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Married but want a gf too

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Stuck42, Sep 17, 2018.

  1. Stuck42

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    I am married to a great guy. We have a great family. But..I have been attracted to women my whole life. He doesn’t know. I want a woman in my life, a girlfriend, someone to be with for that side of me. I feel guilty. I have been with a woman and feel ashamed but it was freeing! I want something real with a woman but stay with my family. It’s crazy, and I don’t know what to do.
     
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  2. Nickw

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    Hi

    I understand the desire to have both a man and a woman in your life. I'm a married bisexual. I came out to my wife about 2 1/2 years ago. My wife is very understanding and I do have some "recreational" intimacy on a limited basis.

    I never did the DL thing before I told my wife. But, I came close. So, I understand how incredible the drive can be. The only thing I can recommend is that you figure out some way to let your husband know. You don't need to do this right away...figure out when it works for you. But, having affairs with women may make it harder and harder to tell him. Doesn't he deserve to know?

    He may, completely, freak out. But, I looked at it this way. If the relationship with my wife was real, she would accept me when I told her I had these desires. And, she did.

    Best luck
     
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  3. SweetT80

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    I couldn't agree with Nickw more.

    My story hits like this. I realized I was attracted to my co-worker friend. Hit me like a ton of bricks. We started hanging out more together. I was so in love with her. My husband for suspicious and went through my phone. Saw all my text about how I love her and what I wanted to sexually do to her. Granted he read that i still loved him as well and I wanted a husband and a wife/girlfriend. He was pissed and told her husband. She never admitted she was "in love" with me, but never denied it. We peck kissed a few times. But those gazes and flirty touches were amazing! Her husband banned all contact from me. So now I don't even see her at work. I'm devastated. Soooo hurt. Literally sick that I can't text her, call her, see her. I miss her soooo much. So my hubby regrets telling her husband because him and I could have discussed these emerging feelings. My hubby and I agreed a few yrs ago to try a threesome so he is open minded.

    I know the feelings you have are STRONG!!! I say all chat to say dont keep the secret anymore. Tell him how/what your feeling. Be honest with him. Had I been honest with mine my "girlfriend" would probably still be in my life. Maybe in the future her and I can rebuild our friendship.
     
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  4. Forlong

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    I completely agree not to have extra marital affairs, talk to your husband. Maybe the both of can come to a understanding. I too want to keep my marriage and have a girlfriend to love. I haven’t talked to my husband yet but we’ve been opening up to each other more about what we want.
     
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  5. SweetT80

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    I'd love to talk to you personally. Your situation sounds just like mine.
     
  6. SweetT80

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    And I'm 38 so this is later in life for me with 2 kids 7 and 4.
     
  7. Mystic flower

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    I can relate to your situation. I too am married for 17 years, 4 children. My husband and I had a woman in our lives which ended on a bad note. I'd say talk to your husband about it, extra marital affairs will only hinder your relationship with your husband. I too want a gf, someone I can hold, someone I can share a life with. I still can't figure out how it will work, what it would look like. I want it all, a husband, children and a girlfriend.
     
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  8. SweetT80

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    Meeee to mystic flower! Me too! Sigh!
     
  9. Forlong

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    I’ve been thinking of taking a couples retreat with my husband to open him up to the idea of bringing someone into our relationship. We’ve seriously talking about taking a trip so I’m hoping he will into it.
     
  10. Jakebusman

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    I'm in the same boat married to my wonderful wife but want a bf on the side to date
     
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  11. Nickw

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    Beebee80

    Would that satisfy your same sex needs? My wife and I discussed a threesome. She's not at all interested in that. And, I was relieved. The thought is fun I guess from a strictly sexual point of view.

    But, the reality is that my same sex needs are not just sexual. I'm looking to share intimacy. It's why hookups just dont do it for me.

    I want an intimate friend. I don't think I could reach that with my wife there. Fortunately, my wife gets that. TBH, if my wife did suggest another woman joining us, as a guy, I would be super into it. I might want that for me and not my wife!

    My wife's version of me bringing home a guy to share involves him fixing the sink and helping move the sofa to vacuum behind.
     
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  12. Forlong

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    Lol “fixing the sink and vacuuming ” that’s sounds like a turn on to me.
     
  13. Forlong

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    Okay I guess it split up my reply lol into your quote @Nickw
     
  14. SweetT80

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    So I just talked to my husband about having a "girlfriend". He actually said maybe, yes as long as we set boundaries! Hmmm
     
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  15. Nickw

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    Wow!!! Nice!!! That's how my wife and I started the dialogue. I hope it works out for you. Keep the talks going but don't push him. My wife and I made it sort of a joke between us and pretty soon it was normal. We'd see a guy and I would ask her opinion on if he was the one (I used a crude word to describe him). She still will tease me if there is a hot guy and ask me if I want to take him home.

    I think that sort of thing makes it less threatening when our spouses are engaged a bit.
     
  16. SweetT80

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    Thanks Nick.

    I said it jokingly, but seriously at the same time. He knows I love him but want to explore my new found bisexual side.

    I'll continue to keep him involved while establishing these boundaries.

    Any other advice you or anyone else have would be great for me send all of us!
     
  17. Nickw

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    Good for you. I find that testing the waters in a light hearted way doesn't put anyone on the spot. You can both consider it without getting serious. Well done!
     
  18. Tightrope

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    Nick, you know most marriages involving one bisexual partner wouldn't function like this. Some do. We know of some here on EC and there are some in real life we anecdotally know about or suspect among people we are acquainted with. One friend told me he doesn't view it as cheating because he is only romantically interested in his wife. This, along, could be a hotly contested topic so it's better not to go there on a thread.

    Both men and women are expressing this need on this thread. I once watched an episode of a talk show that had one married bisexual partner. In that hour, one man said "I want it all." There's nothing to erase. It brought to life that it's a very real phenomenon. Some people cover a broad spectrum with affection and sexuality. I think most bi people aren't 3s. They tip in one direction a little bit more than the other.
     
  19. Stuck42

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    I just now got back to the site...thanks for all of your comments. I am not wanting to add anyone to my relationship with my husband. I know it sounds ridiculous but it’s something totally separate. I’m so scared to talk to him. If he is upset, I lose my family, my life. He is old school, I don’t think it would go well at all. I feel like I need to push the feelings down...but they’ve been hidden for over 40 yrs.
     
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  20. Stuck42

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    I’m new to the site..not sure how to message personally...but I would love to talk to anyone who understands. It’s such a sinking feeling.