Questioning- Repressed or changing of sexuality?

Hi all,

Just wanted to say awesome site with awesome people before I start. I would really appreciate your help!

I have recently came out to my girlfriend of 4 years as questioning. I'm not entirely sure if I'm gay or bi but I do know that I need counselling and help because keeping my struggle from people was killing me.

I have crossdressed from a young age and this has been my main fixation really. I got counselling for this and basically realised that it was mostly sexual in nature. I did think that I was trans for some time but I identify as gender fluid. I also explored my sexuality tried kissing two men but I didn't really like it at the time. I met a great woman who I didn't mention this too as I was a bit embarrassed and ashamed to have talked about it. I've kept this from her because I just thought that I was straight with a kink really

Anyway I've been dating this amazing girl for about 4 years and initially there was attraction but it has waned in recent years. About a year ago she mentioned that she would like to get married and I immediately felt uncomfortable and wasn't able to articulate to myself why. I began to think about telling her about my crossdressing but I could not tell her. I began to realise that I was afraid that she would ask if I was gay and I was not sure, I didn't want to lie. I ruminated on times that I had ignored fleeting attractions to men over and over in my head. I seriously questioned my future with her but internalised this over about a year. I also began to experiment with gay porn but I still preferred fantasising about dressing or errotic literature involving gender transformation.

I recently bought a virtual reality headset. I originally played games on it but I realised that there were adult uses too. I found a game where you can basically control a naked woman's body and look into a mirror. This is a very exciting premise as a cross dresser and somewhat hairy male! Anyway, I continued to play this game and there are also male models and started to explore sexually with them. I have had fantasies about having sex as a woman so I thought this would be good to explore. I started to really enjoy this and fantasise about men and I bought a dildo to use with the game... I really liked that too. I changed my body to a man's to see if there would be a difference but I still liked touching the men's bodies in game. This thinking has continued into my life around real men and it has made me very anxious that I was living a lie.

It came to breaking point recently when I had to resign our lease. I felt so guilty about not telling her and everything just came out. I told her that I am unsure of my sexuality and that I would like to get counselling and continue our relationship. She has been very supportive and is currently helping me organise this counselling. I initially felt much happier upon telling her and the idea of being in a honest supportive relationship and identifying as bi is quite appealing- I love her a lot! Things have not been the same and I think me subconscious might be opening up to the idea that I'm attracted to men. I'm not sure what to do but I had a dream afterwards that involved me almost leaving her for a man. I also had my first dream last night about having sex with a man... this has never happened before. Not sure what I am but I think my sexuality has changed...

I just want to know your experiences- has your sexuality changed over time? Or do you think that what I am encountering is repression of my desires?

Questions or comments about me are fine and will probably help me too =)