I find myself in this situation over and over again, and it’s damn painful. I regularly develop very intense feelings and attractions towards people I can’t have - people who are completely off limits. Often, they are also much older than me (I’m 23). The woman who has recently captured my heart is one of my university tutors - she gives our lecture each week. The silly thing about this is that she doesn’t even know me personally. Our lecture is quite small, so she sees me sitting in the third row each week with my friend, and sometimes she looks at us and smiles, or asks a general question. She makes my heart pound. She’s about 40 - she’s so intelligent, beautiful, successful, funny, sexy and radiant... I can’t stop thinking about her. I’m extremely emotionally and sexually attracted to her. Yet, I know it’s utterly pointless. I don’t want this. I know myself - I’m going to feel depressed at the end of semester knowing I may not see her again. I just want to be ‘normal’ and date people my own age, but I don’t really feel attracted to other girls in their twenties... I don’t know what to do. Help. I’m miserable. Can anyone relate? This gorgeous woman is going to break my heart without even knowing it.
So this is very common codependency behavior. Something that unless you work on and fix it will keep destroying every relationship you have. People don't naturally feel so intensely for strangers or people they barely interact. You are projecting on to her what you wish you had, which is someone to take care of you, look after you, etc. Usually manifest in age, power or money and its the reason why you find it hard to be attracted to people your age. Its very common and many people, including me, have very unhealthy patterns of attraction. The good news is that you can work on it. You can learn to identity it and then act accordingly. If you are at a university you should have access to mental health for free as part of your tuition. Go ahead and take advantage of it and go talk with someone. I would invite you to use the power of language to your advantage. She isn't going to brake your heart. You are allowing yourself to be completely infatuated by this stranger. Unless you work on it, it will keep happening. Sorry you are going through it. I know it can be extremely frustrating!
I have this problem. Though not for older people but people like celebrities who are unattainable. I have fallen completely in love with people I have never met and will never meet. It really sucks.
Yes, I've had feelings for people I can't have, although for me that applied to everyone including people who were otherwise available but either straight(if it was a woman) or just not attracted to me(every man I've ever liked). It has happened a couple of times that I had feelings for someone unavailable also(or primarily) due to status or distance. It's not something as rare as you may thing, on the contrary(well maybe unless one is so attractive and/or confident and perfectly emotionally adjusted that they avoid this cause people like them back). Unrequited attraction/love/passion is common, whether it is for an unavailable friend, colleague, professor, etc. Also, I too find that someone with a personality that just clicks with me/is my type, is even more attractive if they're mid 30s and over, especially when it comes to men, not because of daddy issues and I don't like authoritative men or seek someone to protect me, but I do appreciate emotional maturity, someone who is curious, active, fun, progressive, playful but also has the ability to be very serious and grounded and generally emotionally aware/mature. I feel on average women develop that faster because society encourages them to. Anyway, point is I am now 31 so maybe it's no longer a potential issue liking someone in their late 30s to early 50s but at your age I found the same to be most attractive. However, it doesn't mean I only like someone within that age range, especially when it comes to women(tbh I don't think I'd like to date a man now who isn't 30+ but I would date women slightly younger, not 10 years younger but younger). Your feelings may have to do with codependency, as stated above, or they may not. Either way, they are valid and they aren't "wrong" or unimportant or shameful. There is no way to just shut your feelings off but you have to try to pick your battles so to speak and do whatever you can to help your feelings for unattainable people go down when you happen to have them, just because since they're unattainable there's no positive progression there to be had, only frustration and pain. There's women with the qualities this professor has, who are in fact available, both closer in age to you and a bit older so maybe try to go to some meetups where people like that may be found. Maybe a bit of therapy would help too if you can get some. You could also just start by making a conscious effort(that may be less or more successful at first) to hold your emotions in check when you see her, when she's holding her lecture
