Can somebody please explain to me how unconditional love works? Particularly when it comes to friendships. There have been people that I had feelings of unconditional love for - like I always wanted to be there for them and offer them support and comfort during their difficult times, or give them space if they needed it. Or I would be willing to encourage them to pursue goals and relationships, even if it upset me to see them go and live a long distance away from me. I've expressed interest in these people and wanted to share things with them, without expecting anything in return. And the problem is, these people have given me literally nothing in return. They haven't responded to messages or invitations to meet up and join in social events. They haven't wished me happy birthday or merry Christmas. They haven't asked me how I'm doing or told me how they are doing when I've asked them. They haven't apologized for not keeping in touch over a long period of time. And it's getting to the point that i want to sever any communication with these people. Because I am wanting something from them in return for my loyalty and support - I want their friendship. I want them to keep in touch with me, even if it's just messages on line without meeting in person. I've been wanting to share my interests with them so they can share their interests with me and we can get to know each other better. I thought it was unconditional love that I was offering these people because I've been patient with them hoping they will reach out to me at some point. But I am tired of getting nothing from them and meaning nothing to them. Can somebody explain what it is I have been feeling, besides disappointment?
Okay... So this is not the friendship type unconditional love but it is a form of unconditional love. So a year ago i have this (non-gay) friend that i had a crush on. I went as far as trying to be with him all the time and even end up going out early morning at 2 a.m/ 3 a.m or so and getting robbed. Luckily i am still here... I guess that's an example of love i guess... or too maddneing love... i know it was dumb... And yeah yours... well i do think is unconditional love with unlimited compassion. Despite the negativity, you still hang on to them... Tho i advice you to just leave them... Is not worth it in the long run... You can find other friends through some other ways tho.
To start with, I don't believe unconditional love except for people you consider family. Unconditional love means exactly that, there are no conditions and I will always be there. For me to be able to do that, we have to have a foundation of mutual respect, trust and then a record of taking care of each other. The reason I don't believe in unconditional love with most people is because you can't love unconditionally without having healthy boundaries. The problem is that you are giving yourself to this people without expecting anything in return and they are meeting those expectation by giving you nothing. If you want something from friends then you have to expect it. Disappointment usually means that your expectations aren't being met. The most uncomfortable but sure way to deal with this is by confronting the people you want to stay in contact with "Hey, this is how I'm feeling and I want to share with you" and then talk about your friendship, how you would want to feel, and then give them a chance to step up. They might also not know you are feeling this way, so if they care to keep the relationship then they will try harder. This is about being able to be vulnerable and say "I feel hurt". Its scary because we open ourselves up to rejection and feeling bad about it all, but without it then we will never know who we truly can count on. Its a tough place to be in. Hate that feeling. But know that yes you do deserve friends who check in on you, and send you funny messages, and are there for you.
I agree, but would go further: I think the idea of unconditional love in human relationships is misguided and only appropriate for a parent-child relationship. If you think of where the idea came from, it was from religion and from the relationship between a 'parent' God and their 'child' believers. All the other relationships we have come with 'conditions and terms' - trust, respect, responsibilities and needs to be met. You can unconditionally 'love' someone in the general sense and always wish them well but that does not mean you remain or enter into a relationship (romantic or platonic) with them.
What you're looking for is reciprocation of your unconditional love. It's apparent that they don't have unconditional love for you. Its something hard to give and receive and is mostly found among family. It's even hard to get the same level of friendship back that one has for others.
Thanks for saying this. I think this is where I'm feeling hurt. I wanted more with these people than to wish them well and part ways, I wanted to take things a bit further. And I have made gestures and offered opportunities for us to get back together, but they haven't taken them. And they haven't given a rejection either, they've just been unresponsive most of the time. And what also upsets me is that I never wanted it to get to the point where I end up thinking "oh well, fuck you then I won't bother any more" but it is getting to that stage despite my efforts not to let it get like that.
To me unconditional love means I could be a serial killer and my mom would still love me. I could spend my time kicking puppies and my dog would still love me, I know she's an animal but I still feel the love. Unconditional love doesn't need to be reciprocated or earned. You can't force it and I don't think you can find it with friends. You said you had unconditional love for people but want to sever communication because you don't like the way they react. Then it's not unconditional.
My ex husband expected unconditional love from me as he defined unconditional love, but he was not able to return such unconditional love as how I would expect it to be returned. Or said another way, I gave him what I thought was unconditional love but it was not consistent with his expectations, and what I received was not consistent with mine. When we discussed it, it was clear he thought he was providing me with unconditional love and I thought I was doing the same, but as a post stated above, it actually was love with unhealthy boundaries for the both of us; and our relationship was a bit toxic as a result where we both stressed each other. When we both came to the conclusion that our expectations were not aligned (without placing blame or fault), we mutually agreed to separate. As also stated above by others, my initial expectation of unconditional love was too high a hurdle, as unconditional love is almost impossible to achieve unless there is a parent child relationship. Going forward, I have revised my expectations as to what love I can provide and what love I would expect in return. And it centers around mutual compatibility with one another as the starting point with equal give and take from both participants.
Not only is it almost impossible to achieve, but I would argue that it is undesirable. Adult relationships are based on mutual responsibilities, expectations and support - and to pretend otherwise is to deny our nature and the structure of society.
And some people can't even achieve unconditional love in a parent child relationship. I really feel bad for those people.
I think unconditional love happens but it's not something you can go in looking for and it takes a lot of time and a lot of shared experience. If my husband somehow decided he never wanted to see me again and/or did something truly unspeakable I could imagine us not being together any more, but I really can't imagine not still loving him. We've shared too much, he's too much a part of who I am. It's like there's so much water under that bridge that even if the bridge blew away completely it's just sort of too late at this point...
There is no one in my life—friends, partner, family, that I love unconditionally. I couldn’t continue to love someone if they purposely killed or hurt another person, for example. I couldn’t continue to love a partner if they cheated/hurt me. So I have clearly set some conditions to my love. Unconditional love would be loving someone in spite of getting nothing in return, ever, from that person. If you give someone unconditional love and expect them to do the same, that’s technically putting a condition on your love. Not saying you shouldn’t. Friendships, partnerships, etc...should be mutually worked on. One cannot be putting all the effort in any relationship. But it’s not unconditional love. Even in religion, they say “God” has “unconditional” love for everyone, yet also has the 10 Commandments......which is conditions...for love.
