As I've mentioned elsewhere numerous times, I'm in my late 20s and still a virgin. There are probably several factors involved in that, however I think one of the main factors is that I was waiting for a situation where I had a substantial enough emotional connection with a person before doing anything sexual with them. It seems like most people lose theirs in their teens in haphazard or spontaneous ways. And then after that they gradually gain more confidence around sex over time.. Is that right?? Am I being naive in waiting for a deeper emotional connection prior to sex. Do most people not really care about that stuff? Is my insistence on something more emotionally substantial holding me back and preventing me from just getting it over and done with? Have I built sex up in my mind to be more than it really is? Basically what I'm asking is for people's honest opinions on whether I should let go of these lofty standards around sex? Should I start being a bit more cynical, slutty and uncaring? Should I just let the tower fall and call it a day? I understand that people might be hesitant to give me their honest opinion in case I regret my first time or something but honestly should I just resort to taking whatever I can get at the first given opportunity? Should I settle?
Hey Fadedstar Sex is a very personal thing and you need to do what you are comfortable. But, I have to ask this... Why don't you take this one step at a time? I mean. Shouldn't losing your virginity imply there will be another person involved? First, you have to find that person and together you decide how to build intimacy. It could take months exploring with someone before you feel you can have intercourse. Savor each step. I, recently, became gay sexually active at 57. It was two years of light fooling around and experimenting before I had intercourse. That wasn't an issue with my friends. They were pretty cool with it all. That was for my type of relationship which was casual. A romantic relationship can take all sorts of different directions. Just be yourself.
Well I didn't mean penetrative intercourse specifically just any kind of fooling around, when I say "sex", I just mean any sexual act with another person. That's kind of what I'm getting at, should I just drop the romantic stuff and seek out casual encounters?
Yes. Most people don't care at first, they just want to get laid. It's only after getting laid like 10+ times that people start to think it's hollow and want something more substantial and connected emotionally, and by then they're already sexually experienced so can focus on the finding a relationship part instead of the getting good at sex part. Your insistence on that is very much holding you back, it's just up to you whether you consider it worthwhile to keep waiting in case the first time can be special one day. Based on your other posts, yea you have. I mean don't get me wrong, sex is great and I spend a lot of time pursuing it - but it's really not a life-changing thing. It's like 30 minutes of animalistic pleasure and then life goes back to normal. If you were happy, or sad, or whatever before the sex that's how you'll feel again within an hour after it. I'd be more on the fence with this in most cases, but for you, yea dude just go get laid from anyone - I think it'll help you move past this mental block you have about sex and thinking you're somehow not good enough for people or whatever. That's really not the case and hopefully once you see it's not some magical forbidden thing you'll be able to chill out a bit about it and feel better for having done it at least once even if it wasn't good.
I don't think you're naive for waiting. I think it would be wrong for you to push yourself into doing something you don't want to do just to fulfill some arbitrary timeline our society sets for sex. If you want to wait you should. There is no shame in how anyone wants to have sex. You can have casual sex and just go for it, or you can wait until you are with a specific person. There is no rule. Have sex when and how you want to.
I also think that if you regard casual sex as settling then you might be someone who might not get a lot of enjoyment out of that. If you feel like you're just giving in and doing it you might be disappointed not because the sex isn't any good, but because you weren't setting yourself up to enjoy it because you weren't 100% into it.
hey! i think its perfectly fine to wait for an emotional connection and pleaseeee dont loose hope! i am in the same boat as you...same age and no experience. i didnt think i needed an emotional connection before having sex and i always though girls would reject me (specially the ones with more experience) when they found out i had none...recently i have met this girl and realized: 1. i do crave for that connection 2. thia girl has been super respectful with me and patient... good luck!!
This is where im conflicted with this type of advice. Technically, the arbitrary timeline to have sex in our society is to wait until you fall in love to have sex. Most of society, at least for the majority of modern history, has viewed sex as taboo and only for those married. So you really have to think whether or not you are waiting for your "lover" because that is what you truly want or because you have been taught from a young age that sex is only okay between people in a relationship/love/marriage etc. I'm with @Destin on this. I think, just because it is the OP, I would encourage you to stop dreading losing your virginitity the "wrong" way. For some reason you have this notion that having sex for the first time the wrong way is this horrible thing that you won't eb able to recover. Even if you have sex with a hook up and you regret it, then its going to be fine. You can simply say "Next time I want to wait until I'm at least friends with the person" But yes, I also agree people shouldn't feel pressured to have sex, but the OP believes that sex only happens to those "worthy" of it, so I kinda do think that getting over it will take away this whole mystery that you have about sex OP. You are equating having sex to being worthy of of love and connection. That is going to result in hurt no matter what you do. Sex should be sexy, silly and fun. It shouldn't be connected to being worthy in any way or form.
Well, I've had plenty of time to think about it and it is what I genuinely want. It's more me than it is society.. I think. But I've just been getting despondent with waiting lately. I can't help but wonder if I'm being stupid and idealistic for wanting things to go a certain way. I'm questioning my own preferences/motivations and whether or not I'm too much of a perfectionist who expects too much from life. Realistically nothing is ever going to be completely perfect right?
Exactly! Nothing is ever perfect and most of the time losing one's virginity rarely is the magical wonderland one had built up in their mind but it doesn't mean that it can't be good even if not exactly like one had imagined. I probably wouldn't have imagined losing my virginity to a male friend I had vaguely known for a few weeks and wasn't even dating in some hotel room in another country but hey, even though it was as far as I would have imagined my first time to be like at the time, it was actually perfect in its own ways and one of the best sex session I have ever had with a man (which probably says it all! haha), and even though "hotel room with an acquaintance" isn't how most people would want to have their first time, I wouldn't change my story if I could as it still had everythingI would have wanted for a first time ( the chemistry, patience, fun etc...). It doesn't mean you have to go jump in bed with the first one crossing your path but you have to stop idealizing your first time, in most cases first times are clumsy and awkward and painful and just not the best. What's important is that you trust the person you have sex with and feel comfortable and most importantly that you enjoy yourself, sex is supposed to be fun, and for it to be fun, there need to be some kind of spontaneity and unknown. Find someone you want to have fun with, you will soon discover that a first time doesn't stop the second you lose your virginity. Everytime you have a new partner after that, be it someone you love or just plan on having fun with , you are back to having a first time with them and not knowing how they work and what they, you have many many shots at first times and with time how you had your very first will barely matter. I am glad of how my first time with a man went, less so over my first time with a woman but I don't mind or regret either, they have no bearing on new sexual relationship or anything. So don't build it up too much.
Lucky... that was like legit exactly my virginity fantasy when I was a kid (but female instead of male). I wanted to take a not close friend on a trip to Italy, seduce her at a romantic hotel after a couple days of tourist activities together and woo her with my charm and skill in bed until she agreed to be my girlfriend. Yea that didn't happen haha...
Well. This is your decision. When I was young, I had a girlfriend and we did "Catholic sex" which meant everything but intercourse. I was pretty conflicted about my sexuality, so I didn't have anything besides JO with male friends. But, when I met my future wife, I decided enough is enough and we had intercourse on the first date. It wasn't magical. It was fun and we remained friends with benefits for a couple years and the sex got to be pretty hot. I lost my "gay virginity" just a year ago with a guy under the desert sky camping. It, actually, was one of the best experiences of my life. But, it just clicked that time...that's the way sex is. Sometimes it is amazing and sometimes not so much. So, waiting for the right circumstance is unlikely to yield what you desire...the ultimate "first time". That said. It seems like you have some self esteem issues. I would really caution you that if you do have casual sex that you understand that the quality of the sex has nothing to do with the value of you. It's just something that two (sometimes more...lol) people do because it is a basic human drive. Be careful that you go into it with that understanding. All that said. I still encourage you to find someone that you have something in common with that you could at least be friends. The sex only hookup can be, very, unfulfilling and may not provide what you are really seeking.
Here is what I don't get. How is losing your virginity to a person you love aiming for perfection? Why is that the perfect way to lose your virginity? Having amazing sex with a stranger isn't worse or less perfect. If you are going to have sex with that mentality please don't. No person deserves to be treated like your plan z. Either stop complaining and just wait or change your mentality about why it would be so horrendous for you to lose your virginity to another human being even if you aren't married, 2 years into your love scenario etc.
First off, I don't really think the idea of sex to get it out of the way is a great one. It just seems terribly dehumanizing, and I'm not really sure what will be out of the way. I just don't think many people have sex for the first time and then are like, whew, no more thinking about that. As far as this goes, frankly I think the sex/relationship issue is pretty much the least of your worries, from what you've described--and should probably be the last to be tackled. But it does seem to be the case that you need to do something, and if this is the arena where you feel you can do that, well, I guess you should go ahead. As far as feeling you expect too much from life, from the outside looking in it looks to me like you expect far too little. I mean it sort of sounds like, on all fronts, you've settled for nothing for years. I think if you can change your perspective to be open to new experiences that's great. If the only way you can change your perspective is to just give up your dreams than you shouldn't do it. There's nothing wrong with waiting for your prince but it would be nice if you could enjoy the wait. I wasn't exactly the town bike but I had a good time. I certainly never slept with anyone to get it out of the way, but I did sleep with quite a few guys because it was fun or exciting, because we chatted for a few hours and hit it off. Some I dated, some I just had a lovely evening with. Many of them stayed friends, some just became people to share knowing glances with when we ran into each other at the gym. But to be honest I don't regret any of them, not a single encounter. And when the time came to meet my prince I did that too. My husband and I have been together for twenty years. They're not mutually exclusive.
Well, it was just what I had in mind for myself. I'm not saying everybody should adopt my mentality. I'm not trying to force my ideals on anyone else here. I'm not saying the way other people view sex is worse. As for changing my mentality that is what this whole thread was about. I don't get why people who are game for casual sex seem to personally attacked by the varying degrees of demisexuality that exist in people. Why does it have to be a competition, can we not just view both as equally valid? The thing is dreams are dreams and real life is real life. We don't live forever. Sometimes people have to reevaluate their dreams and ask if they're worth it any more. That's what I'm currently dealing with.
Sorry, didn't mean to make you think I was taking it personally. Just a tad confused. If you believe that you are demisexual, then not sure why you are even playing with the idea of having a hook up which you know you will hate? I have friends who waited until they got married to have sex. I think that is great. The difference between them and you, which is what OGS was talking about, is that they enjoyed the process. They were proud that they were waiting and enjoyed the experience of it all. They didn't think that waiting for marriage was a cross that they must bear. They did it gladly because it made them happy. And I think that is great! You are asking us if you should "give up on a dream" which is where I was confused. If sleeping with someone who you are emotionally connected to is the only way you will enjoy sex, then you are giving up on it because you think its not achievable. You don't think its achievable because you don't think anyone will ever like you enough to even date you let alone be with you long enough to have sex. Is that it? If that is it, then you need to work on your self-esteem and stop thinking about relationships for a second. You aren't going to get what you want until you start learning how to feel great about yourself without someone by your side.
I’m glad I didn’t wait for love. I would have been 30. I’ll be honest I just waited for the opportunity
I guess I'm just panicking a bit due to my age. In the midst of a quarter life crisis perhaps. I come from a slightly "alternative background" and was never raised to view marriage as a necessary step in human relationships. It's just about the feels. That's pretty much it, yeah. Because of my virginity it's impossible for me to be sure that I will or won't enjoy it. But I had certain preconceived notions about how I would like my first time to go down. But I'm ultimately clueless. Self-esteem has always been something I struggle with. Although as I get older I seem to place less stock in the opinions of others.
