Right now I think it's safe to consider myself defeated. My parents have always provided for me but have been absolutely absent when it comes to having an emotional relationship with me. My days consist of waking up, going to uni, and coming back home just to be locked away in my room because that's all I have to do. My eldest sister is pretty much a narcissist; she'll only talk to me if it's about herself, my other sister (middle sister) I have basically no relationship with, and my mother just smiles and nods through most of our conversations, and when we actually have one I get nervous and start sweating because she looks at me with this face of complete and utter judgement. My father on the other hand lives a couple thousand miles away but even then he calls both my sisters every single day. I can't even remember the last time I spoke to him, and whenever I do call him he barely even talks. I could literally ask him a question and he'll just stay silent until I say "hello?" because I think he hung up. This has gone on for YEARS and it's taken such a toll on my self-esteem that I've begun to resent my whole family. I've been depressed for years but none of them have ever batted an eye. When I tell them how they make me feel, they accuse me of being too sensitive and victimize themselves. My sister even used to bully me constantly and whenever I told my mom about it all she'd say is "just ignore her". What I'm trying to say is that I don't know what to do. I feel so empty and numb. I have suicidal thoughts every day, constantly think of myself watching my family's reaction to my death. I've thought about moving out and one of my friends is actually looking for a roommate but it just feels like another idea we'll never actually go through with. I simply don't know what to do. P.S. I've been wanting to go to a psychologist/psychiatrist but my family doesn't believe in them. They think that people who go to psychologists are "crazy" and that psychologists are crazy themselves. I'd try to explain the reality of them to my mother but she'll just tell me to shut up and go to my room because I'm contradicting her.
Okay... whatever you do. DO NOT SUCIDE. Look up to life! There is still a long way to go and you only have one shot! And have you like tell your sexuality to your parents or do they accept the ideas of LGBQT? Anddd... For now. I think moving out sounds like a way... I know is not gonna fix it but maybe you might need to go somewhere else and come back after you have changed.
I can relate to everything you've written, literally all of it. My siblings are emotionally unavailable too and I suspect my extended family has also been turned against me behind my back although I can't prove it and I have no evidence for it. About your family seeing you depressed and not caring, that's something I totally get as well. It makes me question how "unconditional" their love is or ever was. It's like if they really cared they would have said something meaningful or reassuring by now and not just completely ignored the situation. When you unconditionally love someone you put your own bullshit aside and focus solely on the other person's issues at least some of the time. But they don't do that, and when they refuse to do that for years it's really telling in my opinion. Especially if it's serious (and it doesn't get much more serious than feeling suicidal.) Do you know what their view on gay people is? Since your family aren't looking out for you properly I think you owe it to yourself to just focus on your life. You need to put your own needs first now because no one else is. It's really helpful to have a good network of friends (who actually want what's best for you) in a situation like this. I would focus on building up connections with people outside of your immediate family if you have the time. If you can move out eventually, I would jump on that opportunity also.
Your university should be providing free access to therapy. Look around your website or ask someone in the university and they should be able to point you in the right direction. Most US universities have this service for free so you don't have to talk to your parents about this. On top of that, the school has to respect HIPPA so they are legally unable to tell your parents if you are going to therapy or not. This totally sucks. Good news is that you can find friends who can be there for you so you don't have to rely on your family. Its unfair, you shouldn't have to do this, but you have control over who you surround yourself with and that matters. When people talk about "chosen families" this is what they are talking about. Go find your people! Start with clubs at your university. Make it a point to not come home right after classes. Stay around, join some clubs, attend some meeting, meet new people. You got this!
I'd say I have a pretty reliable network of friends. The thing is that they don't really know each other at all; I just hang out with each one individually, with some exceptions. Either way, they've helped me out a lot with all of this but my family still gets to me. I was actually talking one of my best friends, her boyfriend, and her sister. They're all looking to move out of their houses as well so we're planning on getting a nice place and splitting the rent and utilities across the 4 of us. At this point, I've definitely made up my mind about moving out even though I know my family will give she crap for "abandoning them".
I just transferred to a new university this fall so I'm actually not sure at all if they have therapy services. I'll check it out on their website because I haven't seen anything about it on campus.
