What does attraction feel like to YOU?

This forum is becoming like my second home

I'm having a bit of a hard time working out if I'm attracted to guys I date- my pervious strategy was to end it after the first or second date if I didn't't feel attracted to a person's personality or looks, but now I have a third date scheduled with someone who I'm not sure about.

I thought I'd wait and maybe attraction would develop, but it hasn't with anyone (I didn't really have crushes when I was a kid/teen but I attribute that to not knowing about this thing called 'gay'!).

So I'm interested in what attraction feels like to you. I suppose I have to trust *my* instinct on this but I'm interested what it's like for others.

 

My initial attraction to a person starts with a look both into someone’s eyes as well as their smile. If I perceive kindness and confidence from looking at their eyes and smile, then that triggers my initial attraction. Further attraction is then predicated on the chemistry as we engage in conversation with one another. Do we have shared values, interests and life perspectives? If so, then the attraction continues. I take into account intelligence, life experience and physical looks along the way as well.

For me, being attracted to someone is a based on a series of building blocks taken one step at a time. If any of the building blocks are missing, then I reevaluate my attraction towards someone.

 

Well, first off I wouldn't even consider dating anyone I feel no kind of attraction to. I'd have to find them attractive in some way, whether it be their personality or they physical looks, there has to be something. Once I establish some kind of attraction then I'd consider asking them on a date so see if I'm attracted to all the other aspects of their person. It's not really an instinct thing, I either like them in some way or I don't.

When it comes to what attraction feels like to me... well, I wouldn't quite know how to explain it but I'll try. For starters, I think we all know when we're not attracted to someone because they don't give us that little feeling. When I personally like someone, I always get this little feeling inside when I first meet them, they just kinda stand out to me... probably because I find them attractive. Now that I'm typing it out, I think my interest is piqued when I first lay eyes on them, which establishes a physical attraction but I never actually acquire feelings for a person until I know what their personality is like. So I can think someone is hot or attractive but for me to look at them as a romantic interest, I have to know what they're like. Once I do, I start getting feelings. It's always been like this, leading me to believe I might be demiromantic in some way.

With that being said, I think you shouldn't limit yourself to a certain amount of dates with a person before you call it off because you don't feel attracted to them. Treat each situation individually and once you know for certain you don't like that person, whether it be by the 2nd date or the 5th, tell them how you feel and that's that. But maybe you should make sure you like them in some way before you agree to go on a date in the first place, if you can.

 

Generally if i don't feel attracted to someone on the first date i don't pursue them though happy to have them as a friend.

 

I like this approach. Thanks for sharing.

OP: The pattern for me has generally been the initial physical attraction. From then, if we can keep a conversation on just about anything, he makes me laugh, and we have similar shared interests/values, then a second date is a go for me. Lately I’ve also realized that if we can have deep convos later on (such as a few dates later, and talk about what we value in life, etc), then I could definitely see it going somewhere. All that’s left to figure out is the sexual chemistry, and lately that’s also been something I’ve discovered recently as I have a high sex drive.

 

Oh man. I have such a hard time putting this into words but I'm gonna try to explain the way I tried to explain to my friends that I was attracted to girls. I'm physically attracted to a lot of different people, men and women. But only a few people I've known have really caught my attention and maintained it. I wish there was a less childish word than "crush" but basically this is how it goes when I'm into someone.

There's a pattern that the person is always someone who starts out as an acquaintance who is really nice to me. I usually don't get feelings for close friends or strangers, it's in between (until recently I've kinda started to like a close friend haha). It's usually someone who I've been around on a pretty consistent basis. For example a coworker, teammate, classmate, etc. So it's a person I do know well enough to know that they're nice, but we're not in each others circle of close friends. It's like a challenge - can I get on their radar? can I get closer? kind of a thing. It's always a few weeks minimum of getting to know the person before I get feelings, never at first sight or even within one evening.

I'll always notice it starting to happen and I'm like "oh crap" but I just gotta resign myself to catching feelings. I realize some of this is gonna be rather embarrassing but that's what online forums are for lol. I usually get kind of obsessed with the person. I'm gonna use female pronouns because this has mostly only happened to me with girls/women. I'll look up her social media and anything I can find about her on there. I'll get all excited about times I get to spend being around her even it would be something otherwise not fun, like work. I can physically feel "butterflies", my heart beat faster and I'll get all hot and flushed if I know there's a possibility of running into her somewhere I'm going. I can't get her out of my head. Every song I hear I'll think of her. Every time my phone lights up I hope it's her.

This has definitely gotten out of hand for me more often than not. I usually end up putting the person on a pedestal and thinking she can do no wrong. Then I'll get annoyed if she doesn't give me as much attention as I want (which is a lot). I'll kind of lose sight of the fact that just because I'm thinking about this person all the time does not mean she's thinking about me. Because in my head, she's the object of my affection and attention, but in her head I'm an acquaintance or casual friend. So she WON'T ask me to hang out I'll be angry, like "why doesn't she care about me? That b****" And I know it's unreasonable but I can't help it.

Rereading this..it kind of looks like I'm crazy or that this is TMI Sorry it's so long. I guess my point is, there's always a predictable sequence of events when I'm really attracted to someone. It's deeper than just "this person is hot". It's like a whole state of mind for me. There's everyone else, and then there's the person I'm attracted to. There's a very obvious distinction to me between people I sort of think are cute vs. when someone gets to that point where she's occupying a LOT of my thoughts, attention, and energy.

 

@lookingup9 are you a scorpio? sounds like me as well, though..lol

 

Nope I'm not haha but I am glad to know my craziness resonates with someone. I feel like I should emphasize that I have the unreasonable side of being attracted to someone more under control now than when I was an angsty, closeted high school student. Now I'm at least a little more mature, I'm usually able to step back and realize that my expectations for that person are unrealistic and I shouldn't be annoyed at her if she doesn't seem to pay me enough attention haha.

 

You honestly could not have put it into better words. I gave myself a shot at explaining it but this pretty much sums it ALL up for me. I relate 100% @lookingup9

 

Glad someone can relate! That’s why I love this forum. Every time I start to feel attracted to someone, it’s a mix of dread and excitement. In high school it was frustrating a lot because I was so far in denial and ashamed of liking girls. Even still it was always kind of fun too, I would love it when the person would give me attention.

My favorite way of getting people I like to notice me has always been humor. I can be pretty funny and there’s nothing on earth I love more than seeing the person I like laughing really hard at something I said.

 

This is what I am experiencing right now It's hard....