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only attracted to people in abstraction?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by tystnad, Oct 9, 2018.

  1. tystnad

    tystnad Guest

    Okay, I'm not completely sure how to explain this so bear with me. I seem to be able to only acknowledge my attraction to people when they're not actually there. Like, there is a girl who definitely gives me butterflies when I think about her, I take any chance I can get to hang out with her, I love to be around her and I would love to be with her. However, these feelings mostly exist when I think about her, and not when I'm actually around her. It's like the second I'm actually around her I lock away all those feelings and jump into friend mode instead, not just to the outside world but also to myself.

    I think it very much has to do with a combination of my social anxiety, my fear of intimacy and getting too close to people, and my ongoing process of accepting my sexuality... but it's something I don't really know how to cope with. I feel like when I'm actually around people (even people I'm out to) I start repressing so hard that I can even fool myself into believing I'm aro/ace, and I don't know how to get past that. I've made a lot of progress in figuring out my sexuality but this just sends me spiralling all over again, making me worry if maybe I'm making it all up in my head and that's why I can feel attracted to people in my head but not actually when I'm around them irl (even though I know that's probably not the case).

    I'm not expecting anyone here to have a magic solution to this and I suppose it's a process, but I guess I'm maybe just wondering if it's something someone can relate to, and what helped you open up to these things more? I know therapy is a good option but right now that still feels like too big a step for me because I just moved somewhere new where I need to figure out the health care system all over again and that causes me a lot of anxiety in itself, so I need to tackle that first before I can even think about finding a therapist.

    Any thoughts/tips/shared experiences/whatever?
     
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  2. Mihael

    Full Member

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    Therapy helps open up, so if you already managed to, therapy will be less needed if at all. I didn't know I wasn't straight before going to therapy, because I never let myself feel what I feel, probably. Or maybe I was just too young and fragile to face others' opinions. Not only in that aspect.
     
  3. Leah061

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    I wish I had the answer to this situation! I just wanted to say this is almost exactly how I felt about the last girl I had a crush on. Even though I was always glad to be near her, I would get nervous around her, and of course it isn't easy embracing all of these gay feelings when they're still new.

    And I'm not really out, but the other gay people in my life pretty much know that I'm not straight, and I think they know that I know that they know. So I don't consider myself "officially" out to them, but I know what you mean about feeling like you're faking your sexuality around people who you're out to (in some way or another). I mean, I still feel like I'm faking it at any given point in the day, but I especially feel that way around people who know, and even more so when I'm around "the real" gay people.

    What I noticed was an issue for me, and may be for you as well, was that I was idealizing the girl I liked in my head. I actually think that was one of the ways I convinced myself that I was straight for so long, because as long as someone is perfect in your head, you can tell yourself that you like them in real life. I mean, obviously my girl crushes have always been stronger, and I've always felt more for them in real life than I did on my guy "crushes". But like you said, it may also be that you're continuing to struggle with accepting yourself. I think if you're able to find a therapist, that would be a good idea, but again like you said, it really is a process.
     
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  4. notaprincess06

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    Oh I can totally relate, I feel the same around people I find attractive and I'm certain it has to do with anxiety, low self esteem/low confidence and fear of intimacy, it's like you become repressed to sort of protect yourself. In my case this happens also because deep down I'm insecure and have low self esteem and it's like my brain just "thinks" that just finding that person attractive is somehow shameful and would be unwanted by that person because I'm not attractive or good enough to even look at them. That last part is not something I actively think in the moment but it is something I've realized I'm subconsciously conditioned to feel because I've never had anyone positively regard me as a valid sexual being who could be a romantic partner, so even though I know I'm valid, at the same time the only messages I've received from others are that in their eyes I'm not. That, along with inexperience and a fear of getting hurt, makes me unable to access my attraction towards someone when I'm around them or interact with them, let alone send any messages or vibes.
    With men it comes purely from inexperience and lack of any positive experiences, being permanently told I'm not good enough cause I'm not feminine or cause I was overweight or usually both, always overlooked and treated as if I didn't exist as a sexual being for them. So basically automatically my brain gives it zero chances that a man I fancy will find me attractive and everyone is outside my "league".
    With women though, it's also that but not as much and instead what makes it worse is knowing that it's unlikely they're lesbian or bisexual so it's unlikely they'd be attracted to a woman in the first place so I really don't want to create any awkwardness.
    In my experience with other types of social interaction and my repression when it comes to them, what always worked for me was when I got some positive vibes from others, when I sense a friendly behavior towards me, someone acts nicely and warmly, I open up fairly quickly so I think experience is the key. That and ofc trying to pinpoint what are the most likely culprits, what causes the way you feel(or don't feel) in those situations.
     
  5. tystnad

    tystnad Guest

    thanks for your replies! i'm glad i'm at least not the only one going through this. it's one of those things that really contributes to the feeling of being a fraud so much. like, if i have to allow myself to feel something for girls when i'm near them, am i not really just trying to convince myself i should like them? i know that's not true but it's a thought that sometimes is really hard to shake off. i thought originally that a lot of this had to do with me just not allowing myself to look at girls in case they were straight and i hate it when straight guys are into me, so i didn't want to make any straight girls feel that way by being into them. but lately i've been surrounding myself by a lot of queer people and it turns out i still manage to repress it all big time. kind of like my brain is friendzoning itself, ugh!
     
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