Dating Anxiety

As someone who also gets super anxious over the little things, I relate to this a lot. I'm not an expert, but here's some things that I can tell you from personal experience!

For me, I've found that talking out my anxieties with someone else, like a close friend, helps in order for them to talk me out of my paranoia and tell me how things really are. In terms of actually starting to date this guy, it sounds cheesy, but just be yourself. If you knowingly put yourself outside of your comfort zone in order to try and impress him, it'll just make things worse. Don't go for impressing, in fact, worry about yourself as little as possible. Try and find out more about him! It sounds odd to tell yourself to fixate on him, but if you don't do it internally, you'll fixate on yourself.

In terms of waiting for replies/general phone anxiety, just think of all the things that you've gotten sidetracked with and messages you found six days later. People make mistakes, sometimes they work, all sorts of stuff. Breathe, walk away from your phone, find something else to distract yourself, whatever best helps you calm down when anxious. Some people are terrible at texting, it's just who they are. As long as you believe what he's saying, that he enjoys being with you, then that's what matters, even if the replies are rather dry.

Also, give yourself some credit!!! A lot of us with anxiety take a really long time to get out there and actually start meeting new people/going on dates. You've already started and that's really hard to do, so be proud of the process you've made!! Most importantly, have fun on your date.

 

Hey just wanted to reply and say like most of the threads I've been replying too, I can offer more sympathy than actual good advice because I'm the exact same way and I'm going through that right now. I really like this girl, I know for a fact she is gay, but I don't know whether she likes me. And I really don't want to mess up what we have. And I could be a professional overthinker - I overthink literally every conversation we have until I feel like I'm going crazy.

What's really helped me is having supportive friends. I'll tell them how things are going with her, and they'll kind of reel me in if I'm getting out of control. I have pretty low self-esteem and confidence issues. I really fear that the girl I like is too good for me even though she's definitely shown signs of being interested. So my friends will help boost my confidence, and remind me not to worry if she doesn't text back fast or something.

I wish there was a way to get rid or anxiety overnight - but there's not. But you said you think it's going great. You know that you guys have a lot in common and it's going well, don't let your insecurities tell you otherwise. I don't know about your guy specifically, but I think people in general are attracted to confidence like nothing else. It goes such a long way, I honestly think having confidence can make up for not being super good looking in most cases (not saying this is the case with you lol) Just be yourself, I'm sure you're wonderful, and I'm rooting for you! Hope it works out

 

If you really want to get a handle on your anxiety, you could go the whole nine yards and work through the Social Anxiety Workbook on the Centre for Clinical Interventions website. (I would post the link, but I'm under the impression that links to external sites aren't allowed here so I'm going to play it safe. If you look up "centre for clinical intervention self-help" it should hopefully be the first link. If it's not, try searching using Google.com.au).

But if you don't want to go through a whole booklet, one technique I use that's helped a lot is imagining myself in the other person's shoes and asking "How would I feel in this situation? What would I think of another person doing what I just did?"

So, for example, if you saw someone do something really stupid like... Walk into a door frame. Sure, you might think they were a little clumsy, but wouldn't you mostly just be hoping they were okay?
Or, maybe you're on a date with someone and they can't think of what to say next so you're in silence for a while. Could you seriously imagine looking down on them for that? In fact, you'd probably (quite rightly) think that it's also your fault since you're part of the conversation, too.
So, there's really no reason to think that he'd react much differently, and if he really is the sort of person who would decide you're not worth it just because you can't always think of what to say next or you're occasionally clumsy or whatever else you're anxious about, well, is he really worth your time?

You can also modify the technique for other things. For example, you say you worry when he responds with a dry, one-word text. Well, can you think of any reasons you've done that? Maybe you were texting someone and you suddenly got a call, or maybe you were tired after a long day of work and you just couldn't think anymore. Alternatively, how often have you responded with a one-word text because you actually didn't like someone?
Using the technique that way, you can think of alternative explanations for why he'd respond with short texts that are different from him not liking you, and you can also weigh which ones are more probable and which ones are less probable.

Hopefully that makes sense. If you have any questions about the workbook or what I've said or anything else, or maybe you just need to talk through your anxiety with someone, I'll do what I can. I can't PM since I'm not a full member yet, so I guess we're confined to replying to each other's posts, but it's something. All of this goes for anyone else who's reading, too.

I know anxiety is one hell of a beast and you're already doing an amazing job if you're managing it even a little bit.