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Married, kids, bisexual, depressed

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Jggates, Aug 1, 2018.

  1. Jggates

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    Just wanted to chip in and say being bi or gay doesn't make anyone less of a real man.

    It sounds like things are not great at the moment, and I really hope they work out. But don't be thinking you are not a real man. That's just nonsense.
     
  2. Jggates

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    Does she already know you are bi, but suspect you are gay? Or you aren't out at all, but she suspects?

    Either way, it's true that you cannot come out to someone else before you are ready. I think we need to get out own heads sorted before having a conversation like this.

    But I also understand why a partner is going to probe if they suspect, or if they are trying to work out what lies behind other problems.

    I don't have the answers, as I'm also in the same boat. But my wife isn't putting pressure on me to come out, and I have no idea whether or not she suspects. She definitely knows something is troubling me, but her pushing has been limited to asking me if I'm worried about something, and telling me I need to confide in someone if I'm worried - even if that someone isn't her.

    I'm obviously very lucky to have a wife who is trying to keep me sane, even if she doesn't know why I'm drowning. But I also understand why a wife may also be struggling with this if she suspects her husband isn't straight.

    It's a mess, and I wish I had the answers for you. You are at the stage I am dreading. :frowning2:
     
  3. Rade

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    I suppose I have a hang up that being bi/gay I didn't satisfy her. But she never complained in that department LOL. I suppose I'm a bit bitter that I'm now alone and she has a new guy...
     
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  4. JontyT

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    Just thought I might add a few observations which may be confusing, helpful or useless.

    I read recently (but can’t find the article but might have been in The Guardian) that more and more people are suffering from a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder based on constantly thinking about things about themselves that actually aren’t true. One example was of a man who was obsessed that he might be gay even though he wasn’t. He forced himself to look at gay porn regularly because he became convinced that he should be gay but found that he really didn’t like it and he wasn’t sexually attracted to men but he did find men attractive from a purely aesthetic viewpoint. He was happy with his family and marriage and said that everything was great but because he had the obsessive thought he doubted the way he walk, spoke and acted around others and was convinced that everyone thought he was gay even though the reality was nobody thought this. Not sure what the outcome is but the message was that we can become obsessed with something that isn’t actually what we know about ourselves but is a repetitive thought pattern.

    I’m not saying here that you’re not bisexual (you are based on everything you’ve said to date) but that the thought you are might be stronger (i.e. so much more important to you than it really is because you keep thinking about it) than your actual desire to act out whatever your orientation is. As mentioned before, the fact that you are happily married and love your wife strongly indicates the even if you do say you are bisexual you are never going to act on this desire because you are committed to a monogamous relationship. In many ways your bisexuality is an irrelevance to everyone else except you - if you need to own the label then give it to yourself if that will release the thought from controlling you any more. I think ultimately this is the conversation you will have with your wife.

    I said earlier that I’m pretty much sure that I am bisexual and yet I have no desire to have sex with anyone. I think for myself I’m far more attracted to romantic love and therefore fit more comfortably in the label of bi-romantic demi-sexual.

    Jggates, I’ve just got a suggestion that you explore the idea that the thought you have about your sexuality may be more intrusive mentally than the reality of how you actually feel. You love your wife and family, could it be that you’re having a mid-life crisis and the exploration of your sexuality is more in your mind than anything physical? Please note that I’m definitely not saying that what you feel isn’t real or true for you but that our thoughts can sometimes overwhelm us.

    I discovered The Three Principles (any search on Google will tell you more about this and all resources are free) a few years ago and my understanding of this really helped me when I was at a very low point. Basically, this is a very simple concept which (how I understand it at least) explains that we have constant thoughts and can either choose to dwell on those thoughts or not. The thoughts we focus on create our mood, feeling, etc... but the simplicity of this is that we recognise the thought for exactly what it is - a thought - and then decide what to do with that thought.

    Not sure if this makes any sense or not. It does work well for me although I do feel lonely a great deal of the time and often find myself wondering if I will ever meet someone else to share my life with who I can care for and who will care for me. I do tell myself every day that I’m ok but it’s not easy when you accept yourself for what you are (which I do) but wonder if you’ll ever find someone who might feel the same way too.

    I’m still wishing you all the best and trust that it will all work out for you in the end.
     
  5. Jggates

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    Yes, that can't be a nice situation. I'd also say that's probably a common feeling when someone seems to have moved on - gay, bi or straight. So don't add worries about your manliness to all the other trauma.

    Just my two-penny worth. I know a few words on the internet can't change how you feel. But thought it worth sharing my thoughts anyway.

    Hope things start looking up soon.
     
  6. Jakebusman

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    She's suppected I'm gay for a while she only brings it up if I start to talk about being in the closet and make joke's
     
  7. Rade

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    Thanks for your kind words, I'm enjoying finding me, exercising, LGBT groups, buying some new clothes in the style i like, no longer asking ex wife's opinion. It's quite empowering. My kids, 3 of them take up alot of my time too... .
    But I seem to have dark days too, perhaps it's just me transitioning from my old life to a new one...
    I will get there...thanks Jggates
    How are you?
     
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  8. Rade

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    That's not kind of her, I had a few blazing arguments with my ex wife and I told her she is homaphobic, but probably she is just angry and cross. Your partner/wife may feel angry, cross and frustrated as well... It's like losing a person, in a way, my ex was very sad and had a two week melt down. Things are a bit better now and I joked that if I marry a man she must come to the wedding....
     
  9. Jakebusman

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    I mean I make joke's
     
  10. Jggates

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    It sounds like you are on the right path @Rade - I guess you are right, you are finding the "new you".

    And I'm not too bad right now, thanks for asking. Still no closer and sort of answer but the therapy is helping so I'm just concentrating on sorting my own head out, and trying to park any thoughts about what (if anything) I need to tell my wife.
     
  11. Rade

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    Really pleased the counselling is helping you....
     
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  12. IanMkh

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    This is become quite a thread. I’m so grateful to have you all here.

    I’ll chime in a bit here. My counselor and I have decided not to tell my wife about me being bi. I’ve no plans or desire to leave her, but I do want to feel better about it. However, we both know my wife well enough to know that I am not going to get what I need by telling her. I won’t be able to express it. I’m not looking to have affairs or open up our marriage, but I want to be free to talk about it. We don’t think that will happen.

    My wife is lovely and very supportive of the lgbtq community. She just won’t be supportive of me in it. For my counselor’s part, we’ve been really thinking about whether or not the big reveal will give me the relief I need. For now we think not. And so, for my part, it’s not worth it to tell her.
     
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  13. Jggates

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    I keep flitting between "I need to tell her to get it off my chest" to "I *should* tell her as it's the right thing to do" to "there's no need to tell her, it's irrelevant and no good can come of it".

    I'm glad you've made the decision. Making a conscious choice must be a positive step, I think?
     
  14. IanMkh

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    If I’m being honest - and why shouldn’t I be - I don’t love the decision. I just like the alternatives less. It’s the best of a bunch of bad options. I’m about to see the counselor...
     
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  15. Jggates

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  16. whattodo1

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    Good luck, I'm in the same boat, wondering if or what I should tell my wife. Just had a first session with a new counselor today. Didn't get into this topic as just stuck with basics to see if I was comfortable enough to go there. I think I will at the next visit and see what he thinks.

    @IanMkh - curious though, your profile says you are out to a few people, but not your wife? I take it that means you have a trusted friend or two you've discussed this with, too?
     
  17. Jakebusman

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    Is it wring to be Bi and married
     
  18. Nickw

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    I've been lurking on this thread and I thought I would offer a perspective from someone on the "other side". Two years ago I was at the point where I hadn't told my wife I was bisexual and thought I had to. It took a year for me to finally get up the nerve. I had to be sure my wife and I were in good places when I did this and I needed to get some counseling and get my head on straight.

    I was pretty happy as a married bisexual with a secret fantasy life. My wife and I had an active sex life and I was pretty satisfied.

    But, things change. In my case, my wife had a hysterectomy and about the same time I had a back injury skiing. I was in my mid-fifties and really in good shape. Women and men noticed me and I sorta got into that. Well, overnight I felt I had lost it. My wife lost her sex drive and I started to lose my edge. One day a man made a pass at me and my whole world just exploded. All of these same sex feelings just became overwhelming. I became angry at my wife, started drinking, couldn't sleep. I had all this shit going on in my life and my wife had no idea. And, I couldn't share what was happening with her because it was a secret. It was a very bad time in an otherwise great life.

    Guys. Only you will know when and if it is a good idea to come out to your wives. But, be careful you don't let it go as far as I did. Or, worse yet, where you seek sex with a man outside the marriage. It is so much harder to come out if that happens and you would be surprised how easy it is to go from "I would NEVER do that to I WANT to do that to I MUST do that" Be careful.
     
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  19. Rade

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    No it's not wrong in my opinion, been there and done it myself....
     
  20. Rade

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    That's why I came out but in my case, she then found someone else, BUT life goes on...