I'll cut to the chase. My girlfriend thinks I still rely too much on my husband for emotional support -. He lives in the family home but has well advanced plans to move out to a home a couple of roads away so that childcare will be manageable. This is due to happen a month from now. We are still friends. I do value his input because I respect his views on quite a lot of things and I know he is a loving father to the children. I do not want to cut him out of my life completely, especially since I have no family support and only a handful of friends. My girlfriend lives at a distance from me and by contrast has her family close by. And they are there for her emotionally. She has more of a strong friend network of people who live close to her and a great social life. Ironically one of my girlfriend's criticisms of her husband is that he doesn't have enough friends and doesn't like his family of origin much. She says he is too easily moulded by whomever he is with. I am very loving to my girlfriend and I want love and a certain amount of compassion back. Coming out has been very difficult for me as my parents don't want engage with this difficult issue or try to understand it and my brother is close friends with my ex. At some point I suppose I will tell my scattered extended family. I cannot tell people at work as it is a new job and I have to be exceedingly careful.
I don't explain my decisions that I make for the good of my children. Everybody else will have an opinion but they don't bear the responsibility. You're doing the right thing.
I understand she is insecure. I am insecure in my own way. So are many people.....But insecurities need to be kept in check. Before they destroy the good things. Perhaps I'm not making a great deal of sense here. I get moments when I think "What's the point? It's all too hard." But there has to be trust for love to stand a chance and there has to be acknowledgement that we all had a long life up to this point that cannot be erased without a trace when there are children.
Insecurity and fear are understandable emotions.There are a lot of people who say staying friends with an ex is trouble, which probably adds to her insecurity. It's also understandable to have deal breakers (cheating, lying, etc) or expectations (exclusivity, open relation, etc). These are essentially boundaries to help keep ourselves safe and relationships in tact. In the end, you both have to decide what the relationship will look like and what kind of boundaries there are. Can you be friends with exs? What are the boundaries like? You may have very different ideas of what boundaries to have. That doesn't necessarily make her a bad gf or person, nor that the relationship can't work, just that you guys have to see if you can work it out. Otherwise there will be stress on both sides until someone reaches their limit.
So here is the trick. Your girlfriend, like you said, doesn't really care that you are close to your husband. What she is truly feeling is that you rely more on him than her. She is worried about feeling like the third wheel, not having a say, not being part of your life, etc. Because your girlfriend doesn't seem to understand why she is feeling that way, all she can do is say "Stop relying so much on him" because technically that would solve the issue short-term, but it will do nothing for you all long-term. So the trick is for you both to come together to figure out a solution that will take care of her very real feelings. Start with figuring out the true problem. Is it jealousy, feeling like a third wheel, etc. She might not know what the true problem is and she might be uncomfortable having this conversation, but its important that you 1) make sure she feels you do care about making her feel better 2) keep pushing until you all figure out what is happening. AFter you figure it out, try different things that can make it work. If she is feeling that she is losing you, maybe figure out a way for her to feel more wanted or that you rely on her for support. This is a conversation so it has to be something that works for you both long-term. You cutting ties with your ex husband is a clear boundary for you. Stick with it, protect it, and then figure out another way that she can feel better
