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In Need Of Advice Regarding Transition/Approval

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by GhostBoi, Oct 5, 2018.

  1. GhostBoi

    Regular Member

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    Hi everyone.
    I'm a former member from a few years ago, mainly around the time I was coming to the realization that I was trans, around 14/15. This forum was insanely resourceful, beneficial, and I didn't get any bad advice or opinions here so I want to present my current situation, and what some of the more experienced members think I should do, or options other trans individual in similar positions have to say. Even if you haven't been a similar situation and you have a possible route for me or something that, even an idea on how to approach this situation better I would appreciate any input.
    Something I need to mention before I explain everything else is, I had an idea I was trans when I was young, around 7. I cut my hair, dressed as a boy, and I have this early memory from that year where I started at a public school and everyone thought I was a boy, I never corrected them, it went on for days, I was totally cool with it and scared of the idea of them finding out I was a girl. Ultimately my teacher divided the class by gender for an activity, and I was outed. I was heavily bullied along with abuse I was facing at home, so I created this imaginary character that would take over my body and protect me and be what everyone wanted to see. It's something I maintained for years. This is pretty major for where I am now, and I hope no one looks down on me for this since I know personality issues are still questioned when it comes to mental health. I also want to be clear that this character I made as a child had core similarities to who I am, but still is pretty different.

    Alright, so I was on my way to accepting I was trans (FtM) when I left this forum. I never pursued anything, until I was about 18 other than portraying myself as male online, which was my only relief from my dysphoria for years. So 18 rolled around, and I came out to two of my best friends, it went amazing, came out to my mom, that went well. My relationship started to crumble, and I started on T. I was super happy, thing were going well, unfortunately my relationship failed. My mom started getting uncomfortable and told me I needed to leave the house before that so I moved in with the now ex, so I ended up homeless and getting a lot of hateful messages from his friend group, so I had a mental breakdown. One of my best friends took me to the hospital, ultimately I was hospitalized and I lost my job with no ability to fight back since I was ashamed to be inpatient for mental health and did not tell them.
    My mom visited me and told me I could move back in if I stopped. So I did. Started growing my hair back, found a new job and switched out my clothes again.

    Things were...okay for another year. I just repressed how I felt. Over the past year I've been experiencing black out episodes where I lose track of time, feel very dissociated from my body, and personality shifts my close friends have described. The shifts go from this character I've maintained to who I actually am, and have been resulting in suicide attempts. At one point I was in state care for it as I had a psychosis episode while at the ER after police got involved. That was last month.

    As an experiment I decided to portray as male online again with other forums, and sure enough, over the past two weeks my mental health has drastically increased with the thought and plan of transitioning again, and I'm under the impression that this is the direction that I am needing to go in simply to save myself. Staying in this life as a female is obviously horrible for my mental health to a point where internally I truly believe I am better off dead if I do not transition. I hope this is clear enough to the users reading this, if not please ask me to clarify and I will do my best.

    Taking a step back, I know the route for this, therapy, approval from a therapist to receive HRT, consulation with a physician, bloodwork, initial T injection, then obviously the follow up appointments are HRT progresses. Another thing I was to look into is patches over injections, I know it's slower but...until I'm in a better position to come out I don't want to risk becoming homeless again with the other problems I'm going to mention in a second.

    Solution is pretty obvious right now, but here's the problems

    So in my area, we have one transgender HRT physician, and I am horrified he will refuse to start me over, or see me as a transtrender for stopping T almost 3 years ago and just barely coming back. The other problem is I've gone through a lot of therapists here for other things and I didn't work well with them, and the therapist I used the first time I have the same fears for as I do with the physician. So I don't know if I should track down an online therapist to get approval and then have a regular physician fill it and due blood work, or attempt to go back to both of them.
    Medically those are my only concerns.

    Obviously I have more pressing social issues, I just got into a relationship with someone who I have mentioned my gender identity issues to before the relationship really started, but I feel horrible because he obviously will not continue the relationship. Which ultimately is fine because I consider myself a straight male, I'm just kind of doing what's expected and I just feel shitty for the entire situation already. I do have feelings for him, but not the same he has for me, and I'm not sexually attracted to men in general.
    I'm also staying with him right now as we're selling two houses and buying a new one for combine the remainders of my family...who aren't very accepting of LGBTQ+ individuals and are at the core of the housing issues I mentioned prior.

    I'm pretty lost because I already have fears about my future after transition, but I don't even see myself living if I don't transition over the next few years. I'm very conflicted right now, and I guess this is where I'm ultimately turning to.

    Yeah thank you for reading, anything is appreciated so thank you in advanced.
     
  2. denouement

    Regular Member

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    It sounds to me like transition is necessary for your mental health. I would talk to your old therapist and doctor. If they have questions about why you stopped T, explain what you've said here... that you stopped taking T despite knowing you are transgender, due to social pressure/abuse and the threat of being homeless. IMO keeping yourself out of a bad living situation is an understandable, if regrettable, reason and not at all "transtrender"y.

    When I started T, my doctor asked if I had a support network for exactly this reason.. she wanted to be sure I would have somewhere to go if I was kicked out, and have someone to be kind to me if others weren't. So, if you are going to start T again... do you have some kind of support network you can reach out to? For example, an LGBT friendly homeless shelter just in case... or a friend who will text you whenever you need some relief from the stress. It sounds like you've talked about the situation with your boyfriend, so even if you do break up, would he support your transition and/or be willing to let you stay with him for a while? You might also ask your therapist/doctor if they know if any support groups or other resources in your area.

    Good luck, I'm wishing you the best.
     
  3. GhostBoi

    Regular Member

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    It gets pretty unfortunate here tbh. The LG(BTQ) community here doesn't accept trans individuals (or bi, anything else besides lesbian and gay) so the support group we have here consists of very few people and no funding/no safe area. Which is why I was going for patches, I'm applying for a college in another state and I'm hoping it'll be closer to my moving date that the effects from T through the patches becomes obvious that way I can save myself with "give me two more weeks and I'm gone anyways."
     
  4. GhostBoi

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
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    Gender Pronoun:
    He
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    Straight
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Update; I just emailed my former gender dysphoria counselor.
    At 2:30 AM.

    Radical.