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The walls people build

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by OGS, Sep 29, 2018.

  1. OGS

    OGS
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    A recent thread here on EC made me think about a conversation I had with a friend a couple months ago. I don't really remember what we were discussing when my friend blurted out something along the lines of "I don't understand why people aren't just awful to you." I was a bit taken aback. I mean, why would people be awful to me? I'm no saint but I'm a pretty good guy, try to be genuine, try to let people in, assume the best of people. Why would people be awful to me? Well, it turns out that was exactly what she was referring to. All those walls that people put up to protect themselves, it seemed to her that I just didn't have any and if people have these walls to protect themselves how come it didn't bite me in the ass almost constantly? Don't get me wrong I certainly have those walls--I haven't sent any money to Nigerian princes--but as numerous people have pointed out to me over the years mine appear to be abnormally small. I spent my childhood so completely walled in that when I came out they all came down and I guess I just never replaced them.

    What do people think about the barriers people put up to protect themselves? Do people think they're effective? What, if any, is the cost? How do other people's barriers affect how you view them? Just curious...
     
  2. DecentOne

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    I've found a high cost to walls. I've put them up in the past when my alarms go off - long after a person with counseling training spoke with me and called it a "defended self." It cut me off from being vulnerable, not just protecting a vulnerability. I don't know if that makes sense coming across as just typed words. Basically, it kept me from being harmed by someone with the power to cause hurt, but it also meant I was shutting down an avenue of being real with them... and others. I ended up suffering the consequences of that person's power anyway, whereas I might have turned things around given the self confidence to live with boundaries without walls. I am glad not to be in a situation like that. If I were to go back in time, I'd see if I could get a counselor as soon as I noticed the defended self happening - to get strong enough with my own sense of worth, dignity and ability to handle what came my way and let the walls back down.
    Maybe what you're friend hasn't had yet is the chance to live through being out and real and surviving it. It sounds like you're coming out period was empowering because you were grounded enough in yourself to be able to live without walls.
     
  3. Ardee

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    I was just thinking about something like this. There was (is still) a girl I was very keen on and there was an awareness between us. There was a change in her to me after I gave her a Christmas present, she was suddenly aggressive, angry, not wanting to talk to me much anymore. I asked to meet with her and instantly felt those walls going up. It felt like fear. It also involved a very strong denial from her of anything going on, which all only indicated that something WAS going on. I'll never break those walls. It has to be her being brave. 8 months on those walls are still up. No relationship for us...
     
  4. fadedstar

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    I quite recently had a revelation wherein I realised that the wall that cuts me off from meaningful connection with other people outside of myself is the same wall that cuts me off from my own emotions within myself. People can't connect with what isn't there. You can be physically present but at the same time not emotionally present and people don't know what to do with that. Humans are social animals.

    Ironically, I think the walls that I put up as self protection ultimately led to more alienation and more abuse rather than less. I believe walling yourself off is an automatic reflex against social/emotional trauma. Unfortunately it's virtually impossible to exist in this world and not sustain some kind of emotional trauma on some level. I think trauma rarely if ever hardens you up it just leaves you more vulnerable. If something was so traumatic that you can no longer look at it all you end up with is a new blind spot.
     
  5. Broccoli

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    I think this is an interesting topic and something I'd like to think more about. What is it that you all mean by 'walls'? I guess a 'wall' is a behaviour that is used to avoid a perceived emotional threat, like avoiding sharing information that people could use against you or stopping yourself thinking about a topic? In which case, is the issue that we over-use the behaviour in situations where it isn't actually necessary (i.e. we perceive a threat when there isn't really one)? Or is it that the behaviour in itself is unhelpful?
     
  6. OnTheHighway

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    From my layman’s perspective emotional walls are not exclusive to the LGBT community. They are put up to protect ourselves from underlying shame we develop as we grow and mature. Shame, as I am coming to realize, goes broader and deeper than the shame derived from living within a heteronormative society. Since coming out, as I have continued to work on eliminating all my walls (whether derived from being gay or otherwise), I try to be acutely aware of others around me the walls they have put up and personas they have projected.

    Last night I went to my 30th year high school reunion. As far as I was aware, I was the only openly gay guy there amongst my group of high school friends. While it was validating to hear complements and praise for coming out from those that once talked about me behind my back for being gay as a teenager, I was actually more surprised to perceive the personas projected, the walls built, and how my former classmates have evolved over the years.

    Some reflected confidence with no barriers, other projected confidence with perceived barriers, one surprisingly showed up quite high on coke and bragged about it, another had to continuously talk about all of her life accomplishments until everyone stopped listening, one guy did try and make a joke about a teenage era same sex story that got out about me and I actually laughed so hard he just went dead silent and yet another, whom I thought disliked me in high school, gave me the biggest hug of anyone that I saw - I could go on and on.

    When I realized, after just a few hours, I saw everyone I wanted to see and actually did not feel I had anything to prove to anyone, nor did I feel remotely threatened or discouraged, I left the event early. I did not get the same type of post vulnerability rush I used to in similar settings early in my coming out process. I would like to say its because my walls are truly down, but deep down I know that not to be completely true. However, my emotional wall today is porbably more at knee level where six some odd years ago as I was in the early stages of embracing my sexuality it was 100 feet over my head.

    But I digress, so back to your point. I believe the less of a need you have for a wall, the less impact others with their own projected personas or built up walls can get to you. It seems quite straight forward actually. Those that seek to hide behind a wall are probably those that are most impacted by others whom try and hurt others in order to comfort themselves. Hence why they built the wall to begin with. Just as I experienced last night at my renuion, it was a non event at this point. And you experience the same when you dont let others get to you.
     
    #6 OnTheHighway, Sep 30, 2018
    Last edited: Sep 30, 2018
  7. notaprincess06

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    I'm a very friendly, open minded, accepting, polite but chill type of person. However, all my emotional walls are up when I interact with people and that is something that happened to me without me having a say in it or even realising it and it's something that is very hard to control now. It makes me repressed, it makes it hard to connect deeply with people(not in the sense of socialising but in the sense of me getting deeply attached or more than superficially attracted), it's hard to let them in, to be vulnerable around them and thus it also affects, even if subtly so, the way I come off to people, the vibes I send out and it keeps me from acting 100% like myself, to let go. That is not good, it helps keep me friendless and without a partner, it keeps from getting my emotional needs met. Sure, it's good to be careful and rational and not too naive but having no walls is better, it's easier to just choose when u should put some barriers between yourself and others rather than have to struggle to break walls in order to connect.
     
  8. Filip

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    A very nice topic indeed! And your friend's comment is definitely something I have heard before.

    If there's anything I have learned about walls since coming out, it is that for the longest time, I had it entirely backwards.
    I constructed a lot of walls to protect things I considered to be harmful secrets. Because if "they" found what's behind, they could hurt me. Or blackmail me. Or get leverage over me in some way. For profit or just for shits and giggles.

    Ever since coming out, however, I discovered that I didn't need walls to keep these harmful secrets.
    The walls themwselves were what gave the secrets their power!
    The mere fact that a secret exists is what gives it leverage. If it isn't a secret, it means less than nothing. If it becomes public knowledge, so what? Go around, tell all of my friends I'm gay, and they'll just shrug and tell you they've known for years.

    So over the years, I have made a concerted effort to just tear down all of those other walls. After the big wall crumbled without much in the way of backlash, the others started to feel more and more like a hindrance. Until I'm at a point where nothing really seems like it's all that worth clamming up about.

    And in the end, I do't avoid getting hurt DESPITE the lack of walls, but BECAUSE the lack of walls.

    And, as fadedstar mentioned, they also are internal walls. At first, being honest with myself was painful, yes. But now that I've had some experience at being honest with myself, I found out that my mind can be my own best friend, instead of a caged beast I definitely need to keep under lock and key. Sometimes I even dare to show emotion without first considering what it looks like to outsiders!


    Now, to be fair, there are still a few situations where I am more guarded.
    I obviously don't come into the office telling people how good the sex was last night. And if you share something in confidence, I won't blab. And in some situations I'll still be a bit on my guard until I know what I can share and with whom, or what is acceptable to share and what not.
    But at least it isn't a structural thing infecting all areas of my life.
     
  9. smurf

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    Depends on what you consider effective.

    One of the things that has been frustrating is that there are people who are allowed to be vulnerable and open and some people get penalized harder for it.

    If you are a christian, then being openly christian in most places is okay. If you are a progressive christian then even better. But you if you are wiccan, pagan or any other religion that carries some heavy stigma then it will cost you. Some people just can't afford the cost of being authentic in certain settings.

    People with skills that others depend on like artists or really smart people get a pass to be themselves, but there has to be something worth people "putting up with you" type of thing. Sounds negative, but not meant to be.

    For example, I'm a Hispanic gay guy, but I do come from an upper middle class background so I have been allowed to say "fuck you" more often than someone who doesn't have a safety net to fall on. I can risk being vulnerable with other people more often. I can risk losing a job, pissing off a donor or even posting some stuff online. My class protects me and allows me to take more risks. Some people don't have that benefit.

    On the other hand, I don't want to be honest with my family about being in an open relationship. I'm the only gay couple that they know, only married gay couple that they know, and in some way I feel responsible to show them a "healthy" gay couple. Last thing I want is for the only gay couple that they know to not be "perfect". So to my family we are monogamous and living our best life. To my friends they know the little happy sluts that we are. Not a perfect answer, but to me is just not worth it right now. Maybe in the future.
     
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  10. Nickw

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  11. Broccoli

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    This is the most insightful thing I've read this week and helps resolve one of the challenges I've been struggling to put my finger on regarding this topic. I've recognised and written about this before - the privilege of being able to take risks and fail - but never realised it applied in this situation too.
     
  12. Biguy45

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    Frankly I have walls because too much interaction with people drives me nuts. I know it sounds foolish, as I have posted many personal things here, but in real life I keep things to myself
     
  13. OnTheHighway

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    I am not sure this is really a result of an emotional wall. This seems to be a proper position to take in regards to what you do behind closed doors is your business, not your families. It’s one thing for our walls to be down so people know whom we are, but its another to completely expose every facet of our personal lives; which just seems to be common etiquette and decency in order to maintain our own self respect. Obviously, this is a personal choice as to how much people know about ourselves. Personally, I have no issue with people knowing that I am openly gay, but I have an issue with people knowing how I express my sexuality in my own bedroom behind closed doors. What I actually do behind closed doors is my own business.
     
  14. smurf

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    I get what you are saying and you are right that people have the right for privacy, but its not how I see my own life.

    Sharing your story, your whole story, allows us all be ourselves but it also allows other people to see themselves in others.

    So one of the reasons why I'm open about my relationship dynamic is because I want other people to understand and know someone in a successful open relationship. I don't want it to be a dirty little secret. Also saying it should be kept secret ignores the fact that monogamy in our culture is assumed.

    Telling my truth about my relationship dynamic can be liberating for myself and other people who struggle to conform to monogamy and think they are alone and no way out.

    So the difference to me is that I want to be able to tell my family. I want them to know, but right now I feel like I can't. If we ever have kids, I will also make sure my kids know when they are older so they understand that they have options and there is no shame in it.
     
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  15. Filip

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    A very good point (sadly, I dare say). And I did forget to check my own privilege there. I'm fairly affluent and white, in a progressive country. With progressive friends and family who, well, strive to be progressive at least. Even though my mom didn't acknowledge me being gay for about five years after I came out to her, there was also never any real risk of ending alone on the streets.
    Hell, my employer loves me because I'm a poster child for diversity quota. In the parts of Belgium I live in, it is quite literally more risky to say you're a believing Christian than coming out as gay.

    Which is definitely not so in much of the rest of the world. I wish I could share the privilege, but all I can do for now is provide some measure of a listening ear and a visible demonstration that things don't have to remain the way they are now, even if the fight will be long and hard.



    I DO agree on having decent boundaries, by the way. Though I don't really consider those to be walls.
    I'm quite sure my mom prefers not to think of my sex life at all to begin with. Even while I'm perfectly vanilla monogamous, to my family I'll never mention anything except sleeping with a wall of pillows between us and with our hands firmly on top of the bedsheets ;-)

    Yet, it's also not a wall per se. It would definitely confuse some people to find out the messy details. But it'd also not be something that would ruin my life if it came to light. It's not something you could functionally blackmail me with.
    At most I'd have to shelve my ambition to become President of Europe some day :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  16. Biguy45

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    That president of Europe dream must be hard to give up. My grand ambition is to one day live in a shack on a beach somewhere with a dog as a companion
     
  17. OnTheHighway

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    If I were to say it another way, you want to show there are other relationship dynamics besides those embraced by the heteronormative script and such dynamics are ok. I appreciate that, and even more so appreciate your desire to want to tell your kids if you have any (I have two and was grateful to have told them that I was gay which was a big accomplishment in of itself). Clearly you have an emotional connection to the topic.

    When I was married to my ex husband, and we were open, I had told my father and close friends about our open relationship. Outside of that I did not have a need to tell anyone. I never felt I was being vulnerable nor expressing anything that I held behind an emotional wall by telling people close to me nor did I feel like I was holding back by not telling a broader audience. It was a private matter aside from those close to me. Conversely, I did consider embracing my sexuality and telling my kids as well as everyone else that knows me that I am gay a significant part of making myself vulnerable and a way to continue to bring down my wall. From my perspective at least, having an open or closed relationship already contemplates the dissolution of any heteronormative barrier that I once perceived.

    So I guess its just personal perception and how it emotional impacts us individually.
     
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