Crush on a straight girl / accepting my sexuality

Hello everyone!

I need some advice from all of you... Well, I'm a 22 yo girl, in the closet and I've never told anyone about my sexuality. I love girls and lately, I've been struggling with this because I have a crush on a straight girl. Everytime I'm around her, I'm so so nervous and I barely talk to her, I can't even look at her in the eyes... I know that we can't be nothing but acquaintance and I don't know how to stop thinking about her or how to stop acting nervous when I see her.
I wish I could talk about it with both of my best friends but I can't because I'm in the closet, they believe I love boys even If I've never dated one. I know they would be fully supportive and there for me but I stuggle to come out to them, maybe I am not ready yet... It's been five months since I started questioning my sexuality and I believe it's hard for me to understand that I'm not straight, I don't know why...

If you could give me some advice on how to feel better about this and some advice on how to start accepting myself, I would be really grateful!

Love, Elph

 

I got your back! This situation is so hard! I've been falling only for straight girls because I've never met girls who are also interested in girls until now.
If you fall for a straight girl, knowing that she will never love you the same way as you love her is so painful

 

In the process of realizing that I wasn't straight, I also started to think about me in the past and aknowledged the fact that I had a lot of girl crushes (mainly on my teachers), I had those so-known butterflies that my friends are talking about when they mention having crushes on boys. I'm doing everything that I can to accept myself, I watch a lot of coming out videos, look at girls couples pictures, watch movies including the LGBT community and so on. But still, I guess as you said that I am in denial. The thing is, I'm also afraid to come out and in the end finding out that I'm straight! I know this is silly but as I've never had experience with guys, I'm telling myself that maybe I didn't find the right guy yet. My brain is completely messed up and I'm having a hard time accepting myself while having a crush on this girl... There is no such thing as lgbt meeting or lesbians bars where I live so it's even more complicated!

How did you start accepting yourself and go over this denial stage?

 

Thank you guys for all your answers!
I had so many crushes on girls without acknowledging the fact that these were actually crushes, I thought it was only me wanting to be their best friends but as I questioned my sexuality, I've found out that it could be more than that... because looking at pictures of the same girl every night while smiling like an idiot or having butterflies when she posts something, I guess it's not just dreaming about being friends... This girl I'm crushing on is just so beautiful and nice and I wish we could talk to each other a lot but I know it will hurt me in the end... Right now, I can't think about someone else, she's a sunshine

Accepting the fact that I love girls is hard.. I guess that I am scared about what people will think about me and how my family will react... lately, I got accepted into an internship and in the company, I will be surrounded by woman only!
I told my mom and she said "oh noo.. if there are no boys, it means that it gives you less opportunity to have a boyfriend, that would be a pity if you turn into a lesbian"
She laughed by saying that but I was like "oh my god what does it mean? Did she really mean that?" And I couldn't say anything..
Anyways, dealing with crushes and keeping secret your sexuality to the people you love the most is a struggle

 

About my mom, I seriously wonder why she did say that... But it's not the first time that my family makes this kind of remarks! Last summer, we were going for a walk and my dad said "so, when are you going to date a boy?" And my mom replied "yeaaah when are you? Or a girl" and my dad said "oh no don't come back home with a woman"
Also, this summer, I was with my mom and sister and we wanted to watch a movie, they chose Love Simon omg... I had already seen this movie before and I spent my time crying haha! With my mom and my sis, it was the weirdest thing ever, I was holding back tears, I was spooo nervous during the whole movie and I was waiting for some reaction from them but they didn't say anything!
These last months, there were plenty of situations when my mom and my sister make remarks about my life involving girls, I don't know what to think about this!

About straight crushes, omg you got banned from her house?? Was it hard for you to accept that you love girls? I really want to accept it but I'm too scared of reactions, I'm not a 100% confident person and saying it to people I'm close with is scary I guess it will get better in time!

 

I can't say if they already know or if they are THAT desperate to see me without boyfriend, which would explain the comments... About Love Simon, my sister wanted to see it but my mom didn't know the subject of this movie before watching it! She cried during the coming out to the parents part but she's a very emotional person, just like me! My sister just laughed because she said that it was like a drama and that it shouldn't be a big deal to say those things (if only she knew....) My sister and I are not close enough to tell each other secrets. She's 19, I'm 22 and every time I'm telling her something really important, she laughs at me! So I can't really tell her things that matter to me I would rather tell both of my best friends!

Omg... I'm so sorry for what you went through!! It sucks that religion plays an important role and families are stuck to their beliefs! I'm very happy and proud that you found the courage to be who you are, not letting your mother influence your life! We need more people like you! I wish I was brave enough to come out, at least to my best friends (I apologise if there are any English mistakes, it's not my main language haha)