Ok, I have been struggling with this for a little while, but what do you all think that gender is? I know that it's not what we are assigned at birth. I know that it's not what our bodies look like. I know that it's not what clothes we like to wear. I know that it's not how we express ourselves. I know a lot of things that gender is not, but I'm having trouble thinking of what it actually is. I am AFAB, and sometimes I feel female, but that's mostly when gendered political issues come up, like the gender pay gap, or pro-choice things. But outside of these situations I don't often "feel" female, but I don't know what I do feel like. I don't feel like a man, and I only feel female when I'm facing discrimination in some way for being perceived as female. But I don't feel like gender is how you are discriminated against, because that would be a rather odd way to define it, and then in a perfect society gender wouldn't exist at all if it was just by those standards. If anyone has some ideas they'd like to share about what gender feels like to them, please let me know. I've been stumped with this for a few months now.
Gender doesn't feel like, gender just is. It's where you fall in the male-female dichtomy and how you feel about it. If you are not at either end of the spetrum, then it's a rather a queustion of how to describe who you are best and which elements of gender fit you in which way. But I think it's important to point out also the intuitive element of gender which you just "feel" in a way... it's at the core of who you are, not what you do or learnt or think about yourself, it's inborn as opposed to learn and this is the difference between gender identity and expression, expression is on the outside, it can be a result of our surroundings and will, as well as our authentic selves, but gender identity is the authentic self. If I managed to put it into words right.
You did describe it well, thank you. I'm just trying to figure out my gender. I'm thinking maybe genderfluid, going between agender, something close to female but not quite, and a different gender entirely. Figuring out gender is just so much more difficult than sexuality! I find women attractive and want to have a romantic/sexual relationship with a woman. I have hard proof for that kinda stuff! I know that I get all nervous when that cute young woman who works in the produce department talks to me; I can prove stuff with my sexuality. But with gender it is all so much more complicated. There isn't much stuff I can point to and say "Hey, this set of experiences identifies and validates my gender!" Just taking it one day at a time I guess... I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually.
For me (cis-woman) gender is a social construct, a bunch of stereotypes aimed at differentiating "girls" from "boys", for me when people think about gender they think about the stereotypes " women do things like this/ men do things like that", when men and women are individuals and that's why you see many people claiming " I am a man BUT I cook" (like it's an achievement) or "I am a woman BUT know how to change a tyre" (like it's incredible), it's just ridiculous, most people fit in the middle of this spectrum they do stuff that belong to the stereotypes of both genders simply because gender itself is a stupid concept that should have never existed in the first place (hence why terms to describe little girls as "tomboys" piss me off). I identify as a woman, not because I fit any of the women's stereotypes or agree with them but because I don't experience dysphoria.
I think that if someone is mentally in the middle and has a bio sex they are okay with, they don't have this mind boggling experience that I had, for example. By mind boggling experience, I mean having an obvious mismatch, you just don't know who or what younare any more. But then someone like me who would rather have a different body has another different experience. And someone who is androgynous on the inside and would rather have a different body also has a different experience,
Gender is hugely complex, and I think it's because we're lumping a lot of related, but still ultimately disparate, things all together under one name. In addition to the myriad social and cultural aspects that we've created throughout time, I think there are two main components. There's the the physical human body aspect. Obviously I don't mean this in the overly-simplistic way of the conservative right (ie, penis=male), but rather to incorporate the entire body, including your mind and your mind's expectations and needs about how your body works. This is where the physical dysphoria of the trans experience (or, to use the increasingly defunct language, the transsexual experience) comes from; your mind expecting the rest of your body to exist in a certain gendered way, and the body actually existing in a different gendered way. The other aspect is more spiritual for me. Even as an atheist with more Wiccan tendencies than any other organized religion, it's difficult for me to explain without relying on overly-Christian-sounding words like soul. But it's more about how a person's essence aligns with the rest of the energies of the universe. This is more where trans or gender diverse experiences come from that aren't accompanied by physical dysphoria. These two aspects being separate phenomena is how we get so many variations in gender! It's how a woman can be masculine but still be cisgender if the latter aspect is masc, but her body is still in alignment with her brain's expectations. Or how a transsexual man can be extremely feminine if his brain expects a male body, but his essence is still of the feminine. Etc etc and everything in between.
I think that's the best description I ever heard. Maybe you could go convince everyone in DC of this. But in all seriousness, thank you so much. Gender is something that's been bugging me for a while, I think it's because I'm pretty sure I'm genderfluid, so there are times when I definitely don't feel fine as cis, but then there are other times when I do feel fine and then try to convince myself that I am totally 100% cis, which I'm not, so it causes problems down the line. I also really agree with how you talked about the physical aspect, and how a person's psyche is included. I think that's the way it is and should be perceived, but a lot of people don't seem to see this stuff this way. Thank you again for your reply.
