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Parents put me in a tough spot

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by LumiS, Oct 23, 2018.

  1. LumiS

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    I'm not sure what to do. I spent three hours last night writing a letter coming out to my parents as trans, but today's been horrible.

    First my mom asked me over the phone if I was waiting for my parents to ask me questions. Then later on she texted me commenting that I shouldn't be posting articles about the recent news from the New York Times on the anti-trans memo being considered by the Trump administration, and instead suggested that I post articles relating to my field of study instead so employers don't get irked. When I texted her back that I can post whatever I want to Facebook, she indicated that she was expecting that response from me.

    I'm not sure what to do. I know my parents, especially my mom, suspected something, but I didn't realize they suspected that strongly. I was planning on giving them a coming-out letter when I got home for Thanksgiving, but now I'm not even sure if I should go home for the holiday.

    Any help is appreciated!
     
  2. AnAtypicalGuy

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    Hey, I hate to ask but I'm not entirely sure what the issue is. Are you worried that your family will not accept you? Have you come out and are they rejecting you? Or are you wondering if your family already knows and you don't know if there's a point to coming out? I can't even tell if you've come out or not... Sorry for the lack of help, I just need some clarity before I can attempt to give you that.
     
  3. LumiS

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    I'm out to a bunch of people at this point, but I'm not out to my family yet. I'm terrified that they won't accept me, especially since I'm planning on coming out around Thanksgiving when I'm home for the holiday. It's clear that my family strongly suspects, but I'm not sure how they'd know for sure without being told.
     
  4. AnAtypicalGuy

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    I see. Well, is it necessary for you to come out at this time? People often make a huge deal about the whole Coming Out To Parents thing to the extent that you may forget that doing so comes with risks -- risks that are only worth taking if you absolutely have to come out, or if you're reasonably sure they'll accept you. So have you considered why exactly you want to do this, besides perhaps feeling "obligated" to do so? And have you properly assessed the risk of your parents rejecting you?
     
  5. LumiS

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    I'm ready. And I really want to come out. I'm out to a lot of people in my life already. It's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when, and I'd rather my family finds out on their own terms. I've gotten assurances from people that they will be able to help if things go sour. It's really a matter of how to deal with what my parents have said. I've considered just leaving my letter in the hallway for them to see and just waiting in my room for them to respond...
     
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  6. AnAtypicalGuy

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    Before you decide on an approach it would be well worth your time to find out what your parents think of transgender people. If you can get a sense of their attitude towards them, I can give you some possible suggestions for steps to take, taking into account your safety, and the extent of your parents’ misconceptions, if any. I understand that you may want to get this over with, but it would be wise to carefully plan what could either make or break your relationship.
     
  7. LumiS

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    That would be super helpful. Thanks in advance.
     
  8. AnAtypicalGuy

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    No probs, feel free to message me any time on my profile.
     
  9. LumiS

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    I've decided that I'm going to mail my letter to my family. It'll be much easier and minimize the risk to me. Hoping that goes well.
     
  10. AnAtypicalGuy

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    If you think that's the safest route for you then by all means go ahead. It seems like you've thought it through, so give it your best shot. All the best.