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Feeling guilty after the first time I had sex with a other man

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by earthguy, Sep 25, 2018.

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  1. earthguy

    earthguy
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    Did anyone else here ever feel guilty or ashamed after the first time they had anal sex with a other man?
     
    #1 earthguy, Sep 25, 2018
  2. Destin

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    Yea - I actually started crying right there in bed with him from the guilt. It was pretty awkward.
     
    #2 Destin, Sep 25, 2018
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  3. Chip

    Chip
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    I think shame is, unfortunately, a pretty common response for people having gay sex for the first time. There is so much in society, especially religious guilt, that drives the shame about being gay. It does, however, get better over time as you come to accept and love yourself.
     
    #3 Chip, Sep 26, 2018
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  4. Questions93

    Questions93
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    Yes! And the second, and third time.

    But once you realise that it is something to be enjoyed and that theres nothing wrong with it - things get better!
     
    #4 Questions93, Sep 26, 2018
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  5. earthguy

    earthguy
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    Questions93 Your from Ireland what part?
     
    #5 earthguy, Sep 26, 2018
  6. Chierro

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    I've been having sex with guys for almost three years now and I'll admit with a new guy, I still feel really weird afterwards. Like, I want them to leave, I want to not talk to them. I don't like feeling that way but it happens. It also goes away the more I get comfortable with a guy.

    My first time, the guy actually slept over and he had specifically driven up so as much as I wanted to have him just leave, I couldn't do that, so I slept terribly that night.
     
    #6 Chierro, Sep 26, 2018
  7. Destin

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    This actually happens to most people both straight and gay. No matter how good the sex is, afterwards you just want to kick them out of the bed and be left alone. It has an official name: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post-coital_tristesse
     
    #7 Destin, Sep 26, 2018
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  8. fadedstar

    fadedstar Guest

    I feel guilty and stupid for not having had sex yet like I squandered the best years of my life in terms of youth and fitness being depressed and reclusive. We're all going to die eventually any way,.
     
    #8 fadedstar, Sep 26, 2018
  9. Biguy45

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    I think there is a weird feeling you get after an orgasm. A hint of embarrassment maybe, I don’t know. It tends to go away fairly quickly but I usually don’t want anyone around then
     
    #9 Biguy45, Sep 26, 2018
  10. Totesgaybrah

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    Same here pretty much.
     
    #10 Totesgaybrah, Sep 26, 2018
  11. Stellardan

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    Yup. It actually made me go back to ny gf even though I enjoyed it.
     
    #11 Stellardan, Sep 26, 2018
  12. smurf

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    So this is very common and for the most part happens because people aren't taught what to do after sex. We don't see examples in movies of what happens right after someone cums. Think about it, when people have sex in the movies you will most likely spend a long time seeing how they get to the moment, them having sex, and usually it pans out to a day later or it just completely skips what happens right after orgasm.

    Its happens way more often when people experience shame about what they are doing. If you take the shame away, then this doesn't happen after sex. The shame can come from being a same-sex encounter, from being a hook up, from regretting the experience, etc.

    A thing I really enjoy doing is not waiting to have sex until the end of the date. Go have sex and then go out ice skating, watching the movie etc. It helps having something to do right after to learn how you can transition from sex to "regular" activities. Many people avoid this part because they feel its to "intimate" and they want to keep it "casual", but sex without some interaction after can be so dehumanizing. Just because you are vulnerable with someone for one night doesn't mean you have to fall in love with the person :slight_smile:
     
    #12 smurf, Sep 26, 2018
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  13. Chip

    Chip
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    It also helps to understand that there's an evolutionary, neurochemical reason for the shame response. Immediately after orgasm, the levels of oxytocin and serotonin, which have increased steadily as arousal gets stronger, suddenly drop off to close to zero. The sudden drop in the availability of those neurotransmitters is what creates the feelings of shame or guilt (or both.) And there was, from an evolutionary perspective, an important reason for this: If we hung around and cuddled after sex thosands of years ago, we might have gotten eaten by a bear. Or we might have had no incentive to go out and hunt for food.

    Once you understand that this is just an evolutionary leftover, it makes it a lot easier to let go of the uncomfortable feelings.
     
    #13 Chip, Sep 26, 2018
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  14. fadedstar

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    Does pacing the sexual activity or the strength of the orgasm have any influence on neurotransmitters left over in the brain after orgasm? I can relate to the shame/guilt feeling for sure, but there have been times where I feel completely drunk or euphoric post orgasm.
     
    #14 fadedstar, Sep 26, 2018
  15. Chip

    Chip
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    Let's put it this way: The interaction of neurotransmitters and how they impact mood and perception aren't fully understood, and we are still learning about how they function.

    What I can tell you is that some of the work involved with teaching people how to enhance orgasm, which involves specialized breathing, focused meditation, self-massage, and other factors, has a dramatic impact on how orgasm is experienced. That process is a mindful experience that basically slows things down and impacts neurotransmitter expression, which enhances the orgasm experience and intensity significantly. So I think it's safe to say that to some extent the pacing of sexual activity and the mindfulness of the experience definitely can have an impact on what the mental state is post-orgasm. What you're describing about feeling drunk or euphoric post-orgasm is, indeed, a byproduct of neurotransmitter expression. And at the same time, so is the shame/guilt feeling. But I don't think we fully understand (at least, I've not seen anything that fully explains) how those two disparate feelings coexist.
     
    #15 Chip, Sep 26, 2018
  16. earthguy

    earthguy
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    Thank you all for your reply. I think it some thing that happens to everyone. It happened first time I had man2man sex
     
    #16 earthguy, Sep 27, 2018
  17. Biguy45

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    I didn’t feel guilty at all the first time. I’m married now, so I definitely would but for different reasons
     
    #17 Biguy45, Sep 28, 2018
  18. Nickw

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    This is an interesting thread. I think there is a lot of truth to the biological response that does increase those feelings of "flatness" after sex.

    But, as a bisexual, I remember the first time I had sex with a woman. I did not feel guilty at all. Thrilled was more like it. So, I think there is still some societal induced shame that will be there too as other posters have said.

    The first time I fooled around with a guy for oral sex I felt horrible. Even though my wife was aware and approving. So, when I chose the first guy for intercourse, I decided I wouldn't feel this way again. We planned a multiday camping trip that would include my "first time". It was a wonderful weekend. There was something about feeling that the sex was just going to be part of a larger experience that tempered the feelings that have been expressed here.

    Smurf's advice is spot on. Don't make sex the last thing on the agenda.

    BTW, I love sleepovers. And, yep I have that strange feeling sleeping with a guy and wanting him gone. But, the next morning always makes up for it!
     
    #18 Nickw, Sep 28, 2018
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  19. Contented

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    I think you are just in the adjustment phase of your journey. We are so programmed to believe two men having sexual relations is somehow dirty, perverted or sinful that it is no wonder we feel ackward afterwards. I assure you that feeling passes especially quickly if you find that right someone. I have said before my homosexuality has given me the gift of happiness and contentment I wish the same for you and everyone seeking their authentic selves whatever that turns out to be.
     
    #19 Contented, Sep 28, 2018
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2018
  20. bibristol

    bibristol
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    yes I felt ashamed and sleazy afterwards the first few times with a guy, but that got less the more I accepted that I enjoyed what I was doing...
     
    #20 bibristol, Oct 11, 2018
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