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Can't Sleep. Eating me Up Inside.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Love4Ever, Aug 30, 2018.

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  1. Love4Ever

    Love4Ever
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    Thank you so much! I hope that you will reach a point someday where you feel safe enough to do so yourself.
     
    #61 Love4Ever, Sep 16, 2018
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  2. Love4Ever

    Love4Ever
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    Thank you!
     
    #62 Love4Ever, Sep 17, 2018
  3. Love4Ever

    Love4Ever
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    UPDATE
    So I feel really good about coming out. I will say though something I've learned about coming out is that I now feel more upset when people assume I'm straight. I actually felt really frustrated at work a few weeks ago when a woman I work with mentioned something about my future husband and all I could think was, "what?! Why does everyone assume I'm straight? I'm not straight! And I felt really irritated for the first time ever she would just assume I was straight. And then I realized...that's how everyone sees me. As a straight girl at work. I think that was my first big bi invisibility moment and it felt bad. Now I'm out to two people I want to be out to more. I am guessing it's only a matter of time before I probably will end up coming out to one of my coworkers. I think she already maybe suspects. She knows I watch a lot of gay movies etc, and when I had lunch with another female colleague, (purely platonically), and we came into together I think I might have made her suspicious. I was looking gayer than usual that day, (I was wearing a baseball cap AND a flannel), neither of which I've worn in combination to work before. So yeah, I feel like she might be next because she may ask.
     
    #63 Love4Ever, Sep 18, 2018
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2018
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  4. Jude B

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    My experience with coming out so far has been that it’s like a snowball rolling down a hill. The urge to come out more builds up because it’s such a thrill/relief. As the snowball expands, the more I feel like I can be myself: a white, fluffy, bi... snowball... Okay, maybe that wasn’t the best analogy, but I’m sure you get what I mean. XD
     
    #64 Jude B, Sep 18, 2018
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  5. Love4Ever

    Love4Ever
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    This makes sense. I also don't think I really thought about how much I get "passing" privilege as a "straight" girl. Everyone assumes I'm straight and since it looks like a girlfriend will be something in my future hopefully at some point, I'm going to have to learn how to interact with the world all over again when people assume my partner is male. I'm going to have to learn how to navigate and deal with the fact that assumptions might be made about my sexuality and that I will probably have to come out to people to explain to them that I am not hetero, which is our society's default. I never really thought about having to deal with this, but it's something I won't be able to avoid. I'm going to have to deal with people maybe being surprised I bring a girlfriend to events requiring a date, I'm going to have to deal with people possibly staring if I hold her hand in public. I'll have to consider if I adopt a child one day, whether the agency will discriminate against me for bringing my (possible) wife with me. So many things. It's a good thing I don't really give a hoot what anyone thinks, because I forsee dealing with a lot of potential crap.
     
    #65 Love4Ever, Sep 18, 2018
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  6. Jude B

    Jude B
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    I agree. Being white is like having dark sunglasses on. You can see the world, but only so much of it. When coming out, the tint lightens up a bit on the sunglasses.

    I’m not saying that it’s a good or bad thing; it’s just that our perception of the world changes.

    Now, we’re in a minority group, one that receives quite a bit of unwarranted discrimination/hate. But, of course, that depends on where you live.
     
    #66 Jude B, Sep 18, 2018
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  7. Love4Ever

    Love4Ever
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    Yup. A big part of this is why I feel particularly frustrated when someone says I could just "choose" to live as straight. Like, am I really going to give up the potential love of my life to satisfy other people? Why would I do that? If I meet a girl I want to be with then I will.
     
    #67 Love4Ever, Sep 18, 2018
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  8. Love4Ever

    Love4Ever
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    Thankfully I don't live in a terrible area. It's not great by any means but it could be worse. And I don't plan on living her forever. I'm moving after I graduate. I always planned to. I don't like living here and never really have.
     
    #68 Love4Ever, Sep 18, 2018
  9. Jude B

    Jude B
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    Ikr? Sometimes, I see positive LGBTQ+ news and I think, “Wow. Society’s really moving forward.”

    Then, I hear stuff like that (whether it’s directed at one of my friends or myself) and I’m like wtf? Why would you say something like that?! :angry:
     
    #69 Jude B, Sep 18, 2018
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  10. Love4Ever

    Love4Ever
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    I know. It's frustrating. I'm also in a weird place now where I COULD date men pretty easily if I tried hard enough. I could probably find a straight dude to go out with me. But I just don't want to. I don't like any of the men I could date and am very picky with men. So even though I could date men I am not going to just because it's easy. Because I'd actually rather date a woman. I find men attractive but am starting to realize I'm probably homoromantic.
     
    #70 Love4Ever, Sep 18, 2018
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  11. Jude B

    Jude B
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    Yeah. Now that I’m partially out as bi, it seems like I’m more interested in girls now, because I’m finally open to testing the waters. I want to see what it’s like, ya know?
     
    #71 Jude B, Sep 18, 2018
  12. Jude B

    Jude B
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    I love the conversation that we’ve been having and I didn’t want to just randomly leave, but I’ve gotta go to bed. It’s one in the morning where I’m at.

    We should definitely talk again soon. You seem pretty chill. Ttyl.
     
    #72 Jude B, Sep 18, 2018
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  13. Love4Ever

    Love4Ever
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    Hey no prob. :slight_smile: Feel free to post on my wall whenever you want.
     
    #73 Love4Ever, Sep 19, 2018
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  14. beenthrdonetht

    beenthrdonetht
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    But please do! (If safe.) Is there anything more romantic?
     
    #74 beenthrdonetht, Sep 20, 2018
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  15. Love4Ever

    Love4Ever
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    Oh I will! I really want to. I don't care what they think, I will just have to get used to the fact that people will probably notice. Oh well.
     
    #75 Love4Ever, Sep 20, 2018
  16. earthguy

    earthguy
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    Love4Ever I'm not out to my parents but maybe you should tell them to their face. If you want to come out of the closet. This just my thought.
     
    #76 earthguy, Sep 24, 2018
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  17. DragonBoys

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    Agreed. Writing also acts as a barrier against your own emotions so they don't get in the way of your thought process. Face-to-face communication of something this important can be quite scary as anxiety and fear might cloud your thoughts and make it harder to really articulate what you wanted to say and how you wanted to say it. Writing makes it a little easier to bear, even if you have to write several, several drafts. You just kinda...send one out there after long hours of thinking it over and wait the next painful few hours for a reply. It's emotionally exhausting but well-worth it.
     
    #77 DragonBoys, Sep 24, 2018
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  18. DragonBoys

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    Congrats on coming out! Feel that anxiety wash from you with a wave of relief. It's awesome that your mom took the news well, but I understand how it can be awkward if she doesn't really "understand" bisexuality or multi-gender attraction. My mom's just like that and insists that I should "choose" whom I'm attracted to (as if it's a choice...) and that I'm more likely to cheat because I'll "wake up one day and decide to leave my SO to be with a man/woman" BS.

    But aside from that, I'm really happy that it went well for you.
     
    #78 DragonBoys, Sep 24, 2018
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  19. Love4Ever

    Love4Ever
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    Thank you! I think she just doesn't understand because I liked boys for so long. And now I like girls too. So it confuses her because she assumed I was straight. But I don't think she cares what gender I end with. She just said she'd have to process it, because it's new to her.
     
    #79 Love4Ever, Sep 24, 2018
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  20. Love4Ever

    Love4Ever
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    I ended up coming out to my mom by text. She took it well. She said she would need time to adjust but she's fine with it. I will tell my dad later. He will be okay with it because he's said he never cared who either me or my sister ends up with. But explaining it to him would probably be more complicated than to just bring home a girl and say "Hey Dad, look we're dating!" Lol.
     
    #80 Love4Ever, Sep 24, 2018
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