Ran away from home, I live in my car, car accident, suicidal?

Good day everyone,

Once again, I know this is going to be a long post so I truly thank anyone who takes the time to read it.

Last December I made a post in the "Anonymous Support and Advice" forum talking about my decision to leave home. I wanted to provide an update and possibly get some more advice if possible. I am not posting this anonymously anymore because I don't want to be afraid to ask for help.

I also want to thank everyone that replied to the first post. This has been one of the most challenging times in my life and even though you're all strangers, your words meant a lot to me. Thank you all so much.

If you're interested in reading the original post that explains why I left, please see it here: https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/getting-ready-to-run-away-from-home.465657/

It's been almost 9 months since I made that first post. I'll just highlight the important things to make this shorter and fill in a couple of blanks.

I ended up leaving Florida (that's where I was living) at the beginning of July, just recently.

In my first post, I mentioned that I did not have a license or a car. To make the move possible, I ultimately decided that that would be one of the most essential things I would need if I were going to start off all over again in a new city. In February, I pushed my dad to finish teaching me how to drive and in just two weeks, I was able to get my driver's license after my first road test. I had already been working for quite some time and built some savings so shortly after, I went to a local Honda dealer with him and took out my first car. My credit was really good so I was able to get a good car at a decent interest rate. Some more time passed as I got more practice on the road and then I started getting my other stuff ready. I placed all my belongings in a portable Uhaul storage unit and I left my parents with one month's rent paid in advance.

The biggest challenge I have been facing now is deciding where to go and where to stay.

Before leaving, I started researching several places. I looked at unemployment rates, crime, general apartment rental prices, home prices (I'd like to buy a home eventually), how close are they to amenities (I don't want to have a Walmart 30 miles away), if they're natural disaster prone (I lived in Florida so I can tell you about hurricanes), friendliness towards outsiders... so on so forth.

I narrowed down my search to the New England area. Places like New Hampshire, Massachusetts, New York (where I graduated high school). I also looked at possibly Colorado, like the Denver area, and Portland or Vancouver in Oregon or Washington.

When the day came, my first destination was New England. I drove over 1000 miles along the east coast (as a relatively new driver) on the highway and made it safely there, thank God. I first ended up stopping in Massachussetts. One of the reasons I stopped in Mass was because my first boyfriend from highschool is serving time in federal prison there. I last saw him in 2010. Our backstory is a totally completely different post and I'm not gonna include the full story here for brevity. I kinda hoped that I would get a chance to see him, even if it's just one more time. At the last minute, I backed out due to fear and I continued on to New Hampshire.

I liked the idea of New Hampshire because of the no sales tax/no state tax which can be really useful in saving money. I drove through Nashua all the way to Concord and it was really pretty. One of the things I was noticing though was that there was mostly Caucasian people the more North I drove. I'm Hispanic and my skin is slightly tanned so I know I stood out. I stayed one night at an inn in Nashua and the receptionist gave me the weirdest look. He wasn't mean and I probably looked like a hot mess because of the 8 hours of driving but I got an uneasy feeling. Maybe I was overthinking it but the feeling lingered. I'm a very open minded person on a LOT of topics but my fear is always if are people going to reciprocate that open mindedness and kindness back to me. I grew up in Upstate NY so I know about being a person of color in a mostly white area but I'm always afraid of being treated unfairly because of my skin. It's happened before. Manchester was a little more diverse from the little that I saw but long story on that short, I couldn't see myself being there due to standing out so much.

That's when I decided to drive to Denver, Colorado and possibly Las Vegas, Nevada. Denver is a large metro area so I knew there's more diversity there. Plus I figured it would be cool to see the Rocky Mountains in person. I had some interesting experiences along the way. At one rest stop I was approached by an older man asking me if I wanted a handjob? In Kansas I'm positive I drove through pre-tornado winds. I drove through all the middle states by myself and finally made it 3000ish miles later. I stayed there for about 2 days (I know I'm crazy), but the little that I saw was pretty cool. For some reason, I felt like I didn't see myself living there though and then I decided to come back to the Northeast. Maybe it was the high rent prices? I don't know. I also thought of going to Las Vegas cause of the low cost of living but the idea of scorpions, tarantulas and venomous snakes would never sit well with me. I just would not be at peace. So I left and came back to Massachusetts. In my mind, decided that I would reach out to my ex boyfriend in prison.

Now you can't just go into a federal prison out of the blue. I had to send him some letters to let him know I was here and the reconnection took some time due to the waiting for the mail. In the meantime, I took out a local gym membership, a PO box, and started living in my car. I looked up some videos and somehow made it work for the entire month of August till now (and it's been HOT some of these days). In the last letter that he sent me, he made it clear that he would never go back to his past life (meaning being gay) and he's just trying to reconnect with his parents (who are church pastors) and restore that relationship. I took that as a sign that I should probably not see him because I don't go to church anymore and maybe I shouldn't interfere with the fact that he's working on himself. I don't know...

I then started thinking of visiting my old hometown in Upstate, NY. That's where we met and I had a lot of good (and bad experiences). I made the trip to Upstate NY and not long after arriving, I got into my first car accident. I missed a stop sign and the other person hit my car on my left side. We were both ok, I got cosmetic damage on my car but she had to get her car towed. I'm now dealing with all the insurance stuff.

Right now, I'm just questioning what I'm doing and how out of my mind I am. I don't really have family here and no one from high school would remember me (I'm an introvert and I kept to myself a lot in the past). Is it a sign that I got into a car accident in the one place where my relationship started with my ex boyfriend?

Does that mean that I shouldn't be here? Should I not try to reconnect with him?

Is the other driver going to sue me if the damage is more than my insurance can cover?

Where do I go now? Why am I making this trip again?

Is it all really worth it? Why am I alive? I have no friends, what's the point?

When I was a kid growing up gay in a religious household, I would tell myself that I wish I never existed. I would pray and ask God, why? Why didn't I get a choice in choosing to exist? Why do I now have to face going to hell if I choose suicide only because I don't want any of this anymore? Why doesn't God care about what we feel or what we'll go through in life. Wouldn't it be more merciful to let us not exist? Is this all some kind of game to him to have people worship him? I was never interested in the heavenly paradise living that the preachers would preach about.

I would be at peace in just not existing. In the idea of nothing.

That's what I feel right now. I'm nothing. I feel hollow.

I just don't know anything right now, I feel so alone.

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