Hello guys; I am in a point of my life that i am in need of advice...i used to be very shy and anxious as a teen, i had the normal attraction to girls as any boy but i never had a girlfriend because i never talked much with girls but i always questioned if i might be gay. Right now, i am the most confident i ever was, not much but better than i was, you get the idea...i work, do gym, talk more confidently to other people, etc. I am ready to start more active look for a girlfriend until out of nowhere, i started to have very strong fantasies towards the same sex, i mean daily which made me feel confused since i usually don't look at men that way. I start a "nofap" think and i broke it after a month due to those fantasies. I really don't look at men that way when i am on the streat or in the gym and after my "release" those fantasies go away, do you think this is curiosity or somethink more?
So, if I'm hearing you correctly, your masturbation fantasies are mostly to men, and you've always questions if you were gay, and your fantasies are mostly toward men. Given that, it is hard to argue that you're straight. Very often, the confusing factor here is that our conscious mind, and the unconscious programming we get that being gay is wrong or bad (as a result of media, religious factors, etc) makes it uncomfortable to accept that we could possibly be gay. So if your fantasies are mostly toward guys, it is most likely that this is where your true, hardwired orientation lies.
i wouldn't say mostly, it has phases...i always questioned it but i denied any sexual thoughts of the same sex but now i accept it and am still confused for some reason. I still look at girls and i can imagin myself with a girl if i see them in real life which is not the case with men, actually i don't feel attraction in person yet, i see myself fantasising a lot about guys and i enjoy it although i still fight it a little bit in my head. I still think it's curiosity but my teen years are far gone and my feelings were way stronger for girls in my teens, now i can´t help it than thinking about guys which is being very confusing to me.
I contradicted myself a bit, i mean that i accept it because i give in to those thoughts now but something in the back of my mind still fights it...i wouldn't mind if i was gay but i have doubts that i want to make those same sex fantasies real.
I mean I like to think if you're alone in private and it's men that do it for you, then think you are. If it walks like a duck quacks like a duck it's not a chicken.
I think that's a common part of the process of coming to self-acceptance. As long as it remains theoretical... as long as we're masturbating to an abstract fantasy, we can convince ourselves it's just a thought process. But once we actually engage with another person, then it becomes real, and we're forced out of denial. Remember that the process of accepting any loss (in this case, perception of self as straight) requires going through stages: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. It can take hours or years to do that. And it is as we do reach the later stages that we are able to fully accept and love ourselves as we are.
Thank you for your answer, it's not easy to realise my sexuality at 28 years old, i guess i am still at the barganing stage, maybe "it's just curiosity or just being horny...", it makes sense, it's just harder and harder to do so while the desire grows. I created a whole world around me in which everyone thinks i am straight, i guess that is what scares me to fully accept myself as a gay man.
What you describe is what just about every gay (or bi) guy who comes to self-awareness a bit later experiences. Who we are attracted to is pretty foundational to our view of who we are, so when that comes into question, it basically causes us to re-evaluate so much else about who we are, and what we know about ourselves. And I also know many people who everyone assumed were straight, who basically felt, in addition to everything else, the discomfort of having to explain to everyone that they weren't who everyone thought them to be. The fear is "people will think I was lying to them" when the reality is that (a) nobody really cares, and (b) most realize that these things are complicated and people aren't lying, but may not have known. So I think the more you can process and begin to accept that, the easier it will become. Finally... take your time. There's no rush and no timeline by which you have to come out. It does get easier the more you talk about it.
I can totally relate. I was about the same age when I finally started questioning myself. I was married (to a woman) at the time and the process was crazy. I’ve actually started a thread in the late in life section to kinda tell how it went for me. Anywho, looking back I’m like really? How did I believe I was straight like ever? Honestly for me, I was determined to sort it out and took a long look at myself. It was hard, but totally worth it
Hi! I agree with what Chip wrote about how denial can really change your perception of what you are. What struck me about your post is that it appears that you haven't experienced any intimacy with men or women. Is this correct? So, I have to wonder about the basis for determining your sexual identity if you still feel attracted to both but haven't been with either? Is there any harm in dipping your toes into the water? Try dating a guy and see how you feel in a real world situation?
Similar story here, buddy. Since I was young I remember myself somewhat attracted to men, not sure how I feel toward the opposite gender. I had couple of girlfriends over the years, but I never had the same strong emotions for them as I had for guys I was attracted to. After a long time of having a hard time defining myself, I finally decided that I should fight it - I'm gay. Try to take a getaway for couple of hours\days, and think about it. I'm sure you have the answer somewhere in your mind.. You just have to find it and to accept it!
I have been with a women when i was 21and i did like it but other than that, no, i don't have much experience since i was always the shy type, in fact, it was a "service" if you know what i mean, i never had a relationship which is quite embarrassing. I would even say that usually i am attracted to girls but i have moments where i keep having same sex fantasies, like in this moment, that´s why i am so confused. I don't want to come out right now, actually i rather be in the closed and work on accept this feelings, maybe even explore them in reality, although i am not really sure how yet since it's not a "world" i know much about.
My story is a bit different since i do have feelings for girls but i lack the experience, i am terrible in social situations and never had a relationship to say that those feelings are pure denial. I think the most important is that i am finally accepting that i do feel attracted to guys, i enjoy the fantasies, my mind is less focused on blocking them and more on enjoy them.
You are probably right... I also felt strange, shy and uncomfortable when I dated girls, although I most certainly had feelings for them. I didn't have these strange uncomfortable feelings when I was with guys though...
Hmmm. Given that. I can relate, to some extent, as a bisexual. I have had intrusive fantasies about men. But, usually when I am not "getting any". When I am in a sexual relationship with a woman, like the first 20 years of my marriage, I don't think much about guys except to appreciate a hot guy. I wonder if you have a narrow band of attraction? I'm this way. Most guys, even good looking ones, do nothing for me. But, there is one type of guy that I am very attracted to and will yearn for him when I see him. So, catch me on the right day and I feel pretty straight. It seems to me that you need to do some more exploration. I don't know how you decide something in your head like this. You don't have to come out to flirt with a guy a bit and see if that does something for you. For awhile, I knew I would not, or could not, as a married to a woman guy, hook up with another man. But, I needed the interaction. So, I just started flirting with guys, any guy, even straight ones. We're not talking about overt stuff and I was careful to not get myself in trouble. Just engaging conversations with lots of eye contact. It was really about trying to feel deep down attraction for a man and not try and dismiss it as just a fantasy. Flirting might even be too strong a word. But, I did get hit on by guys a couple times doing this without having to do the whole app or meetup thing. I have commented to my wife that there are a lot more guys out there willing to fool around than will admit they want to fool around with a guy....at least in my experience. I think there is often this idea that to test out our sexuality we need to go get laid by a dude and see if we like it. That's, probably, a bad idea in general. I would, instead, watch some movies with gay themes (not porn), flirt a little, etc. Even going to a gay venue out of town can work. Gay ski weeks or things like that can be a low risk way to do some exploration.
Yes. exactly...i can relate 100% with the narrow attraction, there is a specific type that i feel very attracted to, other guys don´t do much for me, even if other girls comment on how hot they are. Thank you for the advice, it helped me a lot.
I know when I was your age I was more comfortable hiding my sexuality but acting upon it. 5 years later I’m more comfortable admitting it to myself and others. But not yet completely out.
