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Best Friends

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Cinnamon Bunny, Sep 9, 2018.

  1. Cinnamon Bunny

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    I wanted to get some feedback. If you have a best friend, how often do you talk or hang out with them? Are you both working adults (full time job/responsibilities)? Are you introverted or extroverted? Do you feel your social needs are being met or not? Do you feel emotionally close and open with your best friend?

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    I have certain wants and expectations when it comes to best friends. Like I've had friends I'd only talk with or see once a month or even once a year and that's completely cool. However I like to have a small number of friend(s) I see or talk with regularly. I'm an introvert but like quality time with a few people. My best friend is someone I talk with regularly and we know what's up in each other lives. While time together has varied over the years, it's usually at least once a week but often a few times a week. If we talk less than that, even if I like them as a friend I wouldn't likely label them a best friend - rather just a good friend. A best friend is often the first person I would tell exciting or sad news too, share humor with, invite to places, discuss ideas, and/or seek for support in tough times so I'm going to speak with them frequently.

    I'm wondering what the standard is for others. Since I came out to myself I wonder if my expectations for best friend isn't skewed towards something more akin to the emotional closeness of romantic relationship. I wonder, am I wanting friendship or am I wanting a partner?
     
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  2. Forlong

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    I’m a introvert, but enjoy talking to people I’m comfortable with and she a extrovert, really outgoing and can make friends easily. I moved to a new city and started a family so she pulled away after that. I tried a lot the first year to keep our friendship intact. That was 10 years ago, she didn’t want try to keep in contact. I would visit her often and call her constantly. She would rush me off the phone. At first I thought she just busy but then I would hear different. I feel like a best friend should be like family. A permanent fixture in my life and I would count to be there throughout. A bond that sometimes closer than a sibling. There’s nothing wrong with counting on a friend like that.
     
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  3. LostInDaydreams

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    I think everyone has different expectations and needs with regards to friendships. I don't think I've had a "best friend" since I was 12. I tend to form groups of friends, like a school group, university group, a work group, etc., and see them as a group, rather than one-to-one.

    For me, seeing somebody a few times a week and...

    ...would fall into partner territory. I don't think I could maintain a significant friendship alongside a relationship, but that's just me. Seeing friends a few times a month would be fine for me, but I have a young daughter, so my social life is linked to her social life. Haha. Lots of birthday parties!

    Having said that, I don't think the type of friendship you've described indicates wanting a romantic partner. I do like the idea of a friendship like that, but I don't think I'm social enough. Haha. I need space.
     
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  4. Forlong

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    @LostInDaydreams I agree with having children puts a hold on social interactions. If you don’t count play dates and birthday parties lol. I think that’s when my ex best friend really started to pull away when I had kids. But I thought she would be like a aunt figure you know. But I don’t hate her for distancing herself just feel a little sad at the lost.
     
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  5. Biguy45

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    I don’t have a best friend anymore. I used to have a few close friends but different lives, living in different areas, and families have kept us separated. In a couple of cases I’ll likely never see them again. Except for the occasional text or social media interaction. I think it’s tough to maintain those types of friendships over time
     
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  6. Alex916

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    My best friend and I are both huge introverts, but we spend lots of time together. She recently moved in and we've hung out every day. We buy each other coffee all the time and share details about our lives. It definitely feels like a best-friend friendship and not at all romantic, though. I don't think you are necessarily wanting a romantic-y friendship, just a very close one.
     
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  7. Love4Ever

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    This is such a great question! For me I feel the line between best friend and more is blurry and maybe was part of why I didn't realize my sexuality sooner. Basically I have always wanted a super close best friend and I had that for many years with a girl I've known since I was six. Our friendship was actually pretty intense, we played together all the time and when we fought with each other it usually culminated in me crying and being hurt because I wanted to be super important to her but sometimes I didn't feel valued. Now looking back I realized I've always had this obsession of being "the best friend" or someone's number one. And in real life all of these people have been female. I have always felt my expectations of a friendship are much higher and contain a much higher degree of intimacy than most people seem to require. I don't know if that means I just am super close with my friends or I wanted something more than that. Irionically, I was never sexually attracted to my closest friend, but our friendship has always felt like a rocky relationship. I have been furious with her as often as I depended on her. (It's a good thing I wasn't attracted to her also because her family is extremely religious and homophobic and I struggle to maintain our friendship despite our past history together. I fully expect if I date a woman that I won't be able to be her friend anymore. Her family will make her cut ties with me.)
     
    #7 Love4Ever, Sep 10, 2018
    Last edited: Sep 10, 2018
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  8. Lia444

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    I’ve never had a best friend but have always wanted one but am thinking now that it’s a relationship I want as that amount of contact and closeness to me is what I would want from a partner so don’t think I could do both but then I’m really close to my family so I guess my sisters are my best friends.
     
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  9. Cinnamon Bunny

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    I'm sadden by the fact that many of you don't have best friends, but it also sounds like many of you are okay with this or have other significant relationships. It is hard to maintain friends with distance, time restraints, childern, partners, jobs, or limited energy especially for introverts.

    Thanks for all the feedback, it helped me process things. I've gone through so many changes lately that I doubt and question myself a lot. It's like realizing or re-realizing basic things.

    Reading this it dawned on me that I'm very much a one-on-one person. I like groups fine, but I often want to know those people as individuals (or at least some of them). To hear what they think and feel in a space of openess. To me that's quality time I need. I do this with people I flat out have no romantic feelings for, so I don't think it is romantic desires that fuels this. Just a need to connect. Which may be stronger than some. I don't have much of that in my life right now and I'm pretty miserable.

    Since that's how I am, that could make romantic desires or pursuits blurry and it has. Friendship and romance aren't always mutually exclusive. I think since I'm much more aware, it's not going to happen again or as much since I'm not in denial of my feelings and desires anymore. Iow, I'll know if I'm really digging someone and desire a romantic relationship. Wanting sex or wanting a life partner is a huge jump from wanting quality time or open and authentic connections with other people.

    There is a struggle though, since I also want sex. Quality time can lead to feelings of attraction... even if I really don't want to date said person lol :')


    @Beebee80 I also see a best friend as being like family. Even some of my close friends I do look at them like family. Having those supports you can count on means a lot to me. It is hard to juggle childern and everything else even without adding friendship to the mix. All these things tax us. It's sad your friend pulled away, I hope you now have friends who also enjoy being around childern.

    @Lia444 sisters can definitely be friends or best friends. Which may fulfill some of our social needs and take up social energy and time. I'm not close with family (though my relationship with my sister is better) so I'm always looking outside of family for emotional ties.
     
    #9 Cinnamon Bunny, Sep 12, 2018
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2018
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  10. Cinnamon Bunny

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    I have similar feelings. Wanting to be that best friend. Feeling dissapointment if I wasn't. Wanting to be important and valued. Looking and hoping for a loyal bff. At the same time some of these friendships there was no attraction for sure. Some there could have been, others are a big question mark. I may have been too disconnected from my feelings to know. I just recall a few friends in my college years that I did feel something for. I moved around a LOT so I've had a lot of best friends and many I still can contact (and use to till the whole gay thing happened). Idk what it is. I think for me it may just be a mixed of things, like my own self esteem or relationship issues, being idealistic, needing close friends, and/or deep down wanting a girl to be with me. I know with my last best friend it was platonic until it wasn't and I know when it shifted. That's the whole reason I figured out I wasn't straight. But I really don't know if had those feelings for another bf.

    That is tough if you do lose your long time friend due to her family. If that happens, I hope other friendships come into your life.
     
    #10 Cinnamon Bunny, Sep 12, 2018
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2018
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  11. Love4Ever

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    Thank you! We definitely have our ups and downs for sure. I definitely don't feel I can count on her the way I want to and her family has tried more than once to separate the two of us. They don't like me, I'm not sure they ever really did. I didn't go to there church so to them that made me an outsider. I do long for a fulfilling friendship. Though I think what I was really looking for was a girlfriend.