Hi. I'm just starting to try to process who I really am, and hoping for some feedback/advice for those who've been there. I'm a >40 married man, 2 kids, and have been outwardly straight my whole life. But since I can remember, I have always felt attraction to guys and girls. Aside from some half joking pecks on the lips in high school with a couple guy classmates (which I enjoyed more than I let on), I've never had any "non-straight" physical contact with other guys. But I do often have thoughts about wanting to - not full intercourse but anything up to that. I watch porn from time to time, and gay porn doesn't really turn me on, but when I watch hetero porn my focus is mostly on the guy (or guys). On the street or on TV I'm more likely to be turned on by an attractive guy than an attractive girl. I've had dreams of sensual/sexual contact with both guys and girls, but the ones with guys seem to be the more powerful. If I wake up midway through, I find myself trying to will myself back to sleep so I can experience more. But having said all that, I'd probably put myself at a 1 or 2 on the Kinsey scale - I think part of the draw is more about wanting what I feel I can't have. What has really gotten me thinking recently has been watching gay coming of age movies. First, Call Me By Your Name, then more recently, Love Simon. Watching both movies got me feeling really nostalgic, kinda remorseful, wishing that I had been more true to myself when I was younger. Maybe if I had tried to experiment before doing the married with kids thing, I would have had other options available. I am pretty sure I would have still wanted to be married to a woman and had kids, but at least I'd know what I was missing, or maybe would even end up married to someone open to an open relationship. Who knows. A big part of why I never did was sadly trying to keep with societal norms - not wanting to risk an impact to my career, my friends, my family. I've told my wife nothing at the moment, but I'm fairly sure she could never be part of an open relationship, and I'm honestly not sure how she would react to me telling her all or any of this. But I am starting to feel like I need to, for both our sakes. Me so I can stop living in secret and her so she knows who she really married. I don't want to separate but ideally would just want to be able to talk more openly about it with her, hell maybe even joke about which guys we each like on the TV shows we watch. But before I do that, I do plan to speak with a therapist with LGBT experience. I'd also be interested in hearing from those on this forum who've been through a similar experience. From what I've described, what do you think this makes me? In a perfect world, what do you think would make me the happiest? What other advice would you have for someone in my position? Thanks in advance.
Im 26 virgin male and gay I only related to your porn habits gay porn does nothing for me. You might be bi but I'd saily you're more likely gay. I think you should go to therapy and gonzalo go to a gay function and get to know people
Hey there, You're certainly not alone in what you're going through right now. A lot of people your age (especially older) have repressed feelings their entire life, whether consciously or subconsciously, to avoid alienation and adversity. It might be true that you're simply wanting what you never had (and feel like you can't have), but what I think it more likely is that you're gay or bisexual with a preference for men. Sexuality is fluid and can change throughout one's life, so I'm not going to suggest you're 100% one or the other (hell, I'm certainly not 100% gay). But by your age, you know yourself, and what you've posted above suggests you recognize that you're more sexually attracted to men than women. Your situation is a little more difficult because you have children with your wife. Not only is your mind trying to account for your personal feelings, but you'll naturally have an inclination to do what people think is "best" for their kids and stay married to your wife. If I may ask, how old are your children? Are they young and dependent entirely on you two, or have they begun to mature themselves? Age certainly impacts their ability to understand what is going on. How is your relationship with your wife? Are you open and honest in most other ways? Or do you feel you have a lot of feelings that you don't share? Are you sexually attracted to women whatsoever? When I watch straight porn I also find that I am there primarily for the men. My advice would be that you either speak with a professional (if you can't find a resolution to your feelings) or continue posting online for support. What you're trying to process right now has been buried for years, and it will never just flow out easily. It takes a lot of self-reflection and often insight from others to make sense of this stuff. You're doing the right thing by posting here and asking for advice.
Thanks for the replies. The kids are 11 and 14, and I think that if and when I decide to talk about this with someone other than a therapist it would probably just be with my wife and not with the kids, at least until they're older. My wife and I do have a pretty good relationship. I would say that most but not all of our feelings get expressed to each other. And as for sexual attraction to women, yes that is definitely still there. Looking back on my first post, I guess I didn't really talk about that much but it is still there. Any desire I have for full on sex is with women, though that desire has waned a bit with age. Just curious, did you come out later in life or have you known for a long time?
I have been in this process for the last 18 months....2 kids 8 and 10. Separated from my wife. I have been through most stages of the grieving process. Pain, denial, anxiety, bargaining......I still bargain! Even went on three dates with women last week. I can enjoy being with women romantically and sexually, and am still ashamed and embarrassed that I could feel sexually attracted to a man. I feel better about the fact that I am predominantly masturbating thinking of men, and that doesn’t feel as shameful as it once did (I had never even fantasized about men before 2 years ago). I have made a lot of progress over the last two years, but this takes time. I am actually going to EMDR therapy next week. We’ll see if that helps. Best to you, keep staying present as much as possible, finding time to be compassionate to yourself, and exercising and eating right.
