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I have a very hard time accepting myself as a lesbian woman

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by GoldenDawnn, Sep 17, 2018.

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  1. GoldenDawnn

    GoldenDawnn
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    Hi yall,

    Long time lurker but now it's my time of posting my story here. The weird thing is even as a small child i knew i was gay. I kinda remember even telling my mom and she was sort of alright saying if it was the case i could bring my girlfriend over. But I doubt that she took it very seriously. Actually my childhood was pretty bad and even though this day i have a negative relationship to my parents. I always have had a lot of problems with my mother who i found out has a narcissistic personality. Its i think hard of other people to understand what it means growing up with such a parent. My mom was and is very negative, judgemental, overbearing, fake person....My dad is the type who is a pushover, a doormat. They both are unhappy, have a lot of shame. Have even a unhealthy relationship with eachother. Its only that there is no open communication, no trust. So i never really felt accepted or supported by my parents even without the gay thing. I dont know were i want to go with this story.... Im in therapy. It really helps me, the therapist is a believer of 'living from the heart' But i took over my parents values and way of looking at the world. My childhood was very much that my mom wanted me not to be a individual person but someone always tight to the family. I was punished and shamed for being myself, for acting spontaneous, being free... I just dont know if i want to have contact with them still, my dad already thought i was gay before (in my teenage years), my mom was one time sneaking on my Facebook when i felt it open on accident on her laptop. And she was reading trough coverstations and read i wanted a girlfriend. Than later on she called me up saying something terrible has happend. That time i was also having a convo with the same therapist of my mom (i have a diffrent one now) and he said her first reaction was very homophobic. I dont know how call the sudden i can act full of faith and confidence and break free from there ideas. I dont want this all to affect me but it did. I still wanted to be accepted and want to try one more time if i could find a guy i could be content with. Ive tried that so many times in the past and it was always making me feel bad in the end. So i did found a very nice loving guy who i really like and who became my best friend. But first we were dating. My parents think he is my boyfriend. But i kind of susspect they know he is not really. I just dont know if i can ever find a girlfriend and have a actual lesbian relationship with. I feel a huge great deal of shame from my upbringing. My family isnt even religious but they are very toxic people. I dont know if i even want contact at all and if its even worth it coming out again to them. Because the convo we had after the Facebook incident was very bad and very fake. They were ''accepting'' but they didnt showed there true emotions. After that they never mentioned it again. It hurts me a lot. I also hate being in the closet. I feel my life is on hold. Do i need to think fuck it and leave them and my old self behind? How i was raised has influenced me so much as a adult. My parents dont have self esteem and what you dont have you cant give so i also dont have it especially not about being gay. I dont know what to do and how i can view myself more positively.
     
    #1 GoldenDawnn, Sep 17, 2018
  2. GoldenDawnn

    GoldenDawnn
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    Okay... i feel very alone and i would like to talk with someone. I feel like i cant find love and a relationship. I really feel its out of my reach. Anyone else feel like this? Im convinced I cant find a girlfriend let alone wife. These thoughts are making me depressed. Also my secret. Sorry this is so badly written. I was just spitting out my thoughts yesterday.... I would really appriciate a replay...
     
    #2 GoldenDawnn, Sep 18, 2018
  3. Broccoli

    Broccoli
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    Hi @GoldenDawnn, I really feel for you and wanted to say that you're not alone. Your family situation sounds difficult - do you still live with your parents? Are you financially dependent on them?

    I don't want to minimise the effect of your parents and upbringing because they can be very powerful influences but your post makes it clear that you have achieved a level of self-understanding that means you can see your parents and their values as not the way you want to live your life. Remember that your primary responsibility is to yourself, not to them or to anybody else. You can come out to them or not come out to them as you choose, whatever is best for you - you don't owe them anything in this regard, they don't need to validate who you are and you are in control of where you go next.

    You don't mention whether you have a support network elsewhere (friends/other family). Many of us are so used to looking to our parents for validation, even as adults, but their thoughts and opinions are only that: a few people's thoughts and opinions. It's great that you have a therapist that helps you and that you took that step to find someone that did. I think you've been very brave and should be proud of the steps you have already taken.
     
    #3 Broccoli, Sep 18, 2018
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  4. baristajedi

    baristajedi
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    Hi golden dawn, you are not alone, a lot of us on this board have been through similar feelings and have had so much shame and had to face difficult decisions with our family relationships.

    You are very brave in recognising these needs within yourself and I just want to remind you to be gentle on yourself because your struggle is valid and you feel such difficulties because of the way you were raised and because of the judgement from your parents.

    Even so, I know it’s still incredibly scary to face your parents’ rejection. Don’t force yourself to have any conversations with them about your sexuality, this is something only you can decide what you’re ready for and when. You don’t owe them any explanations about who you are, and their judgment of who you are has no bearing on the choices you make. Give yourself some space to try to determine what you want to say to them, how, when etc.

    In the meantime, I wanted to talk about your desire to find a girlfriend. A lot of us have had these deep feelings of shame we’ve had to work through. When you meet a woman you love, she will love you totally and will love all parts of you, including your struggles with coming to terms with who you are.

    But to get to that place, you need to feel better within yourself. I suggest two places to start on this - counselling (and I highly recommend an lgbtq counsellor, because that is so beneficial to have someone who’s aware of what we face as lgbtq people); and secondly making queer friends. Having s community will help you feel less alone, and eventually there likely how you’ll find a woman to date as well when you’re ready.

    Do you have any lgbtq meet ups near you? An lgbtq community centre?
     
    #4 baristajedi, Sep 18, 2018
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2018
  5. Hillary B

    Hillary B
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    Hi Golden Dawn. You show yourself to be brave and with a good degree of self knowledge. You are asking good questions. I wish I could help you more but I know that's not my job I just want to show some empathy and wish you well. One more thing it is a real downer to encounter people full of the negative force. If they are your parents I guess so much the worse, but it is essential to nevertheless engage and make progresss yourself, to thy own self be true etc.
     
    #5 Hillary B, Sep 19, 2018
  6. silverhalo

    silverhalo
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    Hey I am sorry you have had such a hard time so far. I'm not sure anyone can decide for you whether or not you want contact with your family but I do think that your therapist has the right idea. I think to be happy you have to listen to the whisper of your heart. I know you have tried before and perhaps not had the success you would have liked but I do believe you can work your way through this and come out the other side. You definitely have it in you.
     
    #6 silverhalo, Sep 19, 2018
  7. GoldenDawnn

    GoldenDawnn
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    Hey all, sorry I never replayed anymore! Thanks so much for the responses. I havent told my therapist yet I am gay. I still feel very uncomfortable to say that. She asked if i wanted a relationship and she was talking about a boyfriend and I said no and nothing more. And she seemed weirded out... So I really want to bring it up later. One day... Im also doing inner child healing with her so maybe if the therapy goes further I feel more confident saying it...? I am also a people pleaser / co-dependent... So I have the reflex of trying to make other ppl happy, i have a hard time saying no, im scared of other ppl negative emotions... This makes it very hard to find myself important and the stand up for myself. Im doing a lot of self searching and a lot of inner healing work... especially on shame and feeling unworthy or unsure in my identity. (I know i am a lesbian woman but more unsure of my real personality and so on)
    Oh and I would really like to make more LGBTQ friends, for sure :slight_smile:
     
    #7 GoldenDawnn, Sep 30, 2018
  8. silverhalo

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    Friends are a great start.
    Do you know if your therapist is LGBT friendly? If you want to tell her but friend it hard to physically say perhaps you could write it down and give it to the therapist. Not that I'm saying you have to tell her immediately.
     
    #8 silverhalo, Sep 30, 2018
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