Experimenting - how do I help my son open up

David's advice is pretty great and I'd recommend that also. I should also point out that him buying condoms doesn't necessarily mean he has plans to do anything with them anytime soon. A lot of guys that age have them just because it makes them feel more ready if anything unexpected does happen that would need them, but don't actually seek out the sexual encounter actively. I had condoms for like two years before I actually started having sex for example (you might want to mention to him that the expiration dates on them actually mean something by the way... most teens don't realize they really do stop working when they're old and use defective ones for their first time).

 

If he was that carless with the bag maybe he wanted you to see them?

Dean

 

I wouldn’t be crazy about it, either. And I imagine it must be frustrating that he’s not talking to you about what he’s up to. I suppose, though, that you know now that he’s responsible enough to go get the condoms (I would have been overwhelmed by embarrassment at that age — no way I was walking into a store and buying condoms). Awkward though it might be, it sounds like he’s remembering what you’ve talked with him about.

 

...ironic

I wouldn't go with the above mentioned letter approach.
Everyone's different but if my dad wrote me a letter about safe sex and opening up i'd have laughed in his face.

I would just have a chat. 'Can i talk to you for a sec?' Don't make it too formal and let him know your worries without 'pestering'.
I would have absolutely insisted on meeting this 'friend'. At the very least confirmed other friends you know are also going.
There's letting him have his freedom, as you said, but sometimes....kids are idiots.

Also, he's just bought condoms, you don't need a safe sex talk...he knows about safe sex.
I would focus more on safety of meeting people (which he might already be doing) but if he's using things like apps which are solely for over 18's...could be something to check and ask.

Do any of his friends know he's gay?

 

i actually have to disagree with the general, how to say, atmosphere? this thread is getting into. maybe it's a cultural thing (i do know that where i'm from children are less monitored and raised more freely than in the US, and we generally move out at 17/18 regardless of whether we go to college or not so i suppose in a way we look at teens as being closer to adults than in cultures where you stay at home much longer) but it looks like the safe sex talk(s) you've had with him paid off (because he bought condoms) and i think that prying more is absolutely going to have an adverse effect. in all honesty, the idea of putting an app on your child's phone to monitor them is absolutely terrifying to me, and if my parents had done that to me, it would have made me trust them less - because it shows that they didn't trust me. it's good to want the best for your child, and for him to be safe - but ultimately what keeps kids safe is to have home be a safe environment, where they can discuss things because they feel like their parents respect and trust them and their privacy, not because they feel like they have no other choice. don't overworry yourself. he's going to the house of a friend you don't know - but he's still asking you for a ride. he's not thinking of ways to sneak out and go places where you would have no ideas about his whereabouts but rather still letting you in, even if it's less that you'd maybe hope for. don't underestimate that.

my recommendation would be more along the lines of talking to him about safety, saying you understand that he's a certain age and might want to experiment and that there are certain risks with, for example, meeting people online, that he needs to keep in mind when making the choices that he does. make it clear that if he wants to talk to you, he can. but also accept that teens keep secrets, that rebelling against parents is part of growing up, and that some things are just super uncomfortable to discuss with your parents, no matter how good your relationship with them is. a lot of teens don't want to talk to their parents about sex! there are things he'll have to discover for himself along the road, and you can provide him with warnings about potential dangers that lay ahead, but you cannot take his hand and guide him the entire way.

 

I will agree with tystnad, putting an app on his phone may have the opposite effect of what you're intending. Personally, I would shut down from telling my parents anything.

I understand you want him to be safe, but to me, when a parent puts a tracking app on their teenager that says to me, "I am not giving you privacy or respect and I will always be watching you." My mom's cousin does it to her daughters, one is a senior in high school and the other has moved out. We mock her for being kind of...well, crazy. (Of course, she does other things we deem crazy, not just that.)

Let's try and put this in perspective:

• He bought condoms.
  • Like already said, that doesn't necessarily mean he's using them. He could just want to have them to have them or to be prepared. As a teenager, it can be seen as "cool" to have condoms. He could also be practicing wearing them. Regardless, the fact that he has them means he's understood your safe sex talk.
• He wants a drive to a friend's house, but you don't know this friend.
  • Your son can have friends he hasn't told you about. Obviously, I don't know your son, but in high school I had friends I didn't necessarily tell my parents that I was friends with. It just didn't seem relevant. In college, I don't tell my mom about most of my friends. He's asking you to drive him to this friend's house, though, which is significant. If he wanted to sneak of and meet up with someone, he probably would. BUT, he is asking you for a ride to this house. He isn't being shady.
• He is a teenager.
  • He's probably not going to tell you everything, regardless of your relationship with him. That's natural. He may not want to talk about sex with you, I know I would not feel comfortable talking about sex with my parents. If he does, cool, but if not, that's something to keep in mind.
  • He may decide to keep you in the loop with things, but that is ultimately his decision. If he does, awesome, but if he doesn't...just trust him. This is coming from someone who has a very tense relationship with my parents because they snooped and pushed the envelope on things that I didn't feel comfortable talking about. I will never be comfortable talking about sex with my parents. I hide the fact that I have condoms from them.
• He is out to his friends.
  • This is a fantastic thing for him, really. He has people to tell things to that he may not be comfortable telling you, which is nothing against you. There is a big difference between the relationship between you and your mom and you and your friends. And the fact that he has these friends that he can tell things to also may be why he's telling you less. He has other people.

The way I see it, your son is being a normal teenager. However, if you push, that will make the relationship fragile. Insisting on knowing who he's with and where he's with at all times? Overbearing. (And I do get that he's 15, but set a line. Give him a curfew, have him text and check in with you. There are many ways to check on his safety and set boundaries without being overbearing.) Installing an app? That crosses a line for me and would stop me from telling my mom anything (and it would encourage me to find ways around it, which there are).

Also, as a side note: do not push him to come out to his dad. He will do that if and when he feels comfortable. Speaking from personal experience, when someone is pushed to come out, it makes you want to come out less. He will do it when he wants to.

You're doing a good job, and great for coming on here and asking for advice, but make sure you are giving him respect and boundaries. If you don't, it's going to push him away.

 

See, personally, even continually asking about him coming out to his father can be seen as pushing by some. And I know that’s not your intention, I’m just saying how it can be seen. You asking him these questions repeatedly can make him think you just want him to do it and if he’s not comfortable, it could make it worse for him.

Again, I don’t think this is your intention at all.

When your son feels ready, he’ll do it. That’s honestly what it boils down to. That could be tomorrow, that could be three years from now. It’s all up to him and when he feels ready.

I get that it’s awkward for you to know and have his father not know, but it’s ultimately something you have to bear until he’s ready.

 

And he may not see it as bad, I'm just giving my own personal opinions on it. If I was being asked every couple of months the same thing, I would see it as being pushy. But, again, I'm not your son, so he may see it differently.

Your son seems like a good kid who's being a regular teenager. Be happy that he tells you what he does because most LGBT teenagers don't share a lot with their parents.

 

Interesting thread. Many issues to consider. Just off my head the teen has definitely entered "explore and discover". Respect that. I guess I will close with these thoughts. Total hands off approach. Respect him and his space. I'd say to him if you need anything give me a call.

American kids are WAY OVER PROTECTED. I have an Austrian friends who told me that at 15 he and his friends, girls and guys, traveled in a group in Europe, no adults. They also took an extensive trip together in Turkey, no adults. He was 15.

The phone thing has got to be the worst idea I have ever heard of. Thats called spying and disrespect.

MamalcePup give him space. MamalcePup take a vacation. Seriously. Not wanting to sound terse, but chill.

My mom caused me way more damage to my inner being than any of the people I ever hanged out with, period. Lol, and boy I'e hung out with some real zingers.

 

Yeah i've got to agree, this app thing raises alarm bells.
Its a sure fire way of saying 'I don't trust you and you can't do ANYTHING EVER without my express knowledge and consent'.

If you're doubting your parenting maybe thats something you should address with yourself and not take it out on your kid.
Your son clearly trusts you enough to come out to you and to keep it secret from his dad. I don't think you're giving him enough credit.

Kids are clever, way cleverer than parents. If he doesn't want you to know something, you won't know.
Track his phone? He'll just leave his phone, which is more dangerous.

Why is 24/7 surveillance a better option than just talking to him?