First gay date, feeling more confused than ever now

First of all, I'm sorry the date wasn't how you hoped it would be, that's always a bummer no matter what!

Secondly, I don't think that it says anything about your sexuality and deep down you probably know it too. The more likely "culprits" here seem to be just not having the right chemistry with that particular person(which I understand is common) and also you not being emotionally open and available because of things keeping you back(like those past feelings you mentioned) and some insecurity, fear, anxiety about starting to date women and letting yourself be vulnerable with people who might actually end up mattering to you.

I have some abandonment issues, fear of loss(from my childhood and teenage years, mostly related to my father, who wasn't around much and then he died one year after my grandfather - who was closer to me even - died) and have felt(rightfully so I'm afraid) deserted or used by friends in the past, with very few(if any) significant positive experiences to counter the bad ones. These things have become a part of me and even though therapy has made me better about opening up and stuff, it's just naturally difficult for me to be truly vulnerable, to open myself emotionally(in a way I cannot control or even realise I am doing). The point is that this is partly why I rarely feel interested in someone and even though love and intimacy are things I have lacked all my life and really need and want, it's difficult opening up enough to actually feel something and connect once the opportunity is right there. Ofc, as a small disclaimer, I'm not an expert, no one's ever wanted to date me but I noticed this when trying speed dating for quite some time and when looking at online dating options and even when meeting people in general.

So what i meant to showcase is that, without you being aware, the problem might not be your sexuality at all but rather other things and just ...finding that person boring.

 

I’ve met I think 5 or 6 now and one I met 4 times and still didn’t feel a great deal. I too was expecting to find answers and to get confirmation so to speak. Maybe I just didn’t click with any of them enough or I think for me, I need a lot more time to get to know someone and let them in, so am focusing more on friends at the moment and just getting out there and meeting people. I do also struggle to be vulnerable and let people in.

 

If you imagine your experience was that of a straight girl with a guy, how she'd be describing it is: "I went on a date with this guy. It was OK - he was a nice guy - but it was kind of boring and there was no real spark. Plus I'm not sure if I gave him a fair chance because I'm still not really over this other guy I like". She'd probably be feeling a bit down that it hadn't been a great date and now she was going to have to keep on putting the effort in to try and meet people.

What point am I making?
1) Bad dates are common and are no reason to question your sexuality - the straight girl in my example certainly wouldn't be!
2) It's perfectly fine and normal to feel down afterwards. You'd just put yourself out to spend time with someone and feel like you're back to square one. Be kind to yourself and just get out there and try again when you're ready.

 

Agree with the other replies above. My first date with a woman definitely wasn't the best. It wasn't the worst either but the girl and I didn't click romantically and even though it may have been disappointing at the time it never made me question my sexuality and validity as a queer woman and shouldn't make you question yours either.

I have been on dates with dozens of women since and may click with only 2% of them romantically. If we were into every girl crossing our pathl lifewould be pretty boring to be fair.

I actually enjoy going on dates with women I don't see romantically now are they are very good practise for when the right one will eventually come around! And trust me, when you will finally click with a girl on a date, and it will definetely happen, you will have that feeling you are looking for, but in the meantime use dates as practise or as a nice way to meet people and make queer friends. Those queers friends probably have other queer friends amongst whom potentially your Mrs right so I would look at it that way.