Effects of internalised homophobia on relationships

The unecessarily brutal and cruel way in which my girlfriend turned on me and ended our relationship makes me wonder how big a part internalised homophobia played? And how much was just our fruitloop dynamic?


From intense desire a couple of hours earlier, to her claiming that I was too open with her mother in a conversation in which I said nothing about the relationship itself, just the negative coming out experience with my own family. She labelled me as weird, because I have an autistic habit of tuning others out and not hearing what is going on around me when engrossed in conversation. I freely admit that it is odd. She said she wasn't proud to be with me around others as she should be, because of my oddity, and feared I'd say something too open and intense in front of her friends or family. She even asked me savagely "Is there something you are not telling me about yourself ? " - as if I have been concealing a raft of psychiatric disorders from her. I am many things but I am no liar.

I then had to face the humiliation of watching her kids in a drama production, still tear streaked and literally trembling from her attack, believing that there was something wrong with me, and actually feeling I had lost the plot completely, and I recall distinctly telling her in the car where we had it out "I want to be in hospital". All she could say afterwards, unsympathetically, was that she was worried that I'd bolt out of the theatre in front of everyone. I apologised to her Mum for embarrassing her and her daughter, to which she replied "No it's lovely you were so open with me".

On the otherhand she said it was still fine when it was just her and me together.

She worried incessantly throughout our relationship that we'd be seen kissing or holding hands in her hometown, saying that it would upset people or embarrass her family - that it would cause gossip. Finally, after a hopeless night in which I kept her awake because I felt so anxious and worked myself up over the future (job) muttering like a nutter to God for help, she was done with me. She said she couldn't see a future for us.

 

It could be calm, comforting and healing at times. But then it would take a downturn. It was up and down. She was up and down. And when my mental state worsened recently and I wasn't as strong anymore it derailed.

I'm just so sad. There was so much beauty there. We really made love. I loved kissing and holding and touching her so so much....I cannot imagine finding that again. And I feel like I'm going to find it hard to trust a woman again.