Any other men

I question whether it's possible for two gay guys to even be normal friends honestly. Like you said it goes from 'hi nice to meet you' to 'so when can we have sex' in less than a week usually.

 

Uhh I don't even have any. But still if i do have a gay friend. Probably just gonna fall for him... Yaknow... I mean is hard for me. I haven't found any decent friends at all. Not sure why but all my current friends just treat me like shit mostly.

 

Well, it's definitely possible. Most gay guys I know have larger, stronger friend groups than the average person does, and most of them have a large contingent of other gay men in that friend group--I think I would go so far as to say that for most of them the majority of their really close friends are other gay men. I think when you don't really know the dynamic it can seem like gay men sleep with their friends--I know in my main friend group there are several pairings that have been together. But in my experience, and in my friend group, the truth is less that gay men sleep with their friends (this in my experience is exceedingly rare) but that gay men befriend those they have slept with (this is really common, whether it's exes from a long term relationship or that guy you hooked up with from the gym that turned out to be really cool).

I think part of the problem is being closeted or uncomfortable and/or encountering guys in that same boat. The fact of the matter is that real friendship requires letting people in in a way that sex doesn't necessarily and if you're looking for that feeling of intimacy without really letting someone into your heart or life, sex is probably the way to go. If you are meeting other gay guys in a way that caters to or is filled with people in that situation it seems to me logical that most of them would be interested in sex--I mean what are they going to do instead, introduce you to their wife?

The other thing it seems to me is that you may need to meet gay guys who actually know other gay guys. I can kind of see why people who are single and only encounter another gay guy once in a blue moon go right to relationship in their thoughts. On the other hand, where I live you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a gay guy. Even back in my twenties I couldn't have slept with all the gay guys I encountered on a daily basis--so even being horned up the way I was in my twenties my mind just didn't go there (well, not all the time, and certainly not with my friends... ewww). Also knowing other gay guys who know gay guys will lend itself to meeting people in less sexualized environments. I have a few friends who occasionally use the apps and they use them to order up sex the way you might Thai food. That's what they are there for in that moment. They're not sex-crazed, they don't lack for real friends, it's just that's what they came for. Someone trying to befriend them in that moment isn't going to work--it's like if the local Thai place started selling pizza. You're not going to order it, not because you don't like pizza, but because you came for Thai food.

 

Great advice on how to find platonic friends so far!

For me, I have probably slept with most of all my platonic friends. We usually become friends and at one point end up messing around because why not? We are all really good at communicating and taking care of each other, so we have been able to maintain our friendships without much trouble even after sleeping with each other.

I find it weird that we as a society have decided that we can't have sex with our friends and that it should only be kept for romantic relationships. Its a weird line to draw in the sand for me and most of my friends.

Yep, I see this all the time.

Gay guys who join a meetup group or any other LGBT group who are seeking a relationship and nothing else. They try to get attached to any gay guy who they have some chemistry with. This is why having open and direct communication comes in handy. You have to tell people exactly what you want.

In Orlando, there are MANY groups for LGBT guys who enjoy just staying in. I was part of a DnD group not too long ago and it was a lot of fun. Stopped going because turns out I don't enjoy the game that much, but there are so many options. Gotta look for them on facebook and meetups.

 

A longtime friend (one of my best friends actually) is gay, and we were friends before I even came out to him as bisexual. We have never done anything sexual together, and we view each other like brothers.

Most of the other gay guys I know, I never really get a vibe of "wanting something more" from them. Although, I'm not widley out (only like 6 people know) so maybe that has somethi g to do with it.

 

I am slowly in the process of making a new circle of friends having recently settled in my new hometown. It’s been quite a bit of trial and error. My “developing” friendships cross a full spectrum of ages and backgrounds. I am not yet sure which ones will make it past the “developing” friends stage and into my “real friends” circle. I am not in need of a large social circle, I am quite comfortable with a small (two or three) group of close friends.

I have been meeting people everywhere from dating apps (although being clear I am looking for friends rather than sex), social clubs (currently involved with a cinema club where I am meeting people, but previously was involved with an LGBT sport league and dining club), LGBT charities (the social events put on by the charities seem to be a good way to meet people) and finally I am even meeting people at the school I am attending while I am studying a new profession as my second career act.

I will be open and say that some of my “developing” friends have come from my historical use of hookup apps where we did have sex but later agreed to just be friends; but that is not the avenue I am taking now for meeting new people. I have found friends where sex was involved add unnecessary complexity and drama, which I am actively trying to avoid at this stage of my life.

Not being out would certainly make it more difficult. And it would seem there are many non-out guys on apps that maybe you can try and befriend - just be clear in your profile as to what your looking for to avoid confusion or misaligned expectations.

 

I have one gay friend that I’m friendly with, but I actually had a small crush on him (met him through a mutual friend). Got to know him a little more and found out what his type was (which obviously wasn’t me).

Took me a while to get to a point where I still found him attractive but it wasn’t as intense. I’ve more so accepted that he’s cute and all but that’s about it.

Other than that, I don’t have many gay friends. If I’m friends with a gay guy it’s bechase I find them attractive and want something out of it (sex and/or relationship).

 

Have you tried your local LGBT community. I'm only recently out and I've made 3 friends from two meet ups. Like you I'm looking for friendships in the LGBT community before dating.
I've decided to attend these groups for 4 months and then if no relationship grows from my new friends, I will still attend. But go on a dating app in the new year.

 

I've been close friends with people for 9 to 10 years now. We have only slept or messed around with each other maybe once or twice. So according to you, if I slept with a friend once and then never again they no longer count as platonic friends?

I have been friends with one particular guy for 3 years now. We only messed around for maybe one year of the 3 and now he has a boyfriend so we no longer mess around, but we still hang out maybe once every 3 months? What would you consider that?

I have found that the Oxford Dictionary is a bit useless when trying to define these relationships for me. If you know of a better word I would love to learn more

 

Phew, you legit call people who used to be friend with benefits "Ex-friend with benefits"? That's wild.

If I have a friend of 7 years and we make out at a party. Do I get to call them my ex- friend with benefits right after or how long without any other sexual contact do I have to wait until call them an ex-friend with benefits?

For me personally, calling a friend who I gave a blow job to once "ex-friend with benefits" doesn't convey what he means to me. It also doesn't feel true to what actually happened. it also doesn't do justice to what our relationship will continue to mean to us in the future.

Feels so strange define my relationship with a person on what we did one time and not on what we will mean to each other in the years to come. I find it weird that you define your relationships that way.

Literally that is how language works. It evolves and changes as the need presents itself.

The Oxford Dictionary changes the definitions of words as the culture changes with it.

We create new words, we change their meaning, we play with it all and the dictionary tries to catch up.

Words that have recently been created out of thing air and later added to the dictionary:

Bling (n): Expensive, ostentatious clothing and jewelry.
Bromance (n): A close but non-sexual relationship between two men.
Chillax (v): Calm down and relax.
Crunk (adj): Very excited or full of energy.
Sexting (n): The sending of sexually explicit photographs or messages via mobile phone.

Just few examples of recent words now in the dictionary.

If enough people start using that definition, then yes the meaning changes and the dictionary gets updated. That's how it has always worked and will continue to work.

 

Also, what?

If you don't agree that you can have sex with platonic friends once and then continue have a platonic relationship after then say so and argue that, but don't use the dictionary to try and correct me? Such a weird aspect from my whole post to nick pick at.

 

This. Also, I would categorize them as just friends now (excluding the word ‘platonic’ and it’s implied meaning completely). If we were talking about definitions being able to have different meanings, then there would be no need for new terminology as mentioned earlier. Consistency isn’t a bad quality.

 

Filtering out good friends, from people that treat you as an option is not always easy. Doing so without utilizing sex as a common denominator is even more difficult, but possible.

 

Okay, so this thread has made me really understand just how differently people see friendships. Really interesting.

We had a conversation about it with my friends last night. Some who I have messed around with and some who I haven't. It was such a great conversation. I need to look to see if theres any research on this topic.

So apparently, platonic friendships only apply to people who could potentially have sexual chemistry, but don't. So two straight guys couldn't be platonic friends, just friends since there was never a possibility of sexual chemistry? Same with a gay guy and a straight girl. Does that sound right to you all? Or can any friend be considered platonic regardless of possibility of sexual chemistry?

On top of that, it seems like people separate friend-with- benefits (FWB) and platonic friendships (PF) at the ends of a binary with very view room for a spectrum of friendships.. A lot of people view the combination of the two types of friendships as the ultimate dating scenario and most people try to keep both types of relationships separate because of that reason, which I think leads to my own confusion of how I personally view friendships.

Not sure where "just friends" ends up. It seems if someone is a friend, but not considered a PF it means they aren't as close as friends. PF seems to imply longevity and intense emotionally connection with a person and not just lack of sexual chemistry. How do you guys see the difference of "friend" and "platonic friendship".

I was also talking to some of the friends who we have messed around with. They personally considered our relationship platonic since we both know we won't be sexual with each other every again so it seemed silly to us all to have a relationship defined by one action. One friend was of the believe that he doesn't have any platonic friendships because he is pan and he literally would have sex with any one of us if we wanted, so there is that lol

This is all based on a group of 10 of us that go together last night for a game night

Super interested to hear people's thoughts about it all. Or none at all since this went on a tangent and might be hard to figure out my thought process for it all.