feelings to the contrary. So that's where my exploration is headed. Hugs- =Sevn
