I'm pretty new to the game with "romantic" relationships. I'm 35 and have been dating this woman for 4 months. I know that we will have differences of opinion and not get along, but I've been asking myself if I really like this person or not. I thought that if I really liked someone it would be a little easier then this. I keep thinking if relationships are really this hard, why do people do them? Which leads me to think people are crazy or relationships shouldn't be this hard or I'm just not ready for one. 1. Drinking: I like to relax with a drink or two at the end of the day. While I know that's not very good for me, I like to do it. Very early on in my relationship with my girlfriend she tells me stories of her mom being an alcoholic, her sister, many of her exes, and how she herself used to drink and do illegal drugs. One day she came over, after I knew all the information about drinking in her past) and saw that I had maybe 6 beers in the refrigerator. Then a couple of days later she was over again and I was out of beer. She commented on that saying she didn't know I was such a big drinker. This made me feel a bit self conscientious because I knew she didn't want another person in her life that drank too much. Now when she comes over I find myself emptying the recycling because I don't want her to see the empties. She claims she can tell when people have been drinking by their eyes and has made other comments too. I don't know why I feel judged by her, but I do and no one has ever caused this feeling inside me before. Is it because I want her to like me? 2. We hardly ever laugh: I'm not sure our sense of humor is on the same page. Sometimes I laugh at stuff just because I know she thinks it funny. I just feel if I really liked someone I would be laughing with them a lot more and feeling like I was on cloud 9. 3. I'm getting yelled at for innocent things that I do. She is a medical assistant and would tell me stories of patients sometimes and these stories are innocent too and no names are mentioned. We were with her friends at a barbecue and I said "her name, told me that this lady was eating an apple in the examination room, isn't that gross?" Later she me not to talk about anything she says about patients and I felt scolded, because what I said had nothing to do with a diagnosis, or have a persons name attached to it. I've been around other medical professionals who tells stories about patients too. I know the hipaa law and nothing was being violated. She's been saying "your like a little kid" a lot with an annoyance in her voice. She wanted a new car so we went car shopping. I would play with all the buttons, check out the back of the cars and find all the little hiding spots. While I was in the show room waiting for a sales person I would open the cars up and look inside and apparently that annoyed her. So I guess I feel like I'm getting yelled at for being myself. 3. Her anxiety and drama Almost from day one of knowing her I feel like 80% of our conversations are about her and 90% of those are about her drama with her friends that she broke up with. Something happened with these friends and I've been hearing about the hurt and betrayal for 4 months. I've tried to be supportive, but today she sent me a picture asking me if so and so looked distant. I I told her that she was reading too much into the picture. I found the person to be smiling. She went off on me through text saying I was calling her crazy. I went on to say that I've been hearing about this drama for a long time and maybe she should go talk to a therapist, because I can't keep validating her feelings on this subject. Especially when I'm starting to think the problem was her more than them. I said this constant obsession is effecting me negatively and her response was to keep her problems to herself for now on. Then she said I don't understand because these people were like family to her and that she doesn't need me to validate her feelings. Which I was thinking then why did you send me a picture and ask we a question. I told her that I like it when my feelings are validated and that seeing a therapist was a good way to get an unbiased opinion on a subject. Note: I take anxiety and depression medicine and also have seen therapist, so it's not like I haven't done this and think she's crazy. I was trying to tell her that I can't handle all of her emotional baggage on my shoulders and her response was that she just wants someone to listen, which I have been doing and now I can't hear the same complaints over and over again anymore about these friends of hers. 4. sex I don't know what attracted me to her in the first place, but it wasn't her physical appearance. I don't think I get turned on by that. I even think I might be a little Asexual even though I think about sex a lot. So I haven't been able to orgasm with her and whenever we are fooling around she becomes obsessed with this which puts pressure on me to orgasm, which cause the whole thing to fail. I also don't like oral sex or the smells. I like laying next to someone and cuddling, but I don't mind having sex I just hate that she won't listen to me in that I don't care if I orgasm and it's not her it's me. 5. She doesn't remember anything I say. At least that's what it feels like. I have told her things about myself more than a couple times and she says "I didn't know that" and I tell her I told you this before. It makes me feel like she's not listening to me. There are other things but this is a big long post as it is. So are these red flags for more serious problems down the road? I feel like I have more dislikes about the relationship then likes, which is why I'm writing this. Shouldn't I be over the moon about the person I'm dating? Shouldn't I be making people sick with me talking about how great this person is?
I don't think two people need to be 100% compatible but it shouldn't be a lot of work or give and take either. From what you've said if this is how it is a majority of time this seems like a lot of work to keep it going.
Hi @ajw347. What attracted you to your girlfriend in the first place? What are the positives in the relationship?
Yep, so this is the "gut" feeling that people talk about. Listen to this. From what you are saying, this doesn't feel like it will be the best relationship for you. It seems like you guys have no chemistry and just don't mesh. Also, keep in mind that the first 3 - 6 months are suppoused to be the easiest part of a relationship. With that in mind, start to learn to listen to your gut a bit. Time to consider ending the relationship The good news, you now know very clearly what you don't like! That is fantastic because experience is the only way to figure out how you like your relationship to feel like. I mean, many people experience relationships differently. But yes, over all, you should be happy about your relationship. You should feel giddy about spending time with her, excited about the thought of her, etc. This is a HUGE red flag. When people do this, they put you in the corner of having to "proof" that you aren't a kid and that your opinion matters. Its belittling, it can be dehumanizing and it shows that the person hasn't learnt how to express their frustration in a healthy way. They use shame as a weapon so make you stop. That shit will tear a relationship down faster than you can imagine. Also, for the future, start being vocal about the way you feel. It seems like you have remained quiet a lot of the times that problems arise. Its probably because its your first relationship, but keep an eye out on that. You should feel safe to speak up and say "wow, that is rude. Why are you saying that?" or even "Do not speak to me that way. I understand you are frustrated, but that is not the way to handle it" Nope, relationships are not supposed to be that hard. With my husband, I truly feel completely me and free. He allows me to recharge so I can continue tackling the rest of the world. To me spending time with him is, for the most part, is an absolute treat. We have been together for 7 years now and it has been some of the best years of my life (keep in mind im 28 so lol) I say this because I do want you to know that relationships are not supposed to be painful or feel like a cage. They are hard work and it takes a lot to make them work, but it should feel worth fighting for. If you aren't feeling that, its time to move on
I don't know really. We meet in a hiking club, and then started texting and flirting over text. We have always seemed to be better texting then actually talking to each other. This little blow up was over text though. And I'll admit that I don't like conflict so I try to let things go just in case the issue was a one time thing. I guess I liked that we liked to do the same things.
OK, given your last reply I definitely agree with the previous posters. The biggest concerns for me are these: I think it's great that you've been able to put your concerns into words so clearly. Remember it's all good practice for the next one! For what it's worth, I also don't think it's likely from what you've said that you're 'a bit asexual', you're just not attracted to this woman.
She does keep saying I met her at a strange time in her life, because she realizes that she's been negative and I have mono and just moved into a house that needs a lot of work, which causes me stress. Maybe I should suggest taking a break so I can get better from the mono and work on the house without distraction and she can work out what her issues are.
I think a break sounds like a really good idea. To be honest, she sounds rather judgmental, which you don't need. Additionally, given her history, the alcohol use is likely to be triggering for her, which will likely be an ongoing problem. Also, you might want to take a look at whether you're having "a drink or two" or whether you're having three or four; more than one or two, especially if it's every night, would be indicative of a developing problem, which is a lot easier to address now than if you ignore it and wait a year or two.
