Hi everyone, I'm Andra and in January I came out as being Genderfluid although I am moving more towards being feminine more than anything else. I'm currently awaiting referral to a gender identity clinic with a view to accessing hormone treatment. Problem is I've woken up to all this pretty late in life (early 40s) and I am involved in a long term relationship with a partner who really hates all this. I keep getting told by her that I need to ignore or fight this and that it's not fair to her after a 20 odd year relationship. What's really difficult is we jointly own a house together so it's not so easy just to up and leave due to many financial commitments and she is also refusing to sell the property. Unfortunately if I wear makeup or dress even slightly feminine (which feels right to me) I get pretty hurtful comments from her and it ends in an argument so home is becoming a place that I just don't want to be right now. The good news is thankfully my son who is aged 17 and lives with us is completely supportive of me and says he will be there no matter what, but I'm really feeling trapped within the relationship. Don't really think there is an easy answer to this but just wondered if anyone has any experience or advice involving unsupportive partners as I can't see the situation improving and it's making me feel guilty but also really unhappy.
In my experience the younger generations are better at adjusting than the older ones. Yes, I have current experience with a partner who is having a tougher time with this than I expected. Patience is what I'm told I need to practice. That's tough when I'm ready for progress on my journey. Lots of talking helps. Having a therapist helps (for you, and your partner). Empty Closets helps... and I hope you are also reading the coming out and "gender identity and expression" forums to see other people's stories.
Thank you for the reply, it's very difficult situation and I've been hoping time would help, I get that someone may not be happy and really shocked but I could really do without the sarcastic comments and name calling when I come home as it's turning into a battleground. Hopefully the forums and online support may make this a little easier
I will say reading and getting feedback in EC is a hopeful thing as it reassures you that you are not alone in this. Maybe if there is a room over the garage - empty bedroom or basement - you claim it as your personal space and there you are allowed to do/wear what you want - since you have ownership too why not find that place you can express yourself freely and she does not need to see or participate nor give feedback.
hi. that sounds like a really challenging situation to navigate. i admire your courage to be who you are. its never too late to decide to live your best and most authentic life. many people die never trying and its amazing that you are doing this now. im sorry your wife hasnt been supportive. i have not been in that situation but know what it feels like to have those close to you reject you when you are most vulnerable and really need them. in this situation i would try to meet her where she is and try and explain to her what you are going through and tell her clearly what kind of support you need for her and how it makes you feel when she rejects you. she needs to educate herself on trans and gender non conforming people. you can help if she is open to that. if she is completely unsupportive then its sad but you really have to think about if its really good to stay with her. i know you have a family together but if there is constant conflict over this that you are not both working to resolve than you may need to take some space from each other temporarily or long term. counseling is probably a good idea with a trans affirming therapist.
in the meantime, as others have mentioned, finding safe spaces to be yourself is essential for your self esteem. Do you know of any trans or trans inclusive meetups or places you can go to in your area?
also it sounds like she is being abusive. thats not ok under any circumstances. im so sorry i hope you can get some relief soon. are there people in your support system you can ask for help?
There is one about 40 miles away, I've been meaning to attend but because I'm new to all this I just feel really nervous going there alone which is probably silly as I'm sure it would help
