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Questioning my gender. Help?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by lucality, Oct 13, 2018.

  1. lucality

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 13, 2018
    Messages:
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    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Hi!

    ( before you start, I am a teenager and live with my parents )

    I'm not entirely sure how to start this to be honest. I am AFAB and have for the most part identified as cisgender up until about two years ago, when things started becoming a little complicated.

    I have always somewhat felt that something was a little off in my life, like I wasn't really the one driving, but instead I was just watching the show. Like I was on autopilot and there was some set path that I couldn't change. I feel that there's always been a sort of misalignment between my brain and my body, like they weirdly don't fit together.

    Ever since I was little, I've always wanted to be one of the guys and to just fit in with them. I've never been super girly, but I'm not really macho either. I'm just me. I'm not into makeup, I absolutely hate dresses, and if I could, I would chop all my hair off.

    I know you're probably thinking I'm just a tomboy, and yeah, I did too! Up until I started fantasizing about being a guy. It seemed so much more real than being a girl. Like it was actually me. This has only started fairly recently. It's becoming somewhat of an obsession. My way to escape reality.

    To get to the point here, I want to know if what I am experiencing is dysphoria right now. Let me list things off.

    - I told one of my close friends I was questioning and that I wanted him to use male pronouns and to call me Lucas for now. He has completely ignored this and every time he calls me by my actual name is really hurts me. I feel like something is being crushed inside of me.

    - I am extremely jealous of FTMs. I want to be them.

    - I can only see myself in the future as being a man, not a woman.

    - I hate my body and I'm quite frankly disgusted by my chest. Sometimes it's a mild discomfort and other time I can't even look down because I am so repulsed.

    - Everytime I think about being a guy, I become extremely excited and happy, but then I feel very sad and hopeless afterwards because that is not my reality.

    - Sometimes I just feel VERY male, if that makes sense. Like I just get hit with masculine vibes, if that makes sense. For example, I could be dancing and suddenly I feel very strongly male.

    - I want to be handsome, not pretty.

    Although there are some things that are convincing me otherwise, and that this is just a weird period or I'm mistaken:

    - This has come on really fast. I know I said it has been two years at the start, but it's only become a serious problem in the last 3 months

    - I was always comfortable as a female before. I was even excited for puberty.

    - I keep telling myself this is absurd because in the last year that I had a boyfriend, I want actually acted MORE feminine than I ever had before.

    Let's continue onto an obvious problem I have here. I have read one too many times that if I am seriously questioning my gender, I am probably not cisgender. And sure! That's fine! Except my parents are transphobic. I have been doing more typical male things lately, wearing gender neutral clothes, using men's deodorant etc. just to make me feel better. My mom saw me do this and she said "Oh what? Now you want to be a boy?" In a very accusatory tone, almost like she was disgusted. She also says that LGBTQ people are inappropriate. One time she told me that if I ever came out as a lesbian, she would kick me out of the house.

    Questions:

    Anyways, assuming that I am not cisgender, what should my next step be?

    Where can I buy more masculine items that my Mom won't get all uncomfortable and disgusted by?

    How do I survive the coming years in this body that I am uncomfortable with?

    Is there any chance of seeing a therapist?

    How do I get my one friend to stop calling me by female pronouns? Be reminded that I have told him MULTIPLE times that I am testing the waters to see if I like male pronouns.

    Why does it feel like all my feelings have gotten worse ever since I started questioning?

    Anyways, if you read through this entire post, thank you. I appreciate it.
     
  2. i am just me

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2016
    Messages:
    204
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    Location:
    Earth
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi Lucas,
    (do you want to be called like that on here? If you don't please say so and I'll change).

    There isn't one path or a fixed set of steps you have to do if you're not cis. It all depends on what makes you feel comfortable and happy. Seeing a therapist might be a good idea if you feel like you need someone to talk things through with and feel confused about your gender. As I don't live in Canada, I don't know what the usual path to getting a gender therapist is, but I'm sure other people can help you with that.

    About masculine items: That depends on how much your mom respects your privacy and the personal opinions of your mom. If you do your laundry yourself, you could e.g. buy some underwear from the men's section. Or you could start with androgynous clothing items that your mom does not view as "men only" and that you regard as masculine at the same time.

    Regarding the friend you mentioned: Have you told him how it makes you feel if he calls you by female pronouns and the wrong name? If you have told him multiple times, he just might not be the best person to test the waters with. Are there any other people who you think might be supportive and that you can try different pronouns with? You could also do that online (e.g. in the "test your name/pronouns thread").

    Once you start to conciously realize that you're not cis, it's possible that your feelings get worse in the beginning. I think it stems from suppressing so much beforehand and then realizing that all these feelings are there. I think you're on a good path to dealing with that by trying out a different name and pronouns and experimenting with small things regarding gender expression.

    Assuming you still live with your parents: Do you want to move out, once you'll be able to? How long do you think that will be? Once you have your own space, you'll probably have much more freedom to experiment with gender expression.

    If you have any further questions or need to talk, feel free to talk to me :slight_smile: