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where to go to meet other lesbians/bisexuals

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Elle993, Sep 23, 2018.

  1. Elle993

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    I am married with children and realized about a year ago that I am either bisexual or a lesbian. I have not talked to my husband about this yet as I am still trying to sort out my understanding of my sexual orientation. I’m curious if there are recommendations on how to find lesbian friends in the community. I know I could go to meetup.com but am nervous joining a lesbian themed group since I have not talked with my husband or anyone else for that matter about my sexual orientation. I feel like it would be helpful to be around others identifying as bisexual or lesbian and make friends but not sure where to start.
     
  2. Rade

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    Hello Elle
    I'm in the opposite situation too you!! Bi/gay nale, separated from wife, co parent, same house. I'm in the UK, been to my first meet up last Friday. The one I joined it's mixed sexes so gay men and women. I found this easier.
    I recommend you go to one of the meets. Though I came out to my wife and we tried to stay together but she couldn't cope/ manage it. In my case it was six months in her knowing before my first meet. It's hard I know but you have to follow your heart . My kids, 3 of them aged 13, 10 and 6. I don't think their coping well but I'm sure they will in the end.
    My ex even has a new boyfriend!!
    This is only my opinion, it might be worth having some counselling and then talk to your husband or otherway round. Or do you have a close friend you could confide to?
    There are dating Apps but I have not rrtri any.
    If you wish to talk more just reply
    Warm regards Rade
     
  3. LaurenG

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    Same boat as you and I wish I could talk with others like me.
     
  4. Elle993

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    Good to hear what others are going through. I have not been happy for a long time and in the last year starting to finally figure things out for myself. There are problems in my marriage. I do not feel an emotional or physical connection with him and we finally started going to couples counseling a few months ago. He is trying to connect but I am still not feeling it with him. That is a very simple summary but right now I do not feel comfortable talking with him about my sexual orientation when I don’t 100% understand what I am feeling. I know I need to... I’m just not there yet. I’m hoping the counseling will help. I’m nervous about the meet ups because I haven’t admitted being gay to anyone except my personal therapist. I worry someone I know might see me there. I have a sister I am close with but can’t seem to tell her either. Feeling stuck

     
  5. Elle993

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    Yes - I feel like it would help if I had like minded friends and it’s hard because I have been with my husband for over 13 years and it’s difficult to get out there and find a community of people to connect with.

     
  6. Rade

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    Hi Elle
    Don't rush into any decision you have time. It took me a few years to get my head together. I'm only out to some friends, some work colleagues and some family . When I went to the meet up I felt the same about someone seeing me but I'm at a point where I would just tell them....
    I wanted to stay in my marriage and invite another guy to join us but my ex wife was a one guy at a time person, fair enough!!
    I still wonder sometimes, have I done the right thing. But I do feel free now.
    Rade
     
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  7. Elle993

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    I feel like a time will come where I can tell my husband and we will likely separate. I’m not ready to talk with him but getting closer...definitely making movement it’s just slow going. But not going to do anything impulsive with children involved. I anticipate things are going to be very hard and difficult but also freeing. I just wish there was an easy way to meet others while staying quiet about my sexual orientation. I realize the difficulty in that wish.
     
  8. Rade

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    Are you able to plan ahead and put some money aside incase you need to leave suddenly?
    We co parent in same house but I did save some money incase my ex kicked me out .
    Are your children young?
    It is hard as it seems meet up or apps are the main options. Where I am there are only 2 a month so it's slow process making LGBT friends.
    I do things that make me happier like running and it keeps me positive.
    Rade
     
  9. Elle993

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    I’m starting to think about these things and organize and plan for any possibility. It doesn’t feel good to prepare for it but I realize it’s a possibility and wouldn’t want to get stuck without. I recently transitioned from a part time job with no benefits to full time job with insurance and benefits so I could have something more stable if I end up on my own. I have 3 kids that are under 7 years old so it’s hard. I think I struggle with not wanting to be away from them and if he doesn’t want to co-parent then we would have to split our time with them and that scares me the most.
     
  10. Rade

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    Your doing well and great for you sorting your work life out, very forward planning......
    Eventually your husband may move out in the future so your children keep in their surroundings. Like I said we co parent in same house but it not easy . Or he may stay and you both co parent for a time.
    We have a rule that my ex wife does not bring her boyfriend in our house. If one of us wants to go out for the evening the other one always stays home to keep stability for the kids and no child minders.
    This may only work for so long. I want to meet another guy eventually and perhaps even get married. We take it a week at a time .
    Rade
     
  11. Really

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    Hey @Elle993

    Welcome to EC. As you’ll have already found, there’s lots of helpful people willing to share their experiences and support.

    I don’t have relevant relationship advice but I’ll tell you a bit about my experience with Meetup. Also note, I’m not out. So...

    When I first wanted to check out the lgbt meetups, I decided I’d rather start with one focussed on an activity I’m interested in (running in my case) and that was for women only. It turned out not to be for women only but did, in fact, have gay women participating. Having the activity the primary purpose of the Meetup made it much easier to become comfortable around all who showed up each week.

    After that, I specifically chose a lesbian/bi group that does all sorts of things. I’ve probably been to maybe 10 of their events, only choosing those which appeal to me (because who needs to start off not enjoying what you’re doing, right?). It’s not always the same people at each event but I’ll tell you something that we forget when we let ourselves overthink our situation, people are just people. Some are friendly, some are boring and some have some strong opinions that I could do without. ;] It’s really quite unremarkable. Nobody has asked about my “story” or approached any topic at all personal and if I should happen to see anyone I know while out with them, I’m 100% confident none of them would do anything to out me. Even if they all appeared demonstrably gay, there’s no reason that couldn’t just be a coincidence.

    Anyway, what I’m saying is that the Meetup groups are quite a relaxed way to meet other lgbt women with little to no risk of anything untoward happening.

    Food for thought. :slight_smile:
     
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  12. Forlong

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    Hi and welcome to EC :slight_smile:

    I’m in the same boat as you @Elle993, if there’s any advice I could give you to be patient. I think having time to prepare and figure out what’s best for you and your kids. No decisions you make are going to easy and someone is likely not going to like it. Hoping for the best for you and your children *Big Hugs*
     
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  13. Elle993

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    Thank you. This is very helpful. I had signed up for my first meetup a couple months ago for a women’s only rock climbing activity. I was hoping it would provide the opportunity to meet others while doing something I wanted to do anyway. I noticed the same meetup for this week has some ladies going that also list being members of other lgbt type groups. Unfortunately I can’t go to the one this week but this has me hopeful. I want to get out there and do more things for myself again and this could be a good way to do it and potentially meet some new like minded friends. I am training for a half marathon right now so maybe I can find a women’s running group. :slight_smile:

     
  14. Elle993

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    Thank you! I’m glad I finally found an online group where I can explore these feelings. This has already been helpful hearing from others. One day at a time. :slight_smile:
     
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  15. Stuck42

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    I am in almost an identical situation. My problem is that I live in a small town in the the Midwest...no lgbt groups anywhere near my area. I use this site to talk about things but it’s hard when you really want to get out and meet people. But...I’m stuck too, hence my profile name.
     
  16. Really

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    Sounds perfect! Good luck and have fun! :slight_smile:
     
  17. Broccoli

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    My city has a monthly group at the LGBT community centre designed especially for women who are questioning their sexual identity or thinking about coming out. I'm in a similar position to you in that I've just recently realised I'm gay as an adult (but my situation is much simpler because I don't have a partner or children) and I am planning to attend the next one. Perhaps worth checking where there's anything similar within travelling distance of where you live?
     
  18. Peterpangirl

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    Elle993 - I am curious as to how you made the realisation that you are either gay or a lesbian? Once the penny had dropped with me it was about 6 months before I discussed it with my stbx husband. It was a really internal struggle for me to own this about myself. I think when you are married with children it is much harder to accept because of the repercussions. Even though I have been unofficially separated and living in the same house as my ex for close to 2 years and the children have known for close to 1 year and I have been dating a woman for just over a year, I still find it hard some days to own my gayness. My ex now has a place close by to move to (he is moving out slowly). Meanwhile I am in a longish distance relationship. I am still ambivalent towards my sexual orientation. Now that I have been in a physical relationship with a woman I can say that the physical aspect is so much more intuitive and close for me than it has ever been with a man. I cannot currently imagine having a sexual relationship with a man again and yet I wonder if I will ever get past my ambivalence - due to it being a very significant (though not sole) factor in the marriage breakdown.
     
    #18 Peterpangirl, Sep 24, 2018
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2018
  19. Elle993

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    Peterpangirl - I struggle because I am still not 100% sure what I am feeling and I am nervous at times that it's just curiosity or built up in my mind. I have a recent thread under the Sexual Orientation forum titled "I am married and might be a lesbian" trying to explore some of those questions. I had what I thought were "friend" crushes in the past and one of those crushes felt just as strong if not stronger than any crush I felt for a guy or girl. I really started to question my sexuality and wanted to explore but didn't know how and then I met my now husband and pushed those feelings away. I have been with him for 13 years and while there have been questions and curiosities here and there live was crazy busy with kids that I didn't focus on it. About a year ago I started to feel strong attractions toward specific women again and it has snow balled for me.. I can't stop thinking about it. I have never been with a woman so I worry it's just in my head. What I do know is that I never felt aroused from reading a heterosexual romance scene in a book or watching a romance scene in a movie/show but I get aroused when it's a lesbian couple. I'm not big into romance books but just reading all sorts of books etc... to try and figure this out. I want to tell my husband but I'm not feeling close in our relationship so it's hard to open up to someone when you feel you can't be vulnerable in front of them... a whole other thing I am working on with myself.
     
  20. Elle993

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    We do have a LGBT community center but I have been to nervous to go to any of the meetings and also didn’t see one that fit my description “later in life questioning sexuality and oh yeah married” It might be the wrong approach but was hoping to find more friends that are gay/bisexual and go from there. Maybe I’ll email the center and see what resources that have that might fit my needs.