Disclaimer: If this breaks any forum rules im sorry and please let me know how I can better formulate my post if I make a mess, there will be mentions of illegal drugs here. Though I do not approve the use of any such substances. Ok, so I have been lurking around this forum since I was 14 (im now 26) but never had the guts to post anything, or rather I have instantly deleted everything ive posted but here goes.. Im a 26 yo. male living in a relatively conservative country. I have lived with my girlfriend for about 18 months, we have been together for 3 and a half years. Ever since I was about 13/14 ive been insecure about my sexuality. Ive always been attracted to women and secure about that, and ive had 3 long term relationships and around 45 sexual partners. When I was 14 I tried smoking weed and VERY soon after I watched and *enjoyed* gay porn, while high. I have never felt attracted to a man ive met in real life, but can get very aroused by *hunks* in videos and pictures, especially when high. As the years went by I experimented with a lot of different drugs, and I found myself more and more inclined to having sex with a man the *farther out* I got. I am clean now and have been for a few years, with the occasional joint here and there, but this feeling and *urge* was always there when under the influence. In the last 2 years I got very close to hooking up with a nice (and hot) guy I met on a website because I wanted to try it once so I could finally find out, but I chickened out every time (all this while high). But even sober, I found myself watching more and more of a specific category of porn, namely *big dick*. Still straight stuff, and not just some huge monster, but I spent time finding a *pretty* cock and enjoyed THAT view just as much as the girl in the video. So yeah, I have a very high libido, which gets amplified when im on drugs or alcohol (especially on cocaine). But still after maintaining a casual attidude to drugs, this feeling and curiosity is still there. So im not asking "am I bi" beacuase ofc no one has that answer but me, but im asking; is this a thing? A straight dude watching and enjoying the male body and having fantasies about sex with a man simply because of horny-ness and drugs or am I Bi/gay in deep self-denial? Should I go for it and just try? 50% of the time I want to, the other I don't. The reasons are, 1. I don't want to cheat on my girlfriend (im not a cheater). But I know that if this is who I am, I can never be happy until I find out for sure. (And no, I can NOT talk to her about it) 2. Im VERY afraid of regretting it, if its not for me I am terrified of meeting that person somewhere or him telling someone, not saying that would be the worst thing for people to know that ive tried, but if I find out im 100% straight it would force me to deal with a whole lot of stuff I would rather keep private.. if you know what I mean. I really don't know what kind of help im seeking here, but I need to just talk about it, its driving me crazy! Any and all advice is appreciated ,if you understand my situation, have been there yourself or if you know someone who has, or generally have something to say about me and my stuff, please say it. Again im sorry if this post is a little foul, I just had to type it the way it plays in my head.
Well....I can tell you that weed does seem to open up a different part of the brain and perhaps break down some of our self imposed/society imposed barriers. I’m 40 and bi, starting to own it after 20 years....in college I had the same experience as you, where weed seem to awaken?/make possible a gay side. Never would have that experience with alcohol. I’d stay away from the drugs/alcohol/porn for a month or so and see how you feel.
This brings to mind a "friend" I have at my university. We met freshman year and consistently hooked up through the end of last year (junior year). We would go through bouts of talking and not talking. When we talked it typically led to a hookup. There was one night last year that he came over with intention for us to talk only and...yeah. My point is that I found out over the summer while talking to him that he would only actually hit me up and be horny to hookup when he was high. Twice this year already when him and I have talked I've called him out on being under the influence on something, both times he was drunk and once he was also high. However, he firmly identifies as gay (but also hates labels, so idk). It's definitely a thing that happens when you're high, but porn and acting on those urges are two very different things. You may have some things repressed, I don't know.
Marijuana (as with most other drugs of abuse) lowers inhibitions. Given that you come from a country that is conservative, there may be pretty strong societal pressures to be straight, which could influence (suppress) natural same-sex tendencies you have. When you take the drugs, it can well have the effect of lowering those inhibitions, sort of a "screw it, it doesn't matter" mentality. Which would be more likely to cause the unconscious desires to become more conscious. Now... if your specific question is, "can I be straight, and the drugs make me gay?", then the answer is no, those drugs wouldn't alter sexual orientation or attraction, they would just lower conscious resistance or barriers to your true feelings. So if I were to guess, I'd guess that the same-sex feelings are genuine and are there, but when you are sober, they are deeply locked down by some combination of societal pressures, shame, and resistance to the idea of same-sex attraction. That might not be what you want to hear, but hopefully it's helpful.
