I'm still trying to figure myself out and have been trying to look back at my past for evidence of what I am. I can definitively say that I have reverse had a crush on a girl but now I wondering if I've had crushes on guys before which I hadn't recognized. I was always werid growing up (eleme try and middle schoo) so never really had anyone I could call friends. When I got to high-school thouh I start to come out of myself and making friends most of them were older than me being seniors. One guy in particular wrecked me. The first time hanging out and I was petrified, so nervous my voice and my hands are visibly shaking. I was always thinking about him and trying to arrange thing so I could be around him. I'd even get jealous if someone seemed to be a better friend with him. There was nothing sexual about these feelings that I'm aware of but I once dreamed of the two of us spooning but even that didn't seem sexuall at the time though I woke up with a weird tingling in my chest. This would repeat itself, whenever he graduated it would be someone else and on and on. So I guess the question is, where these crushes or did I just admire him, or thought he was cool? I've had other friends throughout this time, my best friend even, that I have never felt these same things for. Admiration and wanting to be cool and fit in, or gay crush that I subconsciously repressed or didn't recognise? #1creative, Today at 11:52 AM
I only realized I might be a lesbian 10 years ago-ish, when I was 40. Because I fell in love suddenly and forcefully with a straight friend-and kept it secret even from her. Like you, I looked to my past and realized the same - I’d had intense crushes on girls, wanted to be close to them, go out of my way to bump into them, was always very “touchy” but I never imagined kissing them etc. Or, maybe I did briefly, then purged it right away. I thought these crushes were just some weird anomaly, but they scared me and I never told anyone. I had crushes on guys, too, but things always felt awkward and difficult with guys. Not so difficult that I didn't wind up getting married. Still am! And still in love with the friend. It’s kind of a mess...
I had a musician friend in high school I was attracted to. We were a week apart in age and he was more popular with the girls. He was a rock star and I wanted to be just like him. That said I was emotionally attracted to him at the same time. Even though I liked girls I would get jealous when girls were around him; messed up I know
This is very similar to my experience. Always thought they were just “friend crushes” and always more nervous around girls compared to guys. Then one of my friend crushes was with a lesbian and I crushed hard and started to feel more sexual desires that I think I didn’t realize were always there with the other straight friends. She had a girlfriend and I never let her know I had a crush on her... and then I met my now husband. 12 years later and these feelings for women have exploded again and now I can’t seem to stop them.
creative.....Hello and just in case no one else has said it...welcome to empty closets! Sounds like a crush to me. . I did the same kind of thing. In September my HS graduating class had a reunion. I did several videos for the reunion. As I was scanning photos of my classmates I realized that there were a couple of guys that I actually did have crushes on. I never did realize it at the time...only "hindsight" allowed me to realize that it was more than just being friends or wishing that I could be more like them. I'm pretty sure that I wanted to be with them! .....David
Looking at my past just makes me all the more confused! I have been told not to do that as much as I do yet I keep doing it. Indeed. The past does hold clues. We can work through them within ourselves, with people we trust, and with a therapist, if we have one. I once had a therapist who didn't like looking at the past and wanted to concentrate on the here and now and just move forward. He and I didn't work well together and parted ways. I once briefly had a therapist who said that our psyche is the sum total of our life experiences. It sounds like the past plays an important role and we are constantly been shaped and amended. Try to look at your past feelings and thoughts productively. It could become a negative thing if the thoughts and ruminations become obsessive.
Yea I had lots of those crushes from 6th grade through college. The problem was that I didn't know the real definition of gay and didn't know some guys wanted to date and be with other guys. I only knew gay as an insult for wimp, sissy, etc and had nothing to do with romantic relationships. I've had crushes since then, but I knew what they were. When did you fully understand the real definition of what being gay means? If you fully understood orientation in middle school and there was no prejudice against being gay, do you think you would have recognized the crushes for what they were at the time? I think I would have if I knew the truth. Some friends I didn't have crushes on, but some were friends at least in part due to a little crush. The main difference I think was that the ones I had crushes on, I liked their looks which I can now see as attraction. It doesn't mean they were all conventionally hot, but I was attracted for one reason or another. Would you rate the guys you had feelings for better looking than the ones that you didn't feel the same about? I wonder if it's attraction that causes the crush on some friends, but not others. The feelings faded for those guys I'm still friends with due to time, they got married to women and understanding sexuality now. I've done a lot of looking back to figure out what I knew when and why didn't I know I was gay sooner. I'm not sure it's been helpful, but it definitely confirms that I've always been gay and I wasn't taught by seeing gay people in media or nonsense like that which some people fear makes kids gay. I've wasted too much time pondering it so I'd caution against that for you though. If you can, try a therapist maybe. You can go a few or as many times as you want and it's nice to just say anything you want to and get their point of view. I hope you discover what you need to, take care!
