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Depression is killing me

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by LonelyEyesMark, Oct 14, 2018.

  1. LonelyEyesMark

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    I feel both mentally and physically ill. I've suffered from depression since I was 17 and it has ruined my life in so many ways. I am constantly ruminating on my past, I feel like my dreams can't come true, and I feel lost in this world. I don't even know who I am anymore. I just go through each day alone and I never find a solution to my suffering. :frowning2:
     
  2. LonelyEyesMark

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    Why was I even born? I used to dream about becoming an artist of some sort, a musician, and having a family but the universe denied me those things. Why was I given the desires but was denied the chances to a achieve them? :frowning2:
     
  3. Destin

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    You can still have all of those things man (art and music probably as a hobby not a career, but still a great thing to enjoy). If I remember right from your other posts you're only like 30. You've got 50 or more years left to do all of those things. Tons of people don't start a family until they're almost 40. My dad was over 40 when I was born, and I was his first child. You have lots of time to start a family, don't lose hope.
     
  4. LonelyEyesMark

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    I am indeed 30 but I feel like half of my life is over. Even before I became depressed, my mind has always thought in extremes so could it be both the depression and Aspergers teaming up on me? I hope that is the case.

    I do have a good therapist and she told me that the fears I have are just "stories", not who I really am. I just don't know what to do with myself. I want to feel like I am moving in the direction of getting a girlfriend.
     
  5. LonelyEyesMark

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    "You need to work on yourself!"

    This is something I am commonly told by others when I mention my struggles in establishing a relationship. Even those who tell me there's nothing wrong with me tell me to work on myself. I honestly don't know how to go about this or even if it's possible for me. I have been in a routine for most of my life and I am usually drained by the stress I go through to the point I pretty much collapse under the pressure I feel. I am 30 now so if I couldn't achieve social skills and my goals in my developmental years, how can I ever at all when I've missed out on so many milestones?
     
  6. MzMrAlexa

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    In reading your posts you are saying how you feel but not why... Are there specific reasons? If you've struggled with depression since 17 what changed at that point in time?... Ten years is a long time to carry negativity, and with what you have written in this thread there really isn't much here that anyone can offer any solutions to other than say "I'm sorry".

    I'm no psychologist (not that I have that much faith in them for the most part), but I will share a couple of thoughts on long term depression that may or may not help. If it's not chemical in nature I don't think that anyone can really help you, only give you ideas as you have to help yourself.. All that anyone can do is give you Ideas of things that you can act on, just like most other things in life. Since you're talking long term depression it is highly doubtful that it is your present situation or external forces that are keeping you depressed. I'm currently very depressed myself as I've been hit with multiple life changing and traumatic events one right after another for the last six months that won't be going away anytime soon, so I understand the feeling, but I understand that all of these will at some point pass, and when they do it will be up to me to decide where I go from that point forward.

    I guess the point I am trying to make is that depression can be from things / forces that are affecting you at this moment in time, or things that have happened in the past that you have not reconciled or let go of. And sometimes we all get into a "feedback loop" where we look at something negative that happened in the past and bring back those feelings then allow those feelings to taint all of the positive things that are going on in the present adding more fuel to the fire so to speak. There are always multiple ways to look at everything, and we all have to choose how we percieve the world around us on a continuous basis. Could it be that this is what is going on? ...

    A number of years ago when I was struggling and pretty much overwhelmed as a single parent with small kids working rotating shift work during our fall outage when I pretty much had to go 1-2 months working pretty much full time 12 hr shifts a deer ran out in front of my vehicle just as the outage was starting ... So on top of everything else I now have vehicle issues, rental car, deductables and I got mad... "Why Me?" and felt sorry for myself. .... Then the next fall at the same time I had a lady side swipe me .... Same feelings, more expensive two years in a row! I was beside myself "You've got to be Kidding me!... Not again!" .... Then on the 3rd year, Same time Same situation another deer and another wreck... So I pulled off the side of the road and started Laughing uncontrollably! ... Because at that moment in time despite the fact I was in the same situation that I was in at the same time for the third year in row It dawned on me how totally absurd the situation was and the odds of this happening pretty much the same week of the year three years in a row, and the only thing that changed on that day was that I chose to look at it differently. Since that time I've never hit another deer yet, and have yet to have a repeat. On that day or soon thereafter I chose to change my general life philosophy to "There is no such thing as Adversity.. Only Lessons" and understand that If I don't learn the lesson then it will be presented to me again though not necessarily in the exact same fashion. Learning that helped me a lot over the years, and with all that is going on in my life at the moment I've found that I'm working to understand the lesson(s) again, and in a way by my writing this to perhaps help you I am also helping myself to not be overcome by the present.

    I want to share one other thing which was an epiphany that presented itself to me up close and personal a couple of years ago that I have shared numerous times with others pertaining to holding on to past events and circumstances that may help you to let go of them if you have any (hint- most of us do).

    Picture the event, or circumstance or situation that is causing you pain. Don't relive the emotions, but instead picture it as a thing... an Object in Space and Time on the Earth right where it / they happened. Now picture the Earth rotating around the Sun.. in our Solar System... and picture our Solar System and Galaxy floating through space at somewhere around a million miles an hour (many numbers here, but we are traveling through space at an amazing rate)... So Literally all of the things that we hang on to from the past and give our energy to in effect making them a "Thing" are Billions of miles away in Space and Time... And so long as we hang on to them and allow them to affect us we in effect have tied a rope from them to ourselves that is pulling and dragging on us, holding us back and preventing us from being in the present. Picture this Scene in your mind. The events or trauma isn't living- It is a "Thing" in Space and Time. Look at it from the outside and Picture yourself taking a knife or pair of scissors cutting that rope and allowing it to drift off and away from you.

    Repeat this process as often as necessary to help you let go of the things from the past that are keeping you from enjoying the present, and it really doesn't matter what that thing or things are. There are many ways to let go of things, this is just one that has helped me.

    I hope maybe some of this is helpful and I hope you feel better soon!
     
    #6 MzMrAlexa, Oct 21, 2018
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2018
    GreenRun likes this.
  7. regkmc

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    Don’t worry about a girlfriend right now.....is there one thing you are good at and enjoy? Do that, do it a little more, do it a little better, maybe even try to be the best at it. That’s enough for now.
     
  8. LonelyEyesMark

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    I struggle with the things I wish I was good at. I have a guitar but I just can't get songs under my fingers properly and guitar techniques like solos or even pinch harmonics I can't pull off. If a song doesn't have a simple rhythm I can follow, I feel like I suck and can't learn it. I feel like I should be playing much better since I am 30 and have had a guitar since 2002.

    I sometimes fear my neural patterns can't change since I have Aspergers and I failed to achieve certain milestones in my developmental years.
     
  9. regkmc

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    Eh, just get good at some easy songs. I’d be impressed.
     
  10. LonelyEyesMark

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    I've come to hate the weekends. Everyone else is out having fun while I am alone. I will say I don't like the redneck sports bars and dive bars around here but I wish there were alternative hangouts such as for rock music or something; I would atleast feel like there is somewhere I can go and be authentic.
     
  11. Destin

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    Dude you're like less than an hour away from Austin, the city literally famous for music. Just drive to Austin and hang out there for as long as you want.
     
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  12. LonelyEyesMark

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    It's a full hour and maybe a little more depending on the traffic. I am also struggling financially these days.