1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

The Art of Balancing Bi and Married

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by SevnButton, Sep 5, 2018.

Thread Tools

Thread Tools

Page 3 of 3
  1. Biguy45

    Biguy45
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 5, 2017
    Messages:
    1,295
    Likes Received:
    477
    Location:
    United states
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I may never come out to anyone. At this point I don’t know. It’s not anything that seems necessary at the moment. I’m currently going through one of my gay phases, so the urges are a little stronger right now. Nothing I can’t handle though . If it changes in the future I’ll have to rethink my position
     
    #41 Biguy45, Sep 13, 2018
  2. SevnButton

    SevnButton
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2018
    Messages:
    1,184
    Likes Received:
    970
    Location:
    Southern California Coast
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    One of the best pieces of advice I've received during this quest was from you, Nickw, when you suggested I don't rush. Time, introspection and posting on EC have been really helpful.

    I reached a point where I saw that not telling my wife was tantamount to lying to her, and that was seeping into other areas of my life. As you also pointed out, it was easy because I've been hiding my sexuality most all of my life.

    Some people have posted that they got to a place where their relationships got so bad that they had nothing to lose by coming out. That's one strategy, but not the only one, and I believe not the best one. Still, for myself, I had to get to a mental state where it would be OK for my wife to say "no" and leave me before I was ready to take the risk of coming out to her.
     
    #42 SevnButton, Sep 13, 2018
  3. Nickw

    Nickw
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2016
    Messages:
    2,335
    Likes Received:
    1,397
    Location:
    Out West
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Svenbutton

    I did this too. I decided it was OK to divorce my wife if she wouldn't accept me. But, that took a lot of time and some therapy. I had to learn to value my sexuality enough to give it the importance it truly had.

    But, I was, unnecessarily, cruel to my wife to get to this point and that was completely unfair. And, unfortunately, based on conversations with other guys, this is not uncommon.

    Part of this is the anger some of us feel for having to deal with this "thing" at this point in our lives. "WTF? Am I 16 or something?" This is hard on our wives when they don't know what is going on. I didn't even realize what I was doing to her.

    Maybe I'm not doing a good job of explaining this. But, I know this is something that makes it so hard when we come out. Our wives are aware of the unhappiness and may either blame it on our sexuality or blame it on them. When, really, it is our burying of our sexuality that is causing it.

    I'm not implying that's anyone here. No one can look inside another person. It's just pretty common and something to really watch for. I was clueless.
     
    #43 Nickw, Sep 13, 2018
  4. SevnButton

    SevnButton
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2018
    Messages:
    1,184
    Likes Received:
    970
    Location:
    Southern California Coast
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Yeah, I understand. That's what brought me to Empty Closets - I was having these periods of "raging gay", where it seemed like all I ever thought about was being intimate with men. It was like that part of me was screaming to be heard. After coming to terms with myself and my sexuality, the raging gay subsided to the point where sometimes I wondered if I had just made the whole thing up.
     
    #44 SevnButton, Sep 13, 2018
  5. Biguy45

    Biguy45
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 5, 2017
    Messages:
    1,295
    Likes Received:
    477
    Location:
    United states
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I get that way sometimes as well, other times I’m want to be with guys so much I feel like a teenage girl
     
    #45 Biguy45, Sep 13, 2018
  6. SevnButton

    SevnButton
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2018
    Messages:
    1,184
    Likes Received:
    970
    Location:
    Southern California Coast
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Yup, that's the feeling. I've had times of letting my imagination run wild while walking my dog and getting so worked-up that I hoped I didn't run into anyone! Especially anyone I knew!
     
    #46 SevnButton, Sep 13, 2018
  7. Stellardan

    Stellardan
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2018
    Messages:
    31
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Colorado Springs
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi this is a great thread. I’m in a very similar situation. Although for me I find it ironic. My wife is obsessed about past females in my life. She knows I’m bi but I honk tries to ignore it. But she either doesn’t think about it it doesn’t dawn on her that a group of men would be a bigger concern to her than past females in my life’
     
    #47 Stellardan, Sep 16, 2018
  8. SevnButton

    SevnButton
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2018
    Messages:
    1,184
    Likes Received:
    970
    Location:
    Southern California Coast
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi @Stellardan-
    Pardon me for being amused, my situation is reversed -- My wife is still a bit freaked out about me being bi, and she's threatened by the possibility of me cheating with another man. But she feels no concern about other women. Go figure!
     
    #48 SevnButton, Sep 16, 2018
  9. SevnButton

    SevnButton
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2018
    Messages:
    1,184
    Likes Received:
    970
    Location:
    Southern California Coast
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    So, my "gay fantasy" about being hetero-married and bi is that my wife will be OK with me going to LGBT social meet-ups. So far, it's not happening. There are two events this coming week, one mid-day, and one in the evening, that have been buoying my optimism for weeks. That's what I wrote about in the very beginning of this thread. The same dilemma remains: doing what I need to do to nurture my soul, or sacrificing a bit of that for now in order to keep from freaking out my wife.

    The third option is to sacrifice a bit of my integrity by going to the mid-day meet-up with out telling my wife. I'm leaning toward doing that with the requirement of being very honest with anyone that I meet, saying that I haven't told my wife about being there, that I want to be open and honest with my wife, and I'm looking for some face-to-face support for doing that.

    You know that feeling of going to the gay bar for the very first time, suspended between going in or walking away, and the butterflies in your stomach, along with excitement, self-doubt, and about a dozen other emotions? That's me right now. This feels real.
     
    #49 SevnButton, Sep 16, 2018
    Stellardan likes this.
  10. DecentOne

    DecentOne
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2017
    Messages:
    856
    Likes Received:
    482
    Location:
    East Coast US
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    IMHO, Your integrity should not be sacrificed. Try not to injure your sense of integrity. She deserves honesty. If you can't miss these opportunities, be honest, but think it through as to how you are being honorable in relationship to her -- long term that will be what matters to you and to her.
     
    #50 DecentOne, Sep 16, 2018
    SevnButton likes this.
  11. Nickw

    Nickw
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2016
    Messages:
    2,335
    Likes Received:
    1,397
    Location:
    Out West
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Svenbutton

    I'm gonna push a bit for full honesty right now. These are the decisions that can just cause reasons for strife later on.

    I know my wife is easier than most at this. But, she knows EVERYTHING. So, I've never had to go to the place of having to rebuild trust.

    That's a big thing.

    Again. Your wife does not own your sexuality. But, she does deserve to be in the loop.

    Dang, I know how much you need this interaction....I really do.

    Are you ready for a heart to heart about this? You know, most guys just cheat. I hope your wife can recognize how up front you are.
     
    #51 Nickw, Sep 16, 2018
    SevnButton likes this.
(You must log in or sign up to post here.)
Page 3 of 3