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Married, kids, bisexual, depressed

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Jggates, Aug 1, 2018.

  1. Jggates

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    Hello all, thought I'd update you all on how it's going.

    Last week or so has been pretty good, I'd turned the corner and was feeling OK. I put away the workbooks that the therapist had given me as I realised they were only dragging me down - and was pretty much feeling "normal", to the extent that I thought maybe I'd been making a fuss about nothing. I seriously thought about calling off the next therapy session, putting all this behind me and carrying on with life as normal.

    But the weird sense of anxiety started to come back yesterday, and this morning the downers are back with a vengeance. I think I know what's triggered it too - I foolishly nosed around on twitter again yesterday and stumbled into a feed of coming out stories. I thought it might help me work out how to do this, but it has actually done the opposite - as the feed was really all about people embarking into a brave new LGBT world. That's not where I'm heading.

    Some were positive stories from young folk (which triggered my "what ifs" again) and some were stories from people who'd come out later in life and left their families (all put in a positive light of course, but this has brought back the horrible sense of panic that this is where I'll end up if just don't bottle this up).

    I'm back to square one again now, constantly on the edge of tears. I back to feeling my only options are to bottle everything up and become and emotionless wreck, or open up and risk losing everything. And I know this is all very melodramatic but I'm drowning again.

    But... I have another therapy session this afternoon so hopefully we can get my head back on an even keel.

    So - no real update other than I'm still going through the swings. But thought it worth sharing because I seriously was a whisker away from cancelling therapy, which would have been a serious mistake - so if anyone else is going through this, don't make the mistake of falling for a false dawn.
     
  2. Jggates

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    Counselling session done. Therapist reminded me that we've got a long way to go to unpack this head of mine, so even though I'm still feeling blue at least I'm remembering that I'm still on the right path.
     
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  3. IanMkh

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    Hey, @Jggates. So sorry to have dropped off like that. I've been out of the country. I'm excited to see that you're getting so much support. Looks like it's been quite something for you these past weeks. What a roller coaster. So many of us know that feeling well. I've had a chance to skim through and looks like you are facing the right direction. When I get fully back home and can spent more time with this thread, I'll add some more. For now, I'll add a quote from a book (I get a lot from my books): No more backwards steps. It's just a reminder to keep moving forward even just a little bit. You'll be surprised by how far you've come. Chat soon.
     
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  4. Jggates

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    Thanks @IanMkh , and I hope you're enjoying your trip.

    Yes, it's a definite roller-coaster and I think you are right that I am heading in the right direction. When I'm at a real low - which is where I've been these past few days - I do think "is it really worth it, why can't I just bottle everything up again, I was happy before", but I am telling myself that this is nonsense, bottling everything up was a stupid move, I wasn't happy, I was just pretending I was.
     
  5. Jakebusman

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    Glad you're making progress
     
  6. Jggates

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    Thank you @Jakebusman

    But in all honesty, I don't feel like I am making progress any more. I'm keeping a lid on things during the day, but I've had some big questions rolling round in my head all night and all day.

    First, I have started questioning if I really am bi. I started convincing myself that my attraction to guys is just some sort if kink. I know this isn't true, but it's a bit of a siren call that keeps drawing me back to self-denial. I think I can deal with these doubts. (Or is it just wishful thinking?)

    Secondly, I've started to wonder if all this stress and depression is really just self-inflicted. Maybe it's all just anxiety brought about by the thought of coming out to my wife. If so, why am I putting myself through this? And to what end? I'm trying to keep these thoughts in check by remembering that thinking about opening up to my wife was a *response* to this depression, not the cause. But I'm starting to doubt myself.

    Thirdly, and this is the real kicker, I'm thinking that opening up might make me feel better, but it may well make my wife feel awful. At the very least, it must surely put some doubts in her mind as to my intentions. And is bound to make her start to think I'm not the man she thinks I am. So am I being selfish? I'm looking to ease my own pain by creating some for her.

    So what is the point? I might create two miserable people instead of one. So the voice is telling me I'm better off bottling it back up and trying to get back to where I was before - try to carefully drop the newer defences without completely removing the mask. And if I can't actually manage that, well one tortured person is better than two.

    This line of thought is the trickier demon I'm facing. Because the more I weigh it up, the more I'm convincing myself that I shouldn't go any further down this path. I'm risking everything and probably going to give my wife anxiety for no real reason other than to make myself feel better. I'm not sure I can live with that.

    The only thing working against that is the realisation that it is probably that sort of thinking that got me to where I am in the first place - trying to keep everyone else happy at the expense of my own sanity.

    But that's different, isn't it? I was wrong to worry about upsetting friends and family when I was younger, as they didn't matter in the long run anyway - they have all drifted out of my life. But not wanting to upset my wife? Well that's rational, isn't it?

    So in short, not only am I still in a low patch, I'm starting to worry that the "right" answer is to just try and man up and push things back down again - which means I can't see an end to how I'm feeling. :/
     
  7. Jakebusman

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    I'm in the same boat I am bottled up too and keeping my bisexually a secret from my wife
     
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  8. Jggates

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    @Jakebusman It's awful isn't it? Like you're hiding yourself from the one you love, and it hurts.

    Is your brain in the same place mine is? Do you feel like you are drowning? And if so, are you seeing a counsellor? Cos that's by far the most important thing I've taken from this thread - to let a professional help unpick my brain before fall over the edge.

    As you can tell from my posts, my mood is all over and I'm still no further from the tears - but I am getting some comfort that there is someone professional helping to guide me through it. I don't know where I'm heading, but I do at least know I'm not trying to deal with this alone.
     
    #88 Jggates, Sep 7, 2018
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2018
  9. Jakebusman

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    Yes I fell that it hurts hiding but sometimes I feel it's best but it keeps draggimg me down at the same time
     
    #89 Jakebusman, Sep 7, 2018
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2018
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  10. Jggates

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    Yep that's exactly how I feel. Torn and depressed. Don't know what the right thing to do is. One minute I think I just need to be honest and trust that my wife is on my side, and the next minute I think why put her through it for no reason other than to make me feel better.

    I'm hoping the therapy helps me work out what to do.
     
  11. Jakebusman

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    I feel wrong being Bi
     
  12. Jggates

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    Well yeah, so did I. But it isn't wrong, is it? It's just how we were made. Like the colour of our eyes. It's just who we are.
     
  13. IanMkh

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    Today (and honestly for the past week), I'm feeling down and confused. Without getting into boring details, I've been putting up walls since I was about five. Physical and emotional walls to keep from getting hurt. It's all I know how to do, the only coping strategy I have. Which is just plain sad. I think I'm in a phase where I've lost track of who I am. Keeping the secret for so long, I don't know where the secret ends and I begin. Trying to be real is just so exhausting and some days I just don't have the energy to try. I'm think, more than anything, I'm tired of feeling fake. But, I think now, unlike before, I'm okay with not knowing how this is going to turn out. We all get down from time to time. But, you're making progress, too, @Jggates . Don't forget that. And if you don't believe me, just compare a few of your more recent posts with your first ones. You may not think you're feeling any better, but your frame has changed.
     
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  14. Jggates

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    @IanMkh you describe exactly how I feel, and describe exactly what I've been doing since I was a kid. I've finally realised how exhausting it is, and how destructive. It's not going to be fun breaking these barriers down, but it has to be better than keeping them up.

    And you are right, even a couple of weeks ago I wasn't in this frame of mind. So I'm holding on to this thought.
     
  15. Rade

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    Hello
    My name in the Forum Rade
    I understand and know partly what your going through. My story is similar. I am 42, married and have 3 kids 13 and under.
    I told my wife I am bisexual back in February this year. This was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. She was upset and angry at first though this past over a couple of months. I thought she had accepted my bisexuality. My openness brought us initially closer together and our sex life improved. I then talked about my fantasy of having a threesome with another guy joining us. She seemed ok with this.
    However secretly I don't think she accepted my fantasy.
    Out of the blue someone contacted my wife through Facebook a guy asking for help. She grew up with him, cut long story short she fell for him.
    My wife I think was torn between staying with me or him. What decided it for her was she found out I had been using WhatsApp to a gay friend in Serbia. I had text him back in February being explicit. However being bi I can turn these feelings on and off. But you guessed it she choose the straight guy!!!
    This took the pressure off me a bit, I now leen more towards being gay. I have told some people I am bi and some I'm gay. I had a relationship with a guy between age 17 to 20 and then I have been with my wife for 20 years...
    Coming out has been really hard and not everyone knows yet. I want to meet a nice guy but with 3 kids and an ex wife it's not going to be easy.
    My wife is still finding it difficult. We co parent under the same roof but it's challenging and I may need to move out soon. Though I can't afford to rent a 3 bed house for when I have the kids.
    I am having counseling and I have joined my local LGBT group and I'm going for a meal in a couple of weeks.
    At 42 I now feel free, I have started running and I put myself first. Yes I feel guilty and perhaps should have not married her, but I have also suffered. I have been faithful to her for the 20 yrs. Though sex was good sometime, I missed the touch of a man.
    I now feel I will be with guys for the rest of my life, though I worry about my kids.
    At the end of the day we all deserve to be happy and I wish I had come out 25 yrs ago. It has made me I'll but I know in the long run I will be happier
    Rade
     
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  16. Jggates

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    Hello all, I thought I'd check in with an update just in case anyone else is reading this (or reads it in the future).

    Nothing much has changed in my life (yet) - I'm still not out to anyone except the therapist, and I'm only a few sessions in.

    But... I took the advice from @IanMkh and compared my first posts to my more recent ones. And he is right - my frame of reference really has changed.

    When I started this thread six weeks ago, I was at the end of my tether. I could see no way out. My first post reads like a howl of anguish.

    But now - I'm not "fixed", there are still days when I'm down, but there is one big change - I no longer feel that there is no way out. I'm actually thinking that I am going to get through this. It might seem small, but it has made a massive difference to my mental state.

    I still don't know where the end game is. And tbh, on good days like today I'm not even sure if the end game involves coming out at all. Unlikely, as I know the constant filtering is at the root of me closing down my emotions. But who knows.

    Either way - I think I have come to terms with myself, which was perhaps a big part of the battle even if I didn't know it.

    I know there is still a long painful road ahead, but I am finally daring to believe that there may be a positive end point.

    I'm going to keep posting here - but I thought I'd update whole I am having a rare good day. It's not all doom and gloom in my world right now.
     
  17. IanMkh

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    Great news, @Jggates. Glad you were having a good day.
     
  18. BiGoth1982

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    I'm sending all of you guys hugs.
     
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  19. IanMkh

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    Hi, @Jggates.

    I was thinking about you. I hope your absence here means that things are going at least okay. I know it’s a roller coaster and we can have wild swings even within the span of a day.

    So, I was reading a novel. I’m an avid reader and I came across a great line from a character who was describing her experience in anxiety therapy. She said, “the thoughts may come, but you don’t have to chase them all.”

    I think that’s where you and I get in trouble when we see something that triggers us; we chase the thought down a rabbit hole of “what if’s” and “if I only hads”. And we end up at the bottom of an emotional spiral. But we don’t have to chase the thoughts. We can’t control the thoughts coming in - yet. But, we can choose not to chase them. Mind over matter.

    Best-
     
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  20. Rade

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    Told my wife in Feb I'm bi. She is still very bitter even though we are separated. We co parent same house. We had blazing row this morning. All that I had lied to her for 20 years. I am so sick of all this now and want to cry/scream and run away. I have 3 kids and I know I've done wrong but I'm now punished everyday by her. I think my leaving day is soon. She says she isn't but I'm sure she is a homophobe. She even said me wanting a threesome with her and another man is wrong. I can't help being open minded. I thought it could save and spice up our marriage.
    Were over, I'm not bothered but she just blames me.
    Sorry needed to rant
    Feel so fed up today.
    Rade