I can't see my situation ever changing...

Yes, I move forward a bit and then I get stuck. My biggest movements seem to come right in the middle of feeling the most stuck. I take a jump. Then I get scared and am paralyzed for a bit. It’s hard and scary.

I’m propelled forward by the woman I love, so I think that inspires me to keep pressing ahead, but even with being crazy in love with her, I have moments where I think I could be fine just staying where I am, in my secure, content, sexless marriage, living as friends and coparents for the next 30 years. It would be easy.

But then I remember that I’m really really gay. I still forget sometimes and I question what I’m doing. I wonder if I’m making it all up. But the facts are that I kissed her, I had sex with her, and it felt right. She is a woman. I want to have more sex with her. Oh! yes! Very gay! And though I think I’m probably bi, I want zero sex with my kind, caring husband.

I’ve been on this roller coaster for 9 months or so now and I’m about ready to get off.

 

I was married 16 years, together 20 years, we had good and bad times, the last four years we drifted apart naturally, I lost all motivation to make her happy, she suspected I was not straight and eventually it all came out. I never had a plan. It just happened. I got to a point where I needed to be happy being out, free and able to express who I really am. We are both happier now...
Rade

 

Anything is possible, some plan the future sometimes it just comes to a nattiral end. I did put money aside in case I needed to leave quickly. I just gave up fighting against myself.
I advise people to come out but in their own time and when they are ready. There never is a good time .
I wanted to wait till my kids grew up but I would be 53 by then so 43 was right for me.

 

For me, keeping my feelings in was ultimately making me feel unhappy. I started to feel stressed and anxious over other things. I felt very stuck and so I decided to see a therapist. Through therapy I started to make movement in my marriage by speaking up more and not going through the motions of the marriage if I didn’t feel it emotionally. I think it was going through the motions for our marriage rather than doing things that felt right to me that made me unhappy and feel stuck. I released a lot of stress by being more direct with my husband on other challenges in our relationship (how we communicate, respect each other etc.) Now I just need to be honest and direct with him about my sexuality and I feel it will happen soon. Once that is out in the open between us I think I will feel a huge sense of relief no matter if the journey afterward is tough.

What holds me back is the thought of not being a family together. Even though I am not completely happy with him in our relationship it also makes me sad to think we might not be doing things together as a family and enjoying the fun times in the future. That’s the part that makes me hesitate and go back and forth.

 

Before coming out I felt really ill too, anxious all the time, really grumpy, stressed and just really sad. I couldn't work out what it was, but in the end realised it was my sexuality....

 

I spent most of my life assuming that my bisexuality would just be unfulfilled and a secret. For the most part, I never gave the thought that I might be someday out and someday exploring it any serious consideration. It just wasn't on my radar. I've had a wonderful marriage and a spectacular life. So, I can't complain really. But, things in life can change, situations change, people change. So, you don't really know what the future can hold.

I'm one of those people that works towards goals but also understand that there a lots of different ways to meet the goals and sometimes those goals evolve. My advice would be to be as honest as you can and try and not become frustrated or impatient. Living in the moment has incredible rewards.

 

@LostInDaydreams Are you and your partner both happy with the current relationship of being roommates/friends. If you are both satisfied with the arrangement of not having physical intimacy and you have a good friendship and parent well together then I can see how you might not envision any changes. My situation is different because I am pulling away from being intimate but he still wants that connection. I thought maybe if I had us work on our emotional connection through therapy then I would want to be with him physically. So far I'm not feeling it. Us wanting different things in the relationship is what creates the stress/discomfort for me. I want the friendship and he wants the intimacy.

 

Hey Lostindaydreams, I had to sleep on this because I wasn't really sure what to write. In fact I'm still not sure but wanted to reply with something. I'm familiar with everything that has gone before and I would say you sound in this thread at least depressed, being unable to manage anything other than getting through the day is a sign of depression, and being unhappy in a situation but unable to find the motivation and energy to do anything to change it is also a sign of depression.
I really think you need to reach out for some professional help with this, I know there are fears of being alone and of what will happen almost paralysing you, could you talk to your family about what you are going through so at least you have some support?

 

@LostInDaydreams when I first posted on this board, I remember pushing you to tell him the truth, but I had to remember that you are doing what you think you need to...you are living in your life, not me. I spent close to 15 years after telling her that I was in fact much more gay than I had originally thought, living a situation I thought I would be stuck in until either her or I die. The situation got forced with her continued mental health deterioration. Something drastic had to happen, and unfortunately, maybe that'll be the case with you. I hope not. You say you don't feel compelled to act, and I still don't. But I have come to realize that understanding that I am gay, and embracing it were 2 different things. I'm not hooking up, not out finding a boyfriend, but being able to grasp and express my sexuality has been such a beautiful experience. I suggest you keep going withthe current situation, but always look for the opportunity to change it, you just never know when a window will open. Hugs, kiddo.

 

Your family sound similar to mine. Not all families are willing or able to understand or be emotional supportive. If anything my parents' relationship seems to be in a very bad place since me coming out and us breaking up. Might be just coincidence that they are in such a bad place of course, but being with them makes me feel very sad, lonely and a failure. Hope you can talk to a stable, kind friend at some point as that helped me.

 

That's ok, family don't have to be the answer and they aren't the only option. Do you have any friends you can talk to? Anyone at your daughters nursery or would that just be difficult because they probably know your partner too?
It's great that work is looking up, even if it isn't only a bit, small positive things can make situations look brighter. I guess if you are working more you will have less time in the day but I wonder if there are any support groups in your area that you could attend whilst your partner isn't around in the day?

 

I feel exactly exactly the same way. I could have written your post.

 

I get this too. I also have to pinch myself at times and accept the facts: sexually I love being with my woman, feel more physically comfortable than I ever have done, and don't miss sex with a man. I am uninhibited and active with her whereas I always felt a little shy and inhibited with a man. I really, really like pleasing my woman and getting physically and emotionally close to her, whereas I could only deliver sex with a man. With her I have become a true lover in my heart, body and actions.