Okay so I’m a bisexual girl in college. Over the past year I’ve developed some pretty strong romantic feelings for this guy in my program. We are pretty good friends and hang out and study together a lot. I’ve liked him for a long time and over the more recent months I’ve been thinking about telling him about my feelings toward him. But it’s tricky because in March he confessed to me that he was starting to question his own identity. He was really upset about it (his family is Catholic so that’s part of it and also he cares about image a lot because of the town he grew up in; he doesn’t want to be thought of differently, as well as other concerns). I’m still the only person that knows about him questioning it and we’ve had a few conversations since that initial confession trying to sort through his feelings and possible future relations with family if coming out is something he has to do. During our intial conversation, he told me that before that night, he felt so alone with his feelings. He cried in front of me. I felt like I was holding his whole heart in my hands that night. At the end of the school year he wrote me this letter basically thanking me for being his rock and handling his fear so well. Anyway, this is a big reason why I am hesitant to tell him my romantic feelings toward him. (Not sure this is the best way to say this but) I don’t want to take myself away as a resource for him. What I mean is that he is a very caring person and doesn’t always say what he’s thinking if it might upset someone. I don’t want him to feel like he has to censor himself because of my crush on him. Like for example, if he’s exploring his feelings toward a guy I want him to feel free to talk to me about that without worrying about hurting my feelings. Also, I don’t think anything is going to come out of it if for no other reason that that he is in a questioning stage. On the other hand, I don’t want to damage our friendship by keeping the secret of my feelings toward him. I mean I think he’d understand but if he does ever find out or I tell him in the distant future, I don’t want him to feel weird about my reasons behind keeping it from him. The general tone of our friendship is that we talk difficult things out together, but I’m hesitant about this one because I want to protect him. Thoughts? I just want to be the best friend to him possible and do what’s best for us.
Something I’ve learned is it doesn’t make you a bad person to put your feelings above someone else’s especially if those feelings are eating you alive. It’s your soul screaming to be heard. In my opinion, you should tell him. I get that you want to protect him, but who’s protecting you? If you telling him messes up you guys’ dynamic, that’s not your fault. He has to go through life and all of its trials just like you. Also, what if he feels the same way about you? It could lead into something absolutely beautiful. Listen to what your heart is telling you. It somehow always knows the right answer.
I wouldn't tell him. If he's still questioning his sexuality you could cause some damage there. He might want to try get with you to see if he likes it and hey, he might, walk off into the sunset. But if he doesn't, you're crushed, he's crushed, your friendship might be crushed. You could be setting yourself up for some pain. I'm not sure why keeping it a secret from him would damage your friendship. But I would personally wait until he figures himself out. Or at least ascertain if he is sure he's still attracted to girls.
Update: I told him yesterday. Well, I couldn't actually say the words but he kept smiling at me and I just asked him if he knew why I wanted to talk. He said, "Do you like me?" and I told him yeah. I explained everything to him and gave him a letter I had written with everything put more eloquently. He was amazing. He didn't reciprocate (and he's been experimenting with guys lately and seems to be enjoying himself). He said "Well, I don't feel that way about you, but you're one of my best friends." We talked and he said he doesn't really see much awkwardness between us even after this. He was perfect. He was honest, validating, and comforting. At the very end, he asked if I had anything else to say. I asked if I could hug him and he said of course. We did, and he said he loves me. He was perfect; I could not have asked for better. He's an incredible friend. I saw him briefly like 30 minutes ago and things seemed maybe slightly weird from my end but overall just fine. I'm really happy.
