The Art of Balancing Bi and Married

sevnbutton

This is going to sound really harsh. Your sexuality is yours. It is not your wife's or someone else's. You have to do what is necessary to nurture it. This doesn't mean you break marriage vows (agreements) or lie or cheat. It just means that you, ultimately, need to do what you "feel". Your sexuality has always been a part of you. Now, you have just learned more about you and sharing it with your wife.

Now, it may take some time for your wife to warm up to this. Remember that you have had your whole life to understand yourself and your wife is just catching up. I know that it is really hard to be patient. By the time we gather the courage to come out, we want changes. We want to embrace our sexuality and get on with it. This can seem like big changes to your wife. Like everything is the other shoe dropping...seems like that's not an unreasonable fear of hers.

Personally, I would give it a couple more months. I would continue to reinforce to your wife that you want to stay married and that you love her. It would not be unreasonable to let her know that you feel you need this outlet; but respect how she feels. The risk is that your wife will feel she has control of your sexuality. That's not a good thing either. Balance is important.

Several posters have mentioned how lucky I am that my wife is so understanding. This is so true. But, I also was very compassionate and understanding after I came out and I didn't push anything. It seemed like forever when I went through this. But, the six months it took for me to start engaging in the gay community now seems like just moments in my journey. It was nearly two years after coming out that my wife was comfortable enough for me to have an affair with a man.

Patience and love.

 

Do you have to tell your wife you are going to a peer counseling support group? I mean its like counseling and you domt have to share what you talk to you counselor about with anyone else so why is this different. I just feel like if you tell her you are going to a monthly lgbtq support group she is going to hassle you about it and it will be drama. Basically she thinks you are just eventually going to leave her for a dude so she is very scared right now and she has good reason. being bi doesnt mean you are a cheater and will leave her but it does mean you like somethig she cant offer you which will play on her insecurities majorly. Many people that come out as bi or gay or questioning do eventually want to act on it and that means the wife will end up on the losing part of that deal.

 

It's hard but you gotta tell her not for her but for yourself

 

I was in this exact situation. I told her I was doing a support group. It has been like a weight off of my shoulder to be in group with guys just like me and be able to not have to be careful what I say. She suspected guys before but now she at least knows where I’m at

 

It is complicated by the vows we make to the people we love. I looked up the exact words of the marriage ceremony, and they committed us to being honest and open with each other, even when things were not going the way we'd like. That helps me be assertive in saying what I need, even if I know I won't get a green light to be out more... yet. I've been patient because folks here, and my instincts, told me that was respectful and important. So the "yet" part has been easing -- I slowed down my process for months, and that has been hard but it did give my wife a little breathing room, and I'm slowly coming out to a couple folks.

The emotional roller coaster is hard. I admit I have a very difficult time understanding my wife's tears and gut wrenching reactions. I'm committed to our marriage, and she (much as you relate about your situation) has labeled it as a lie. That hurts! Then sometime later we have a great stretch of days together, and it seems she's becoming o.k. about me identifying as bisexual. Then it gets worse again, and everything I do seems to be scrutinized with suspicion again. I've never done anything to earn that suspicion.

I'd advise something like what @Nickw advised, if your relationship is important to you. You know there is a support group, and you can talk with her about how that could help you, and if she needs some time to think about that and question you, you can respond "o.k., not rushing there this month, but let's keep talking about what worries you."

Hang in there!

 

Sevn,
Both Nickw and DecentOne speak with great wisdom.
You are a husband, a father, and bisexual.
Your wife needs to hear these words and hear, "I love you. I have been and always will be in a monogamous marriage with you".
But your needs also include being a part of the LBGT community and this support group can help provide this to you.
You can be authentic and happy which will make your marriage and family strong. Because you are strong and live with PRIDE.
There is NO shame in that.

Hugs,
FooFight54

 

When you say you don't know where it will lead it sounds like you're leaving the door open to the things that your wife is fearing will happen, so I think you first have to acknowledge to yourself that her fears are not unfounded. And I think you should really examine for yourself what you're hoping to discover by going to the group ... e.g., are you looking for someone to have sex with or to leave your wife for? If so, then you probably need to have a much more in-depth conversation with your wife about what your intentions are generally in coming out and then going to this group. If, on the other hand, you just want to go to meet people for emotional support and information then I don't think you have a duty to tell your wife if you think she'll be upset and assuming you can do so without lying to her. But if you would have to lie to her to go (i.e., she would wonder where you are) then I think you should tell her and face whatever anger and upset happens.

 

What do you wanna accomplish ?

 

Speaking for myself. After coming out as bi I also found myself trying to manage my ex-wife's insecurities. Ultimately none of my cowtowing, defending or explaining did a bit of good. In fact it made things worse. I had to own it and take care of myself.

 

Hi
Go with your heart and what you feel. Once I told my wife that I wanted s threesome, that was the end. Not straight away but it was 6 months later.
I have 3 kids, but I wasn't prepared to have no contact with guys for the rest of my life.
I thought my wife got my bisexuality but no, she is a straight woman so didn't really get it. It really depends on your wifes views on sexuality. We lasted 20 years but I came out only 6 months.
If I am honest be prepared that it could end your marriage.
I hoped having a threesome with my wife included would be the answer but she refused.
Kind regards
Rade

 

I hope she understands I'm in the same boat too I wanna tell my wife more about my bisexiality but the time I tryed she kept thinking I was flat out gay and thought that since I'm with her my feelings for guys would go away.

 

Interesting how anger and hurt play out. I see her response as perfectly normal and predictable. She has been /is hurt.

You need to make the above known to her. And each of you need to live in the present, which is REALLY HARD to do.

A really good goal.

Only she can work on her fears and insecurities. You cannot do that for her.

 

I feel sad about it, 20 years is a long time. I feel I let her down and was dishonest with her. I have guilt and worry for my children's futures. We are still close on an emotional level, but she has a new boyfriend and is happy
I feel alone but hope to make more LGBT friends and eventually fall in love with a man.
But it's not easy and I have taken a big gamble.
But I feel free at least....
Rade

 

Thanks....yes I feel in a good place, being open has been empowering, this forum is helping and knowing other people similar ages to me are going through the same experiences .
My counselling sessios have just started. My mum and dad are being really supportive which suprised me as they are old.
So on some levels i am lucky but I'm sure it will be a bumpy ride...
Thanks again, Rade

 

sevnbutton

My wife, also, doesn't have a shred of gay in her. she was also a bit hurt because I did not confide in her.

I explained it this way. When I started, carefully, hiding a part of me at such a young age, I learned to "live around it". The secret just became a part of me.

I also told her I thought it was unimportant. That I could love her completely and this was just something that didn't matter.

Well I learned, and you learned, that it doesn't work that way. Our sexuality is fundamental to who we are. You haven't changed. Only her knowledge of you has.

I think there is an element of shame that our wives also have to overcome. The shame that they could be married to a guy that likes other guys. Maybe an element of "my husband is not a real man". I'm projecting a bit here.

I told my wife I was losing the ability to be close to everyone hiding this. I was drifting from friends and family. That's when the light bulb came on for her. She remembered how I was before I hid my secret even deeper.

Your wife saw a bit of this with you. She needs it reinforced that you are learning to let yourself out again and it will be good for everyone.

Before this can happen, she needs to lose that anger. I don't know how you convince someone how anger is not as constructive as they believe.