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Bisexual who only wants to date women?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Love4Ever, Sep 19, 2018.

  1. Love4Ever

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    So I've basically concluded that even though I'm bi, I only want a female partner. I still identify as bi though because I find men sexually attractive. I don't want to call myself a lesbian because I'm not. But I only want to be in relationships with women.
     
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  2. Leah061

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    I mean, if the label bisexual feels right to you, then that's really all that matters. Even if you know you never want to date a man again, of course you can still call yourself bi if that feels authentic to you. If there is a particular label that stands out to you, or feels like home in some way, there is probably a reason for that. However, I wonder why it is that you don't want to date men when you know that you're sexually attracted to them?
     
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  3. Love4Ever

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    Because I don't feel emotionally attached to them the same way. I don't feel as fulfilled in other ways with men. When I imagine myself with a woman, going on dates with one, being together as a couple, I feel more comfortable and happy. I just don't feel that way with men. I'm basically homoromantic.
     
    #3 Love4Ever, Sep 19, 2018
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2018
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  4. Love4Ever

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    For me, with men it's mostly sexual and aesthetic. I like the way men look but I love the way women make me feel.
     
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  5. Love4Ever

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    I didn't realize this until I spent some time with some guys and was approached by a guy who found me attractive. Aside from the fact I didn't find him attractive personally, I also realized when I went out with another guy on friend "dates" that I wasn't enjoying being with him in even a semblance of a date. It wasn't an actual date but it got me in the mindset of thinking, "this is what going out with a guy feels like", and I didn't like it. I was unhappy. I would have preferred to be out with a woman instead and was glad when our outings ended. I actually found an excuse to go home early one time, (which I'm aware makes me sound like a terrible person), because I was not having fun and was really bored. I now don't see either of these guys anymore and have no desire to. I now don't feel good about going out with a guy again. Every time I think about going out with a man I feel frustrated, unhappy, and unfulfilled.
     
    #5 Love4Ever, Sep 19, 2018
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2018
  6. Leah061

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    I mean, your original post here was about identifying as bi but only wanting to date women, which of course is totally valid, and plenty of people feel the exact same way. I just want to point out that based on what you've written, it doesn't seem like you're all that into men when it comes to real life situations.

    Personally, I think that if this is how you feel about men, it may be worth asking yourself if you're really into them. Especially when you say you have opposite feelings about women (imagining being with them and feeling happy). It's easy to find men attractive and assume that means you have sexual feelings for them (not saying that's what you're doing, just speaking generally). After all, sexuality is about more than just sex, it's about who you love and who you want to be with, and if men aren't part of that, maybe there's something to be looked into.

    This is all just my opinion, I'm obviously not telling you what you are, or pretending that I know your feelings better than you do. I'm not trying to suggest you're not really bi, or just on your way to "becoming gay".
     
  7. Love4Ever

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    No, thank you. I posted this looking for honest opinions. I wanted to see how someone else might see this. I appreciate the feedback and I don't feel that your response was implying anything. The truth is, I've spent my whole life fantasizing about men. But I actually am somewhat embarrassed to say I never actually dated any men for a bunch of reasons mostly because I moved a lot and all kinds of stuff. Then I finally had men who were flirting with me and that I went out with and I was just so disappointed. I'd built it up to be something great and it's like I realized, this is it? I've gone out with female friends and had way more fun with them. I think your point about relationships being about love is very important. I have always felt that way and I always assumed that would fall into place with men along with the sexual attraction. But it hasn't.
     
  8. Love4Ever

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    The weird thing is I know I'm sexually attracted to men because I really find looking at them arousing. I actually find men more overall aesthetically good looking than women most of the time, but I feel wrong with them in real life and as companions the majority of the time. I'm so confused!
     
  9. Love4Ever

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    I also am only interested in for lack of a better term I'll call "lesbian style sex". I am not interested in the typical kind of hetero sex. At all. The type of sexual activities I want are the kind that lesbians do lots of and straight men way less of. And I know it would be way easier to find a woman who would want the kind of sex I want than a man who would be into that.
     
  10. Leah061

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    I think it's really common to build relationships with people up in your head, and then be disappointed by them in real life. I mean, one of the reasons I finally understood I wasn't really into guys was because I realized that I didn't actually like being with them in person. I was so confused as to why that was, because I could see myself with some faceless, generically attractive man, in my head, and it seemed like I was happy. I had to keep dating them and feeling vaguely unhappy for so long before I even wondered if I was ever attracted to them in the first place.

    I have also spent a lot of my life fantasizing about men, lots of gay identifying women have. We're taught that we're supposed to have those feelings for men, so we cling to whatever tiny shred of attraction we can feel for men, and assume we're genuinely attracted to them. But when it comes to reality, I don't feel right being with them. It's easy to feel aroused by people when it's all in your head. It's another story when it happens for real. Maybe for you, this means that you just need more experience with men, not that you have to date them if you don't want to (as that is the literal title of this thread). Maybe it also means you should see how things go with women.
     
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  11. Love4Ever

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    Thank you for the last part. I really don't want to do anything because I feel like I should or I have to. And I would never date a man out of a misplaced obligation. I know that now and I'm glad I didn't feel like I had to go out with men for any reason other than I want to.
     
  12. Love4Ever

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    I already feel like going out with a woman would be better. I actually feel excited thinking about going out with a woman. I think it would be really nice. I can picture the whole thing. I also really want to know what kissing a woman is like. I've never been kissed by anyone but I imagine a woman's kiss would feel pretty amazing.
     
  13. natnet

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    Is theee any possibility of any discomfort, trauma, or bonding problems with male figures earlier in life?

    Experiences like that can imprint unconsciously and, while they don’t change sexual orientation, they can interfere with consciously feeling safe and comfortable in emotionally vulnerable situations such as relationships.

    That would be the most common explanation for what you are experiencing.
     
  14. Cinnamon Bunny

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    I think what you're doing is fine. Maybe you don't have all the answers, but you know pursuing a women is something you want and would be happy with.

    I'm in a similar boat, not exact. I identify as bi but strongly lean towards women. I have felt attraction to men in real life, but I haven't dated them (not really) so I feel uncertain due to lack of experience. I have more experience with women so I feel confident being happy with that. I'm in a place where I want to date women but if the right guy comes along I wont say "no".

    Its okay to make a choice and just move forward in life. If you find a guy you like then you can make a choice again.
     
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  15. Silver Snow

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    So maybe you’re bisexual and homoromantic?
     
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  16. Mihael

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    Yes, do what makes you happy. This whole bi-gay thing is about it, so don't feel obligated to do anything.
    I have similar feelings tbh. But I'm not sure I find guys all that sexually attractive any more.
    That being said, I prefer to identify as bi, because I'm open to date a guy if I happen to meet a guy with whom everyhting works out, and it happens, but rarely. I also tried to meet up with lesbians, but I found all this talk about being a woman and femininity dysphoria-inducing. So... I guess I'd rather hope I meet a bi or gay woman in some everyday situation.
     
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  17. notaprincess06

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    Well, I do think there might be a bit of a societal reason behind this or some internalized slightly traumatic experience, something that maybe deep down has made you a bit more distrustful and negative towards men in general than average. That's fine too of course and it might not be that but I'm saying because there's all sorts of men out there so for sure there's technically men who you could get along with and stuff, based on the fact that you are bisexual.

    I'm sort of similar to you in that I'm most definitely bisexual, I've been in love with men(well, they didn't like me back so I couldn't experience being with any but the feelings were genuine and strong) and I actually get along with men, I have things in common with men(like hobbies for ex) and I'm pretty "masculine". However, I feel that I would definitely prefer having a relationship with a woman because my needs and desires are more fit for that and I am more interested in being sexual with women, it is more appealing to me in every way(but sex with men is still appealing as well). I also feel the chances of a woman being as emotionally open and involved as I am are greater than the chances of a man being that way(not because they lack the basic capacity but because of gender norms holding them back). I also can't and will never accept even an ounce of sexism or sexist attitudes and while I am not dominant, I'm also not submissive.

    But I am still open to being with men, there's sensitive, non sexist men out there and that I could certainly have good relationships with and I definitely want to experience sex with both men and women. I'm just more interested in women and being in a serious relationship with women rather than men, for various reasons.
     
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  18. Nickw

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    Loveforever

    I sort of made the same decision when I was younger. That I was more into women as partners because of the way they made me feel. Not just the sexual attraction but all of it.

    I wouldn't say I'm a hetero romantic. I know the right guy could push all my buttons...if he actually existed...

    The question that I would ask is this. As a bisexual could you go through life and not experience your full sexuality? I couldn't. I did need to experience same sex intimacy.

    At this point, you don't have to just choose. You can do what you want with who you want and it's all good! Is there someone you've been interested in? That always would drive my attractions.
     
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  19. Biguy45

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    If I was single I’d probably be more interested in women for dating. Part of that is probably because it would be easier and is what I’m used to. No plans for a divorce, so it’s all theoretical
     
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  20. Love4Ever

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    No. I actually have a wonderful father and plenty of great male relatives. All of the men I have ever known have always been kind and respectful to me. I have never been hurt by a man in any way. I actually used to think men made more sense to me then women only because I didn't like stereotypical things a lot of girls were into. It wasn't until recently I just felt my attraction to men go down a lot and my desire to date a woman increase.