I just wanted to know if you guys think it's okay to be in a relationship with a somewhat transphobic person? I want to know if it can work, is it morally right, and if anyone has any shared stories about the subject. This is going to be quite along post so thank you to those who do read... So basically i am a non-binary person and I've spent a lot of years avoiding relationships with people, partly because I am also Pans-Gray-Romantic/Sexual which is a term i use to describe that I'm only rarely attracted to someone sexually or romantically but when i am it could be anyone. Another reason was because i have strong political beliefs that most men disagree with, so i always found it hard to connect with men on a deeper romantic or sexual level because of their lack of understanding about feminism, sexism, racism and discrimination towards lgbtq people...don't get me wrong I know they exist and i don't think all men are like that but it's just extremely common for cis, straight, white men around my age to be like that where i live or at least be too neutral towards discrimination than I'd like. I think these should be abhorred and looked down on in society but too many people just don't care. So anyway i haven't really pursued many relationships with men in the past for these reasons (women are a different story) that was until i met William, I met him at a friends birthday party and it was safe to say that i was and still am EXTREMELY attracted to him. He was exactly my type, tall, handsome but a unique face, great body, Interesting personality, and a bonus was that he was wearing suit which is a HUGE turn on for me. I went on with my night secretly pining for him thinking he wasn't going to notice me and I'd just end up with a huge crush thinking it would go nowhere like usual but he actually came up to me and asked if i wanted a drink, we're all young and poor so we couldn't buy drinks at the restaurant we were in so we went outside and had some shots in the car that they were using for the night. The whole night he was a complete gentlemen and things just got progressively better and better, we danced, he held doors open for me and we flirted a lot and talked about our lives and interests. I told him about my sexual orientation but only about the pansexual part and he said he was cool with i which he still is (He's very accepting of homosexuality but confused about gender) apparently one of my other friends told him i was asexual/aromantic which wasn't true but it didn't bother him because it turns out that he relates to that on some level in that he doesn't want want to have sex with anyone until he loves them which was good for me. We said goodnight and went our separate ways but then i decided to add him on facebook and he messaged me straight away. We kept talking and then started meeting up occasionally to hang out and then eventually decided to start dating and then it growing into a committed relationship where we're planning our life together. It's only been six months but it feels right. Anyway at first he seemed really accepting of me being non-binary, he said he would call me his partner instead of girlfriend and he agreed to try learn more about it for our relationship, he said it made me different and unique and said it made him think that it would work in favor of our relationship because he likes to accept typically feminine traits in himself and that it would make a good balance, he said he like it that i embraced typically masculine traits and it was an attractive quality for him. These are things that at the time i thought were nice things to say then realized that this goes against my beliefs about binarism and how men and women are "supposed" to act a certain way. There were a few more things that brought up red flags about his stance on gender roles and feminism but other than that he is an absolutely amazing boyfriend and unbelievable person, the things we've done together are some of the best experiences of my life so far and he's made me want things and learn things about myself that i never knew, I never wanted sex with anyone until i met him, I never wanted a relationship, I never wanted children or a family, I never knew i could enjoy so much about being with someone in that way. He is perfect in so many ways except for our political differences, he's kind, caring, smart, talented, ambitious, strong and dedicated to making himself better. There are a lot of things we agree on and lot's of things we have in common but some of what he believes goes completely against my existence, he believes that gender and sex are the same things, he believes what makes a man and and a women are their genitals, he believes that people shouldn't be called by their preferred pronouns because "just because they feel like they're the opposite gender, it doesn't mean they are" and that by having to call them that somehow takes away his free speech. He says that if they have a sex change then he would probably identify them as their preferred way but that doesn't take into account that most people can't do it because it's expensive and they're still transgender without the surgery. He says that he thinks people can be who they want and it doesn't bother him but he's just not going to address them they way they want because it's not "correct". He is not interested in doing any research into the subject because apparently he already has and it's just backed up his claims so there's nothing i can do to change his mind. We've had multiple fights about it and the last one caused us to have a break to figure out if this relationship is really what's best for us and if it's worth continuing. I have gone through several different stages of wondering about what to do, I know i don't want to break up and that I'm not satisfied with this relationship ending yet but maybe it is for the best??? I've been reading articles and listening to podcast about how it is possible to live with someone who has different political beliefs as you but i don't know if i should be with someone who believes these things. I just need some outside perspective because i don't have anyone to talk to about this specific problem.
Would I date someone who had views about feminism, gender roles and trans people that are completely opposite to mine ? Absolutely not. As someone who is apparently non-binary you are saying that your boyfriend is pretty much telling you that you are a girl and that's that and you don't seem to care, why? I would be furious if I was you, is definition is pretty much denying the existence of non-binary people and implying that trans folks are deluded. Is that really the type of person you want to date? You say you have a problem dating guys because you hold strong political views over feminism, sexism, and discrimination towards LGBTQ+ folks and then go on to talk about how you are dating a guy who is sending you red flags and showing signs of all the above and wondering if you should continue to date him when he has made it clear he is set in his views just because you like him. Are you or are you not an intersectional feminist? If you are, why aren't his views on feminism/gender role and gender not a total deal breaker for you? Those aren't "political views" those are very important clues of someone's mindset and how he views women and minorities. You can chose to ignore them and learn to adapt to his views and play deaf to his bigotry but in my opinion that only makes you part of the problem. For me you can't be a feminist and happily settle with someone who doesn't fully believe both genders are equal, who deny the existence of trans women/men and undermine their struggles (let alone imply they are crazy). You say he is smart and dedicated to making himself better yet he refuses to acknowledge decades of research on gender and to reconsider his views because he feels (based on nothing) that he is right which leads me to think you are mostly blinded by your feelings regarding the type of person he is even though he is clearly denying your existence.
Hmm... I'm not sure if I can help much, but I just wanted to say just a couple things. I mentioned a friend of mine that happens to be trans in another post earlier. I only briefly spoke of him and It's rather a confusing story to get into. However, He and I considered the possibility of romance. In the end I wouldn't allow the romance. I felt that it wouldn't be fair to him to deny intimacy. He hadn't undergone the surgery. In my heart that didn't matter. To me, then and even now, he is for all intents and purposes male. What I'm trying to say is... If you truly love someone you love all of them! You can't just pick and choose. You love their flaws and imperfections. From what I gather, if I read correctly. The love you are experiencing is one sided. Having him as a friend and a part of your life is one thing. You may even be able to show him the error of his ways. But, you deserve more. Don't *settle*!
Linning-Thanks for your opinion, I am fully aware of these things and that's why i am having such a hard time figuring this out. I completely agree that people who just let these things go are a part of the problem and that my beliefs and values are compromised by the fact that i am in love with him. I can't justify that and I'm not going to try and say that it's an excuse but this is my first relationship so i am still learning and I don't appreciate the condescension. When we first started spending time together and learning about each other he did not know anything about the subject and it wasn't until he met me that he formed his opinion so at that point we had already developed feelings for each other and for me that's an extremely rare thing that can't be explained and simplified to understand why that is and can't be changed as much as i would like to. I will definitely admit that i was blinded by love but i am aware of that so i have an advantage over people who didn't figure it out until after the relationship had ended. I am not oblivious to his flaws as a person and to my own, i am simply in a position where i need different opinions on the subject other than the biased opinions of my family and friends. With that said i thank you for your response and i agree with what you've said.
Thank you seraphim moon, You're right about that. I know i can find someone better and as much as i want to accept his flaws doing so would be disregarding my own values and morals and that's not something anyone should do.
Wow... that’s a really tough situation, to be in love with and so attracted to someone who holds such strong beliefs. I thought it was interesting how you brought up people with different political beliefs being able to live with one another. I think that if you were not a non-binary person, then his opinions would fall closer to the realm of “political belief”, but I also think that you being a non-binary person makes this different. If he knows that you are non-binary, and still expresses to you and stands by his beliefs, then I think you have to ask if you’re going to get the validation that you need (and deserve) from him.
I wasn't being condescending I was just pointing out to you that your boyfriend is effectively erasing your identity (as well as the one of others) and showing off the exact same signs you have mentioned you have dispised in other men and asking you why your reaction to him is different. It's a rethorical question of course because you are in love but it's to point out that many forget their beliefs/stance the second they fall for someone. Effectively and to answer your question could a relationship with a transphobic person work ? Of course! Many people who aren't racist date racists people etc...but that means tolerating discrimination and accepting it. If you can do that you can make it work but what does it say about you ? If you use a label such as feminist and then end up tolerating behaviours that are against everything feminism stands for, you are actively damaging the movement. And while it might come across as patronising (which is not my intention) it is still important to mention because it is the reason why many people, guys particularly don't take feminism seriously. It is up to you to decide whether this relationship is worth sacrificing your beliefs and identity for (which is essentially what you would have to do) but I personally think one's belief system and morals is what defines a man/woman and that without that we are nothing. So no, I wouldn't give that up for no one and this is why you will often see me fight for my ideas/beliefs/opinions on here. It doesn't mean that you have to be like me or take the same decisions but that you have to consider what is important to you and what you value most and how that works with your relationship and your boyfriend's belief system.
You are very welcome! ^_^ I've been in one sided relationships before. Validation! That's a very good word. I would have to agree. This isn't a decision that would be taken likely. I know it will be hard on you, but if he'll never give you validation than I think some decisions are in order on your current position in this relationship. There is a reason you were drawn to him and fell in love with him. Maybe you could take a step back. Try to be friends with no expectations for awhile and see if he'll begin to show growth.
Thank you Inborngame, that's definitely something i am taking into consideration. It is definitely harder than it would be for the people i am reading about as their identity isn't the thing being challenge by these concepts. We have disused this problem multiple times but it's hard to come to an actual solution or compromise so we just ignore it for awhile until a couple of days ago when i expressed to him that i don't feel as if i cant be all of my true self with him and that caused him to encourage me to move on and find someone else. I know he cares about me a lot and wants me to be happy so i just have to decide if this relationship is really giving me true happiness and it's tough because it is except for this one issue. I could meet someone with exact political beliefs to mine but that doesn't guarantee they'll treat me well, or that we'll have anything else in common, or that we have chemistry. It's so difficult because as much as this is an absolutely horrible thing for him to think i still feel more equal and similar to him in every other way more than i do with anyone else. There's so many intangible things that make you love a person and i have to decide whether this is a dealbreaker, because as much as it would be objectively for anyone with a strong sense of right and wrong it isn't for someone who's actually in that situation. Anyway thanks for your message, I'm getting more and more closer to understanding what i should do
I'm going to stop replying to messages now but thank you to everyone who's written in and please keep doing so! I appreciate all of your help and i will keep reading what has been said.
I hear where you are coming from. I know that in the early stages of love, infatuation can make you blind to some serious red flags that might seem small now but will reveal themselves to be HUGE problems later on. I don't think its advisable to date someone who does not respect your identities. Essentially he doesn't even believe you are real. If he was ignorant and able to acknowledge that and open to learning more that would be one thing but the fact that he is set in his ways and unwilling to understand the person who he is dating is a major red flag for me. i would be concerned about how he would treat me and my friends given his views. this is someone who likes the idea of you but not the real you. and its likely the same for you towards him. because if what you said is true i dont see how you can want to stay with someone like this in the long run...
BOUNDARIES AND EXPECTATIONS.... you need those to be clearer. it takes time but you will get there. you're learning and growing
Yooooo, Just saying a huge shout out to all of you who wrote to me in this thread. We broke up that month after I addressed the issues. Throughout the breakup he became cold and distant and basically erased me out of his life completely. He started dating another girl that same month and then was in a relationship with her two months later. Skip to present day a girl who I had met through him messages me and we start becoming friends, I ask her about him and she confesses that he basically used her to fill his emotional needs after he broke up with his previous girlfriend and then ignored her and acted like nothing had happened between them after she developed feelings for him. He later went on to try get with her best friend and told her he loved her after a few weeks of knowing her and after she rejected him that's when he met me, he was still talking to her while we were dating and told her he liked her more and if she doesn't say yes to dating her that she's lost all posibility of being with him. They're all still "friends" but he's been a crappy "friend" to them lately and they both told me horrible stories about his straight up weirdness and manipulation. I got invited to the girls birthday party and then told me later he was going to be there, he had initially said he wasn't going to go if I was there but then BAM. 2 days later he messaged me out of the blue saying "I can't wait to see you at the party on Saturday, it will be so cool to catch up ". I don't trust him at all because I realised throughout the breakup that he was a complete sociopath and all of his feelings and stories he told me were fake. I actually suspected this throught the relationship and had a thousand other suspicions that were completely validated by these 2 girls and what he had said to them about me. I message them and find out he's been going around and saying him and his girlfriend have broken up. Knowing about his messed up emotional issues I thought it was fucked up that he would be soooo keen to see his ex after he'd broken up with his new girlfriend, sounding completely okay and happy about it even though when you love someone and you lose them the last thing you want to do is go to a party and see your ex. He wanted to use me and thought I would crumble at the slightest bit of attention he gave me. He thought he would be able to lure me back even though he treated me like I meant nothing to him..... I immediately messaged his ex asking her if she was okay and asking what has happened because I was fucking over his disgusting treatment of me and other people, I wanted to know if he had pulled the same "you're not good enough for me" shit he pulled on me - which is something he had implied throughout our relationship and went around telling everyone that he broke up with me because I wasn't "challenging" him enough. I showed her the message and we went MENTAL at him. She blocked his number, told him how much of a piece of shit lier he was and that she never wanted to see him again. We started telling eachother all of our experiences with him and eventually met up and had the funniest talk of my life. We were finishing eachothers sentences because we knew exactly what kind of person he was. He had been horrible abusive and controlling towards her but she fought back so hard and didn't take any of his shit. He told her he loved her very quickly and tried to become like a father to her son. He tried to say all this romantic shit to her that she wasn't ready for while at the same saying the way talked was disgusting because she was purposefully quite vulgar and cussed alot, the way she dressed was wrong and that she couldn't do this and couldn't do that . He eventually got her pregnant and was telling her how she had to raise the baby and planning her whole life out for her. It got to the point where she felt so repulsed by him because of the way he was acting that she had to break up with him. She is happy to raise the kid alone and doesn't want anything to do with him and they will be better off without him trust me, that kid will be way better off without him in his life and he is a horrible person for not being careful, he did not think about the kids future at all. He was only thinking about himself, they we'rent the healthiest couple from what she told me he was so delusioned to think it would be logical to raise a child with her. She thanked me for what I told her and we agreed that we both deserved better than him. I honestly don't know what would have happen if I had stayed with him. You were all definitely right about the red flags leading to worse things. I'm still processing the pain of knowing it was all fake and that he just does this to every person, tries to make them feel special and make them see him as special and just completely love bomb them but then try tear down their self-esteem like narcissists do. I thought I might be able to get some clarity from reading the post that helped me to make up my mind. This is not a joke and what happened was very serious and alot of people got hurt. It is great to know that I was saved and his now ex girlfriend won't have to deal with his emotionally disturbed ass. He feels no empathy for anyone at all, after one of our transgender related conversations I told him he had no empathy for transgender people and he got mad and then later confessed he didn't even know what the word meant. So yeah, you all were right this has been the weirdest fucking experience of my life, I learnt and grew more over these past couple of months. I really was naive but it was meant to happen. It's going to take ages to get over but atleast I got to take down a fucking transphobe racist (did I mention he was racist) hope he thinks twice before getting another girlfriend before he sorts through his shit and works his issues out. #Karma #Williamhymersmustdie
Good looks does not equal good personality, he is not respecting our lgbtq brothers and sisters. Just break up with him, you should just find a date within our lgbtq community.
